Has anyone heard of Gottmann, The four Horsemen?

[EasyToEatTiger]

I have started the Freedom Programme. I found this <a class="break-all" href="//www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Gottmann and it describes my relationship to a T. My husband has told me that his first wife felt waves of relief when he went away. Frankly I'm not surprised.

Yes. It's well respected evidence-based research on successful relationships.

Yes heard of it.

The problem with criticism is that you can overlook someone's annoying uselessness when things are otherwise going well, not so much when they're being a selfish arse.

My husband has said I should not mind being criticised. . He has also stated unequivically the need to defend himself against me. He has stonewalled me again and again and again and again. He has treated me and all those people who mean anything to me with utter contempt. All these behaviours he has exhibited in spades.

His behaviour has taken me to the police and to Womens' Aid. A psychotherapist thinks things can work one way or another. When I heard this I cried and I felt profoundly that she was condoning appalling behaviour.

I told my husband about Gottman and asked him to look at it. I told him that it displayed my experience of our relationship to a T. I think he was a bit shocked. Anyway, now he is taking pills and behaves better.

I really don't know very much about Gottman and how anyone has experienced his ideas. For the time being at least it offers a bit of a life-line. A structure to hang behaviour off and at least something to recognise what is actually acceptable and what isn't, which I am also learning through the Freedom Programme. It's a long haul, but at least there are a few rules in place, and I doubt that my husband will change. The children are finding his behaviour much better.

He has treated me and all those people who mean anything to me with utter contempt

And you want to stay with him ?

You don't have to stay with him. It sounds like you'd be much better off without him.