Why do i feel like this.

[caperboo]

Fully expecting to be shoot for this, but I am married , twenty years this April , I have mental health problems( bipolar type 2 and eating disorders ,aniexty), I don't know if this is the cause for the way I feel or it's just I am a horrid person.
We have children I live my children immensely I would do absolutely anything for them.
My relationship with my oh is difficult, he has a temper not physically just verbally , he sulks sometimes for days , he's been like this long before we married I just think I stayed because I couldn't find better and the children albeit love him. Our relationship is not completely loveless though just difficult.
But I keep searching for something else , I have male friends ( just friends) who I know if I give the nod I could turn into more , I haven't but sometimes I want too , I need more to my life but I am not strong enough to leave , I keep obsessing and searching for other things. I don't know how to stop this and continue with the life I have chosen , for the sake of my oh and children

Do you think it's better for your children to be in a situation where their mother is unhappy and is being bullied by a verbally abusive, sulky arsehole?

No I don't , I just think I need some inner strength from somewhere , I just can't find it ,
My older children seemed to have accepted that's what dads like and almost just get on with it as though he's just there . They come to me for help and advice but rarely ask their dad.

You clearly have the strength, as the hardest part is deciding to leave and you're almost there. The rest of it is logistics and that is very complicated but totally doable. Making the decision is the key thing, from there on in you can handle it.

My eldest is 18 my youngest will be 2 in April , I think I know what I have to do , i am
Not even sure how though, but ATM if I can't stop obsessing over other ppl I don't think I shall do ever move forward ,

The obsessing about other people is a comfort blanket. Other people won't really care, but you've convinced yourself that they will because that allows you not to act. You can get past that, with a bit of time.