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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't know what to do with relationship

23 replies

Meg1234 · 12/12/2016 13:31

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and love each other so much but he is only 21 he is still young and still learning but whatever he does I hate so much like going out with friends I hate it, I trust him 80% but there's always that 20% at the back of your head because really and truly we can't trust nobody in this world. So I have asked him not to go or do certain things not big things but the other night he completely ignored me and went to a nightclub in one of the big cities with his friends and went back to uni house and I had to ring him and ask him where he was at 12am!!! He gave me abuse down the phone then told me he was sorry, the next morning he then called me to say don't worry it's all over now and I'm like yes your fun and games are over now you want to be in a relationship. I've asked him many times what he wants and he says me and makes me feel bad because he says stuff like I know I'm wrong I'm sorry but I can't believe you would let something like this ruin us.. its abit of a mind game really...lol

OP posts:

Original poster

Meg1234 · 12/12/2016 13:32

Hey

OP posts:

TheSparrowhawk · 12/12/2016 13:37

So are you going to monitor his every move for the rest of his life?

Oysterbabe · 12/12/2016 13:41

To be blunt, I would have dumped you in 5 minutes with that controlling behaviour.

Huskylover1 · 12/12/2016 13:41

If you carry on like this, you will drive him away. He's 21 for goodness sake. Of course he will be out at midnight! My son is 19 and regularly stays out till 4am. He has a GF and would never cheat on her, because he is a decent human being and has been raised right. Just because your BF is 21, doesn't mean he will cheat. The other way of looking at it, is that if you are constantly needy/clingy/hard work, the more attractive a laid back female will look! Nobody needs this angst, do they?

Really12345678910 · 12/12/2016 13:42

Well I'm guessing there's an age gap....? Nothing wrong with that. We have one in our relationship. He's a 21 year old lady. Finding his feet and doesn't want to feel nagged about his whereabouts like his mum would. You told him the things you don't like. That's fair. But you can't stop him doing these things. It. Going to a night club. If you are not happy then maybe the relationship is not right for you. Is this delbreaker or can you be comfortable with him going?

SelfCleaningVagina · 12/12/2016 13:43

He's only 21 years old, with no children and not a care in the world. If he wants a night out with his friends occasionally then he is entitled to one. You are not his keeper. If you have trust issues that's your problem, not his. How old are you?

I am going to bet that this relationship has run its course as far as your BF is concerned and I would brace myself for it being over soon if I were you. You sound ridiculously insecure, controlling and slightly unhinged.

Really12345678910 · 12/12/2016 13:43

That was meant to say lad not lady

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2016 13:45

I don't see why his fun and games need to be over if he's in a relationship, why can't he go out with his mates to nightclubs or whatever? It's hardly unreasonable or unusual

I think if you don't stop trying to control him he will leave you,

Maxwellthecat · 12/12/2016 13:47

Oh dear. How old are you??
You sound very young and like you still need to learn how to give someone space. Your boyfriend needs a life outside you and has the right to do and go wherever he wants and that includes going clubbing and back to parties. If you carry on like this you're relationship will not last.
I find it very sad you think that you can't trust anyone, maybe you should look into counselling.

BitchQueen90 · 12/12/2016 13:48

Are you older than him? Do you have DC?

Honestly if you're going to act like this then you should end it. You can't tell him what to do, he's 21 and of course he wants to be going out. I wouldn't get involved with a 21 year old because I have a DS and I wouldn't expect a 21 year old lad to want to sit at home with me every weekend while his friends are out having fun. I'm afraid you're either going to have to accept it or move on and find somebody who wants the same things you do.

Happybunny19 · 12/12/2016 14:15

Well if you want it to end carry on as you are. Honestly this is all pathetic really, get a grip on yourself.

Everyone else is assuming you're older. If that's the case you should know better.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/12/2016 14:25

A 21 year old - going to a nightclub!!???
OMG! Stop the press.

Seriously!
I've no idea how old you are but you need to back off.
I go out with my friends and so does my OH.
We are independent people and have separate things we do.
You know like...... ADULTS!!!!

SassyPants19 · 12/12/2016 14:47

Are you seriously questioning his actions over your own OP? Your behaviour is simply controlling and down right frightening - if he were my mate, I'd be telling him to run for the hills and as for you - you're clearly not happy and have hugely low self esteem. Your relationship isn't a relationship
Without trust and communication - both of which seem to be absent. Either chill out a bit and start trusting him or end the relationship and start working on your insecurities so you can have a normal relationship with the next guy that comes along.

AyeAmarok · 12/12/2016 14:51

What's the issue with a 21 year old guy going to a nightclub and still being out at midnight?

I'd ask why you don't go with him, but the poor guy is probably desperate for air and needs a break from you.

xStefx · 12/12/2016 14:55

OP, WTF! Grow up
1: He doesn't belong to you
2: He has his own life
3: You sound like your about 17? am I guessing right
4: If he has not given you any reason for you to distrust him in the past then why don't you trust him 100%
5: Would you be happy if he tried telling you where you can and cant go
I can go on and on, OP your too immature to be in a relationship, get back to brownies!!!

Forgettheworld · 12/12/2016 15:04

Oh dear. He needs to dump you.

RestlessTraveller · 12/12/2016 15:33

The nature of your post makes it sounds like you don't see anything wrong with your behaviour. You need to realise that you are being controlling and bordering on abusive.

You have no right to manage every aspect of his life, he is an adult and he has the right to go out wherever he choses without you ringing and demanding he returns.

I'm amazed he's still with you.

TheNaze73 · 12/12/2016 19:15

You sound very controlling. How often do you expect the poor bloke to check in?

chipsandgin · 12/12/2016 19:29

Hmm. Poor bloke & ^what they said^
(like, all of them...are you listening OP?)

LesisMiserable · 12/12/2016 19:31

No way this is real

Joysmum · 12/12/2016 19:35

I'd have dumped you too at only 21.

Even when I was older and got together with my now DH having had trust issues thanks to a previous abusive relationship which only ended after he cheated again, I recognised those issues were mine alone and not due to my DH not being untrustworthy.

If he is trustworthy and not deserving of your mistrust then you really need to start thinking with your head rather than feeling with your heart or you will push him away by being controlling.

Cary2012 · 12/12/2016 19:47

At 21, back in the day, I used to get home on the back of a milk float! Happy days...I also had a long term boyfriend, and would never cheat on him.

When my daughters were 21, they would often roll in at 6.00 in the morning. Both had long term boyfriends, and never cheated.

I think you know where I'm going with this OP...

cut the guy some slack, he's young and life is for living. There is nothing more likely to chase him away than a needy girlfriend.

The more you worry, the more pressure you put on him, the more likely he is to do the thing you dread.

corythatwas · 12/12/2016 22:04

So all his fun is supposed to be over now he is in a relationship? Do you know what that is called? Emotional abuse.

A good relationship is one where both partners trust each other and want the other to be happy. By the sounds of it, you are not ready to be one half of a good relationship at the moment.

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