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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need urgent help from you all

20 replies

user1481668051 · 13/12/2016 22:57

Hey there all, my name is James.

Now I know I'm not a mother, but the mother to my step son is terrified right now as to losing our son to her ex. I came here because this place has helped my mum numerous times and I'm hoping for any kind of support, so brace yourself for a story.

I have permission to wrote this from my girlfriend as long as I don't include names or addresses so I hope that covers that.

Potential trigger warning

Back on February 25th my girlfriend and I started our relationship and I began caring for my stepson, but I couldn't see them as often as the ex bf was living with her (more on that). As time went on we became closer and closer as a family to which my stepson kissed my cheek which is rare. Then my gf opened up about her ex, how he at the time was damaging her furniture, shouting at her, threatening that he was happy to beat women into line if they disobey whilst refusing to help the baby in anyway (no nappy changes, no playtime, no late night feeds, nothing.) He was also refusing to leave her flat even though he had no ownership. Eventually she threatened to phone the police if he didnt leave (he had his own house, but refused to find a job to pay rent, he lives off income support). After this there was no contact between them, he never asked about the baby, or anything in the way of support for him either.

This was when my gf opened up about there past, the ex bf was a known abuser, he had physically abused his first gf and it was verbal and sexual abuse to my gf. He would constantly force her to please him and if she said no hed force himself on her, one of these times resulted in my stepson being conceived. Before they knew she was pregnant he had broken up with her stating she wasn't worth it, but upon discovery he began controlling her, he would starve her, force her to travel, and constantly make her feel weak.

Now, back on July 26th, he had discovered I was taking care of his son, this was the first bit of contact wed had from him. He had threatened to beat my head against walls if i didn't back off so police were phoned, but no charges pressed. Now my gf takes the baby to see his grandma and his biological dad every Saturday which both parties were happy with. However soon after the ex began coming up with excuses to not visit the baby but my gf kept her end of the bargain and went every Saturday and informed him if he wanted to see him they were there. (Sessions had to be mediated to prevent abuse)

And then we reach October, the ex began blackmailing and threatening my gf with court, if she doesn't go to see him everyday he demands (polite isnt in his dictionary) he will press charges and attempt to take full parental control over our son who is now a year old and stop her seeing him.

We don't know what to do

He's threatened her
He's broken her furniture in anger
He's r*ped her
And now he's blackmailing.

If there is any advice I would appreciate so bad because she is struggling everyday.

Thank you so much in advance, this hurts so bad

~James

OP posts:

TempusEedjit · 13/12/2016 23:13

Hi James

I'm out of my depth regarding the threats etc - report to the police I guess? I can however say that the threats to go for full custody are a very common bluff and no way would it happen unless your GF was found to be guilty of neglecting her child. Courts like to uphold the status quo when it comes to a child's living arrangements unless they can see that contact has been unfairly blocked - even then the order would only be for EOW or 50/50 at most. I presume the ex does no overnights with the child so no way would the courts just change living arrangements just like that.

Sorry can't be more help, might be worth getting this moved to Relationships as there is much more traffic over there and I wouldn't say this is a stepparenting issue as such.

Underthemoonlight · 13/12/2016 23:18

Firstly I don't think it's for you to being getting involved you been in this child life less than a year, he is not ''our''child but your GFs child. Maybe your involvement is trigging his anger and provoking him further?

Is a contact order in place for supervised access? If so he would have to challenge it via courts. Keep all evidence of threats and police reports made as she may need them.

The necessary assessments will be carried out but a decision is made via contacts they can also do an crb to see if there's any previous convictions of domestic abuse. I wouldn't worry too much. It's rare they would remove a child from its main parent

Original poster

user1481668051 · 13/12/2016 23:37

The visiting arrangment was every weekend he would get an entire day with the baby, plus he could visit my gf if he brought his mother. He has verbally agreed to this but if more leniency is required I can talk to my gf about it. He has contacted social services about the matter a few times, but they have always told him there isn't any issues and that they wouldn't do anything. The information so far though is very reassuring.

Also at this point I've been in the childs life for longer than the ex has now, I'm not just going to leave them now.

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 13/12/2016 23:43

I'm not saying to leave them but calling the DC ours when you haven't been in his life in less than a year is too much. A court wouldn't consider your relationship to be established because you haven't been together long.

Have these arranged been made via a third party(mediation or solicitor)?

Original poster

user1481668051 · 13/12/2016 23:47

Social services said that it was enough
But the original plan was made by the ex, he decided he could only do Saturday.

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 13/12/2016 23:53

I would have something written in writing about the arrangements then if he doesnt agree to the access or breaks it you can take the necessary steps via mediation or courts.

Original poster

user1481668051 · 14/12/2016 00:00

Thank you for the help, this has caused so much stress because everything just happened suddenly and I'm so unprepared but doing everything I can to keep them smiling.

OP posts:

throwingpebbles · 14/12/2016 00:09

Does she have evidence of domestic violence? If so and you are on a low income she may be able to get legal aid. If not, I would strongly recommend getting some legal advice

his threats are just that, threats. try not to engage with them but do report them to the police - this helps the court see what is going on. Also keep screen shots etc of nasty messages and record (discreetly) all times he confronts, or write them in a diary (will help you do an accurate witness statement if needed)

Mrsrochesterscat · 14/12/2016 00:12

I don't think the main point of focus here is how long James has been with his gf...! He's asking a serious question about a serious issue!

James you are being so supportive, it's wonderful to read! The ex is being nothing more than a bully. By all means get something written up in court if you like, not everyone takes this route. He won't get full residency just because he demands it. He would have to prove that he is the main career - which clearly he is not.

However, what you do need to do is speak to the police about his threatening and abusing behaviour (if she can feel up to reporting past abuse, that would be great. - if she's not strong enough for that then just report the current intimidation and threats).

There are other areas of MN that may have more experience in these matters - such as Legal, or Relationships. You can ask MN to move your thread if you like?

AllOfTheCoffee · 14/12/2016 00:15

All abusive men threaten to get full custody of the children. It's in the abusers handbook or something. Precisely zero of these men succeed.

It is possible in the future that he might get shared custody if he takes it to court however that is the most he can hope for.

And yes, go to the police about the threats.

Your GF is not going to lose her son.

Original poster

user1481668051 · 14/12/2016 00:16

Currently we have a plethora of messages from him calling her trash, a bad mum and incapable as well as threats of physical violence to me and my gfs mother. We have pictures of damaged furniture and a receipt from a fine after he cut up a birthing pool.

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 14/12/2016 00:18

James I'm so sorry, but the only piece of advice I can offer is to get this moved to the relationships board (if you want to, report your post to MNHQ and ask them to shift it over). Sadly there are a great many extremely knowledgeable posters over there, and generally they are a very caring bunch who are happy to help.

Stay strong, MN WILL be able to help you and your GF

Original poster

user1481668051 · 14/12/2016 00:19

Thank you all so much, we haven't had any support like this. If possible it'd be nice to have this moved to a necessary section like relationships, I just put it in step parenting because it's what I can relate to. This means so much everyone!

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 14/12/2016 00:20

Make copies of all of your evidence and keep them safe. This is going to be crucial

ohfourfoxache · 14/12/2016 00:21

James I've reported your post and asked HQ to move it - I really hope that's ok

Original poster

user1481668051 · 14/12/2016 00:24

I reported it too for the same thing, thank you all, you've all been so wonderful.

OP posts:

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 14/12/2016 01:38

It sounds like a horrible and stressful situation for both of you.

I am no expert at these situations, and it sounds like you could do with some expert advice - find some phone lines for advice, contact the police, contact a solicitor. Not to escalate the situation, do not tell the Ex what you are doing, do not engage.

Minimize all access to you and your GF but do this with no confrontation to him. You can log and document any texts, emails or calls, keep in a file somewhere, but do not reply. Do not read them. Just keep them for evidence. Do not get sucked into the drama. Avoid!

From what I know, flash points and his Ex GF withdrawing, like she may be now, might instigate more threats and violence as the abuser tries to hold on. So take care of yourselves and remember to keep calm.

SeriousSteve · 14/12/2016 02:28

Hi James,

I had a massive sense of deja vu reading your post.

I met my DW 20 years ago, her son was 1. Her ex did everything you have written except his abuse was emotional and physical, not sexual.

He had severe drink problems and was a narcissistic twat.

My DW moved away from him within a year of us meeting, his response was a court battle for custody of the child.

He had a restraining order taken out against him. He also had his ass handed to him in court.

20 years later my DSS still has behavioural issues as a result of his experiences.

I'd advise, police, social services and your gf moving. Nobody will judge but this situation is already seriously out of hand and won't get better.

Feel free to PM me if you wish, anytime.

SeriousSteve · 14/12/2016 02:29

Would recommend finding a good family lawyer too and instructing your own proceedings.

Original poster

user1481668051 · 14/12/2016 02:34

Hey Steve, yeah that's the plan we have had for a while, we are trying to move closer to where my parents are, but yes, that all sounds very familiar.

Thanks again everyone, you've made this all a lil easier to handle!

OP posts:

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