Just need to talk about things with DP

[FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname]

I love DP so much and even thinking about this is so painful for me but I need to talk through how I'm feeling and try to make sense of it.

Dp and I broke up about 6 months ago, had some time out and got back together after a few weeks. At the time he was being really affectionate and loving, and I really felt that maybe some of the issues we had in the first place had been resolved and we could move forward.

However, in the months since we've been back together I've been feeling like maybe our differences are just too great and we are fundamentally not compatible. Things that I want in a partner, things I want to be able to do with a partner, I don't do with dp. I'm not really into anything that he likes either tbh although I do try.

I just wonder if love is enough? At one point I thought it was, I thought I could give up the image I had of what I wanted my ideal partner to be before I met Dp because I love him and I could adjust my expectations but I'm not sure if I can. I'm not sure if I will just end up irritated and resenting him from stopping me from living the life I want to live.

On a practical level, I don't know how I'll manage if we split. I'm a uni student but I absolutely cannot afford to live on my own, not even in a room in a shared flat. The place we are in now is super cheap and I'm sharing the bills with dp and I'm still massively struggling, there is no way I could afford it living alone.

Realistically I would have to move back to my home town eventually if we split, there is better job prospects there, better earning potential, my family and friends are there etc. However, since my home town is near London it would be so expensive to live there I just don't know how I could afford it. I just wouldn't want to stay living here if we broke up.

Feel so confused.

Sounds like you are putting the practicalities in front of your own happiness. Honestly it shouldn't be this hard. You've already split once. Why? Can you finish your course in London?

You haven't told us what you like and dislike about him. I think it would be useful to think about that before looking at practicalities and logistics.

I could, possibly, but I'm in my last year so I would prefer to finish it here as it'll only be until the summer.

One one hand, here I have Dp and he makes me happy but I dont have the lifestyle or job I want and am very very unlikely to get it living here. I have no friends or family here.

On the other, if I move I will have more support around me, I'll be closer to family and friends but I will have to struggle for money so much I may end up miserable in the long run.

In terms of Dp himself?

I do love him. The thought of being without him breaks my heart. He was with me through the hardest time in my life. I honestly dont know how I would have coped if he hadnt been there. He loved and supported me while everyone else abandoned me.

But we have nothing in common. No shared interests really. I want to travel the world and meet new and interesting people, have new experiences. I am very close with my family and my friends are very important to me. He really isn't interested in either. He is much more of an introvert and would ideally like it to just be the two of us living alone in a house we build ourselves on a desert island. I don't think I can live like that.

Is he flexible? Would he move? Got to new places for you?

I'm naturally an introvert and get anxious about going places but DH is like you. He plans our travels in a way that makes me feel
Comfortable so we both get what we want. I would never want to hold him back though.

You don't really need much in the way of shared interests, but your goals need to work together. If your aim is to live near family, be busy and adventurous and his is to have a quiet life where you live now, you're not going to be happy in the long run I'm afraid.

Does he know how you feel?

I think he does know how I feel but maybe doesnt quite get it or at least not the full extent of it.

He wont move - he has a dc here and he likes the area. Wont even compromise to move closer but not all the way.

He says he will come travelling with me but in over three years together we've never had a holiday or been away together anywhere, not even for the weekend. Something always comes up, theres always an excuse. Not enough money, can't get the time off work etc. I feel like it will never happen.

You say you're struggling money wise yet you want holidays/weekends away. How would you pay for these if you're struggling financially? How can you save to go travelling the world if you're struggling to make ends meet now?

A lot of people dream of an amazing lifestyle but our realities are often different. You need to decide which is going to be more important to you - your travelling/holidays/new job or staying put with your dp who is unwilling to compromise. If you give up your dreams for someone else it is very easy for resentment to set in.

Look the fundamental issue here is your career and prospects. Are you saying that you don't have the opportunity to pursue it where you currently live once you graduate?

And if not are you will to chuck that away on this relationship?

I'm only struggling financially at the moment angle, earlier in the year i had a different job and was much more able to save for things like holidays. In a few months time I will be in a better position again so the struggling is only temporary (hopefully!).

Job prospects are not good in this area. If I stay here its unlikely I will make significantly over NMW, which is what I'm on at the moment. Most jobs here are MW and seasonal.

I think it sounds like you're with him for convenience mainly. Your heart certainly doesn't sound in it and your listing lots of practical, financial reasons to continue in the relationship.

The idea that you have a pre-determined idea of your ideal partner is quite odd too. I'm not convinced anyone would be able to live up to the image of your ideal man you've built up.

Do the decent thing and end the relationship and let him move on. At the moment it does come across as you're using him until you graduate and move on to your exciting new adventures. You are allowed to break up without any other reasons.

The thing is happy, I'm not with him for convenience. I do really, genuinely, love him. But I'm not sure if that is reciprocated in the way I would like a partner to do, which is what I mean about the 'ideal' partner. I don't expect perfect as I'm sure a perfect person doesnt exist. I just want someone who does little but important things to show me how much they care, Say, for example, make me breakfast in bed occasionally. Someone who does their fair share in the house, who supports me trying to better myself my studying and trying to retrain. Dp doesnt do any of that.

I have to do everything in the house because I 'only' work part time and am at uni, whereas he works full time. I cook every single meal and do all the cleaning and laundry. We are completely financially seperate but pay the exact same amount for bills even though I earn less. Secretly Dp thinks that me studying is a bit pointless and wont make a difference in the long run and definitely doesnt really see my studying as 'work' or as important.

But I love him and I dont know how to be without him. I want to have exciting adventures but I want to do it with him!

Oh god, just get rid. You sound focused, ambitious and curious about the world. Don't sell yourself short.

He doesn't actually sound that supportive at all especially as regards your career or development. He sounds like a dead weight who will drag you down and suck the life out of you eventually. Whatever happens, don't get pregnant by this man. If you feel you have to stay for now due to financial circumstances, that's your choice but don't shackle yourself to him for life!

So sorry to have to say this but you really need to leave this man. You want to travel, meet people and have new experiences and he wants to sit at home. This will drive you round the bend - don't limit yourself like this.

I have to do everything in the house because I 'only' work part time and am at uni, whereas he works full time. I cook every single meal and do all the cleaning and laundry. We are completely financially seperate but pay the exact same amount for bills even though I earn less. Secretly Dp thinks that me studying is a bit pointless and wont make a difference in the long run and definitely doesnt really see my studying as 'work' or as important.

Run a mile. He will never not think like this.

You can do so much better.

Jesus h Christ OP. I think you posed about him before?? He's older right? And I think we all said you should move on. If it's not you then you should read that thread!

Big red flag for me is him trying to control your education and drive add all the other red flags plus the fact you actually need to leave for your career and you have your answer.

Please, get a grip, you know what the right answer is here. Ask yourself what good looks like in 5 years. Does it look like you living where you are now on a low wage, a kid and picking up this dudes pants?

No that wasn't me jeaux, neither of us wants kids so that won't be an issue but I get what you mean

Life is too short. I would stay until you finish your degree and then get out.

You need someone who will help you be the best version of you that you can be and he just isn't it.

How old are you both? How long together?

Once you start to notice the differences between you l, they can turn to irritations and then resentment.That will kill off love.

If you can see you are not compatible then I'm not sure it will work in the long term.If you are young please do not settle.Too many of us (including me) do and live to regret it.

"I have to do everything in the house because I 'only' work part time and am at uni, whereas he works full time. I cook every single meal and do all the cleaning and laundry. We are completely financially seperate but pay the exact same amount for bills even though I earn less. Secretly Dp thinks that me studying is a bit pointless and wont make a difference in the long run and definitely doesnt really see my studying as 'work' or as important. "

How much leisure time does he get a week? How much leisure time do you get per week? I bet he gets more. He's treating you like a fucking doormat and you are grateful. You are young, you haven't got kids with him, he is a drain on your energy and your ambition and your self-respect, WTF are you doing with him? FFS get out, he has no respect for you. He treats you like a skivvy, he's charging you the same even though he does fuck all housework - what would it cost him to pay a cleaner? What's wrong with you, why the hell do you love a horrible man like this?

Stop loving him and LTB. Honestly. And then read "In the Name of Love" by Jill Tweedie to find out why it's bollocks to see love as being the reason to put up with shit.

Oh I understand clearer now. Sadly you don't see a future with this man that you want and you certainly shouldn't stay with him and sacrifice your ambitions for someone who you feel doesn't value you.

If I were you I would plan a future that you want regardless of his plans.

You have so much potential. He will drag you down. Finish your studies and get the fuck out of there.

You don't sound compatible and you're just starting out. Don't let him drag you down. Finish your studies, get a brilliant job, travel the world! You sound full of life and ambition and this bloke hasn't even gone with you on a weekend away or cooked you a meal and doesn't sound as if he appreciates or respects you much. There is no future there.

If you are a full time student plus having a job then you are already doing more than him. You are in your final year at university. Focus on getting a good degree. That is the most important thing because it can influence the rest of your life. Once you have got that you can do whatever you want. You have another five months or so - one more semester and you're done. If it makes sense get a room in a student house, or even halls (there are often rooms free after Christmas).

You know what a decent man who valued you, loved you and valued your life would do?

He'd encourage you to get that degree, not expect you to be skivvying for him while you should be studying to get the best result you can.

Do you not have any friends you can houseshare of flat share with? Or failing that, just look for a houseshare with other young people whether you know them or not. Frankly, whoever you end up with is bound to treat you with more respect than this guy. Housemates don't tend to expect you to pick up their shit when you're paying the same rent and utility costs as them.

Your bf was never going to be a catalyst to the things you supposedly want from life, which begs the question, how badly do want these things and what are you prepared to do to achieve them? Your bf isn't holding you back (which I think has been your excuse), you are and the sooner you own that, the closer to walking the path of your ambitions you'll be.