Sharing money and expenses with blended family

[somebody1999]

Apologies if this is not in quite the right area of Talk, I'm not sure if it counts as a relationship or money matters or more likely a bit of both... .Anyhow....I'll describe it and see if anyone replies :)

I'm in a relationship where my OH has 1 DS and I have 3 DC. We have the children on the same timetables (EOW and 1 or 2 nights each week) and they all get along great with each other and with us, so no real issues there.

Of course it's Christmas time coming up so I guess a lot of people have the same issues/discussions around money (although the discussions are on a wider scale than just presents). We both earn similar amounts of money, both full time jobs. We've not yet got joint accounts, so each have our own money as such. The question is, what is fair/unfair/expected/not-expected. E.g. these situations:

• Buying presents - OH has bought some presents for mine, I've contributed to hers and bought mine as well, should this be a 50/50 split of money spent? The children are in a 3:1 ratio, should the spend reflect that?
• Treats/Other spend - OH like to treat her DS, and IMO buys nice stuff for him quite often. At the moment I'm struggling to afford expensive items for mine so I do get questions off mine asking why DSS has x/y/z. One thing I will say though, which we often discuss, is DSS really appreciates the things he gets and plays/uses with them a hell of a lot more than mine play with anything. So it does feel almost right that he gets things he will actually use (does that make any sense?)
• Household bills - at the moment these all fall to me, the longer term intention is to split them, but at our stage of relationship it's me paying those at the moment. But again when we do split payment, is it 50/50 or some other split?

Any help/advice/etc welcome....

I think household bills should be split 50-50. I would resent paying all the bills but my OH then being able to buy expensive toys.

Why do you pay all household bills - sure!y they should be split equally? Or proportional to income if very different.

Ideally spend equally on the kids - though more important they get something they really like. Can she treat her DS because there is only one of him compared to yr 3 or from all the money she saves by not paying bills?!

Sorry the bills thing is probably a bit of a red herring - there are good reasons I'm paying all the bills at the moment and that will change, I'm not against that as such, although it is meaning I've not got too much spare cash floating around each month, but we're trying to put together a budget overall as well.

Actually to give an example of one of the discussions, I started giving mine £2 a week pocket money, and then added in her DS so they are getting £8 a week. My OH has asked that I stop doing that as it costs too much over the year (£400+) and she gets treats for DS anyhow, so why don't we just get treats for all of them and ditch the pocket money,

My OH is used to being able to buy her DS pretty much whatever he wants as she's had plenty of disposable income before we got together. TBH I also used to have plenty of disposable income but struggling at the moment and massive divorce costs (around £11,000) are wiping me out. I wonder if it's my stress over that side of things that is meaning I feel I can't afford to buy treats for mine on the same level. Is my OH being selfish in wanting to continue doing what she had been doing just because I'm struggling at the moment and have 3 DC? (That's the question my OH is asking me, I don't think she is being selfish but then I don't want the children to start resenting one another for getting different things)

She's being selfish if you are both paying all the bills and struggling. And I'd be annoyed if someone stopped me giving my children £2 pocket money.

MinesAGin - but did my OH come into the relationship expecting that she has to get her DS less things just because I'm struggling? This is something I struggle with, she may stop doing something (and something for her DS, not for herself per se) just because of the situtation I'm in? Is that right or fair?

If she has enough spare money to treat her DS and you don't have enough spare money to treat your DC then she should help pay the household bills.

Okay I'm wondering if I've muddled things with the bills, although it is interesting and made me think.

What about in general, if we were splitting the bills 50/50, should each child get the same things? Concrete example of a Christmas present, we're getting them all bikes:

DS of OH - £220 bike (but sized so that it'll last 5+ years)
DD1 of mine - £130 bike (sized to last again 5years+)
DD2 of mine - £10 bike from ebay (expecting to grow out of it in a year)
DS of mine - £100 bike (sized to last but unsure if he'll stick with riding it)

OH paid for all the bikes (well apart from the £10 ebay one which I paid for). Would people regard that as fair? Or is it even relevant to focus on the money aspect of it? (The £220 bike was the one DSS wanted - although it was the first one he picked out and the second most expensive in the shop)

So yr DP has spent the same on yr 2 together as on her DS?
Its awful for kids in whatever kind of blended family to feel one among them is favoured
By itself that doesn't seem right but how other household expenses are paid & by whom really does have a bearing.

I guess you need to factor in what the other parents are giving them too (hopefully not bikes!)
How will yr DD2 feel? Is there some plan that a bike will be passed on to her?

If all the kids have similar set up with their other parent then they should get similar at your house.
If for example your OH's DS's father won't be getting him anything for Xmas while your x is as genereous as you then you could see why OH may want to treat a bit more - but if that's not the case then you need to be fair in your house.
On the other hand the cost of the bikes only becomes an issue if the children know (and/or care) about the cost of them. If they are all happy with the bike they get then the price doesn't really matter - but if your kids would be upset by their blended Brother getting more that might start to resent him.

Regarding the other parents, in a lot of ways I don't think it's relevant really, although for completeness they get similar kinds of presents, this year for instance DSS got a Play Station 4 off his Dad and a Segway thing off my OH. Mine will probably get similar type gifts (no communication from my exw so don't know what she is actually going to get, but will be similar stuff)

But the crucial question for me is, is it fair that DSS used to be treated to anything, and now would OH be expected to basically get 4 of everything therefore DSS will get a lot less?

You sound like a decent person who is trying to do the right thing. At least you are trying to put some thought into it rather than just muddling through and letting problems build up.

It does all sound rather early days to be living together though, if you are very recently divorced, but that's just my opinion.

My gut instinct is that children can understand changes to circumstances more easily than they can understand unfairness. So I think it would be harder for your children to see DSS getting much more expensive gifts, than it would for DSS to have his gift scaled back. On the other hand, if you spend Christmas separately then maybe it won't be such an issue?

I think if you keep putting yourself in the mind of each child and mentally testing situations to see if they could be seen as unfair, then hopefully you won't go too far wrong.

I think treats lose their meaning if there are too many so scaling back could be a good thing - though yr OH may not see it that way. The equal pocket money seems a much better idea to me.

Good point maybe doctor I never knew what anything cost when I was a kid so did not compare (one does notice as an adult though) but I have heard of kids sending costed present lists by email this year!

ocelot7 yes that is true, I think especially for the bikes in that they all have a bike, so really the price shouldn't matter. And in all the christmas presents they have a roughly equal amount (in number of rather than price of) so hopefully no squabbles.

I think the worst problems are almost where they each get something, but then DSS gets a "better" something (IMO anyway). There was a coats thing where mine each got a coat from ebay - branded mind you, so Ralph Loren, Boden, so good quality but second hand costing £2.50 - £10 ish). Then OH bought an £80 new coat for DSS. So they each have a coat, and they are all nice ones, but because that's what she used to get DSS she just got it him. Neither of us can really stretch to £240 to buy my 3 equivalent coats, but does it matter? I must admit in that case I had a bit of a rant as I was feeling down that I'm maybe buying less now for my DCs than I ever have in the past due to money worries. OH did send the coat back as a result, she's not being deliberately selfish, just doing what she did before and she worries that doing something different she is depriving her DS

Children thrive on love & lovely time together not stuff
I'd be with you on the bargain coats & think £80 for a child's coat is a waste of money :)
This could mean you have rather different attitudes to money/spending though?

I would feel awkward if I was yr DP living there & not contributing to household expenses then being able to 'treat' my DS due to having more available cash.
I don't live with my DP but always take food & toiletries for the household and wine/beer when I go at the w/end otherwise I'd feel bad

Once you split the bills could you set up an abount which you both put money in what ever you can afford and spend that equally on all the children? My DP has 2 kids and I have none but we use our joint abount to pay for their things

Can you tell us why you're paying the bills when she clearly has enough money and you clearly don't?

So you had a rant at your partner for buying her son a new coat whereas you bought your children second hand coats because of lack of cash. This resulted in your partner sending the coat back? Are you renting or buying a house and whose name is on the tenancy/mortgage?

The two of you need to have a sit down and discuss your finances, perhaps with an independent adviser so fair agreement is reached, otherwise I cannot see this partnership working much longer.

I'm not paying the bills because the divorce hasn't been finalised and the finances haven't either, so I can't get combined bills etc yet in place. That's a short term thing and we will combine.

I own the house and OH moved in with me, also a reason I am paying the bills.

What I think is that I didn't get together with OH so that she can subsidise my kids. Yes she does help and we split the other expenditure more or less equally. Should I be expecting OH to subside my kids?

That meant to I'm not splitting the bills...

From what you have said it seems you are subsidising yr DP rather than any Q of her subsidising yr kids.

I don't have the answer re the 1:3 kid ratio but a poster up thread suggesting you both pay equally into a kids fund. She paid towards the expenses of her partners kids as does a friend of mine with her DP's kid though neither of them have children of their own.

What did yr DP subsequently do re a coat for her DS?
You said she paid for all the bikes - is that her part/total contribution to the household? If so I'm a bit horrified she spent more on her DS than on yr kids - though it seems you agreed or at least went along with it?

Can't your DP temporarily put the amount that she would be spending on bills into a separate savings account that can be used towards equal presents and spending for the kids and any school trips or holidays etc

As a PP said, if your divorce isn't finalised you're moving a bit quickly here.
I don't understand why you can't split the household bills properly - even with your explanation.

This is about more than just money though.

For example pocket money - I would rather give my child this, than treats, because it's my parenting approach that it's part of the building blocks of teaching them about saving, budgeting, and value for money. Since my 7yo started to have it, I can say "yes you can have it - that's like a whole month of pocket money though". And even with the money in her hand (say it's a birthday) she'OK sometimes say "I love it - but no way is that worth a whole month!" and leave it. If her stepfather (to be, my fiancé) said he didn't want to do pocket money, I wouldn't budge on it.

It's a bit easier for us because he has late teens and I have a primary age. I spend more on his than he does on mine, because I earn more. In a few years time it'll just be from "us" but right now we don't want them to feel their dad just became a couple unit, full stop. He's widowed, so we're sensitive to that.

So the Agee of your kids matters a bit I think.

Another issue is you say your kids don't appreciate things as much - then don't worry. Either that's bad (too expectant and so getting less is good for them) or it's good - they're not materialistic - but again, it's fine to give them less.

If you genuinely want to be a family, with small kids, you need to treat them the same. But that doesn't always mean equal money.

Have you talked this through for the long time?

My fiancé will do "well" from our relationship financially - he's letting out his house and keeping the profit and paying no bills at mine, because of our incomes. But we have both agreed that the money we have brought in as savings and will save in future separately, is earmarked for our own children only. You need to be aligned on this now, not later. If you think toys at Xmas is tricky to negotiate, wait til it's share of costs at uni. It's easy to give an extra £100 at Xmas to your SC. What about when your half of uni halls is £5K more than you would have spent?