DD (11) has a boyfriend??

[Noodoodle]

DD has a mobile, given just prior to leaving primary. She uses it to keep in touch with her primary school friends as she went to a different secondary but now talks to new ones with it too, which I don't mind. It's mostly stupid chainmail or asking about homework.

So she leaves her phone laying around with screen on and dh sees it has a message from a boy at new school (in her year she says bit I cannot verify, though she also speaks to boys that are friends from primary). He reads through a few and is shocked to see them both refer to him (the boy) as her bf. So he takes the phone to show me. I had a look through the whole convo...It's long...and it started off that that they were "together", she broke up with him for a prank, he was upset and wanted her to apologise. Then told her if she wanted them to be bf/gf again she would have to ask HIM out this time. So she did. Omg, I was seething.

The rest of the conversation is super fine with me, talking about games they play, homework, why they weren't in whatever club or class, things that could easily have just been from another girl.

Dh wanted me to chat with her as he already wanted to strangle the boy (figuratively, obviously) so I did. I told her that it's fine to have friends that are boys, it's fine to think they are cute (I did this myself at that age so I do understand) fine to chat and hang out, but 11year olds DO NOT HAVE BOYFRIENDS. It's just not a thing. I told her that playing a prank on someone as she confirmed she did, is not a nice thing to do but she is not to let a boy TELL her she needs to apologise and do it, if she cares or wants to, she will. He'd also told her she should prove she was sorry, she asked how and he said don't know, cry. I explained this was also not acceptable.

She says they are friends and that she understands what I'm saying but that she doesn't really "like" him. I do think she is lying about that but I do understand (found the usual "love scribblings" in her school planner-told her to keep them out of it). I don't want to be mum-friend but I do want her to feel she can talk to me openly if she needs to. I also explained that privacy was different when I was growing up and everything is more out in the open now but that she deserves privacy (with her phone, etc) but that it comes with honesty and trust so as long as she is doing that I won't be snooping through her phone every second. I do, slyly, about once a week just to make sure she is ok and being sensible as she is easily lead and not really emotionally mature.

Dh very uncomfortable with the whole thing but if he had his way she'd probably never speak to a male until 25! (lighthearted). Should I worry, should I say anything else? Those of you with pre-teen dd's, have you had this?!

The2ndspartacus actually, I will say I am not like your mum if she was how you describe. I am not controlling, nor am I trying to keep her innocent (though of course that would be lovely but it's not practical, reality, or healthy). I do care a great deal about how she feels and we get on brilliantly. She is practically stuck to my hip for a large amount of time when at home (helping with her homework, doing activities together), out of her own choice I might add, and I encourage her to join clubs and be independent where appropriate.

Sometimes it's better to address things before they become a problem, I thought this was what I was doing (not had pre-teen girl before remember) but was clearly second guessing myself, hence asking...I absolutely accept (thank you to those who reassure it is "normal") that 11 year olds have boyfriends. And that that is ok. I've worried "in my head" more than out loud and I do accept that aspects of what I've said were ott. I'm sorry some of you seem to think it crazy that someone would be shocked to learn their dd has a bf, maybe shock is the wrong word, maybe unexpectedly surprised? Either way, those of you thinking I'm awful and controlling and that my dd will never talk to me again, rest assured knowing that I also think YOU are massively overreacting. So we can agree to disagree there.

I did not speak horribly to dd, and made sure to tell her our chat was not because she had done anything, that she had done absolutely nothing wrong, but we were just going to talk because of the bf thing being new and was that ok? She was a willing participant in the conversation. Aside from being very helpfully told that bf's at 11 is fine, I actually wish I hadn't bothered.

And Namechanged22 that's really lovely!

Bluntness yes I believe same year, same age. You are correct, as I didn't have that when I was 11, it didn't occur I was looking at it as an adult and not how it was more likely truly meant.

EverythingEverywhere no it wasn't a nice thing to do, she accepts that -it didn't occur to her that it would be that upsetting as she obviously didn't think through what she did. I asked her if she would have liked it if he had done that to her, and the penny dropped. 1st "bf" mistake, learned from I think.

I think you're being over protective here.

Ridiculous overreaction. I'm sure the poor girl is now completely confused. And the 'joke' about the dad not wanting her to talk to a male until she is 25 - what midogynistic claptrap - applauding the policing of normal blossoming romantic feelings. I take it he wouldn't do this with a son - backslaps all round if he had a girlfriend I suspect.

Is this/a joke? It all sounds very innocent, you're making it into a massive deal for her where it probably wasnt.
What's wrong with him saying you ask me out this time

I think this was a spectacular overreaction but its good to be used as a learning experience.

Be aware of this type of reaction on every step of her journey into adulthood. Just becuase you didnt do something, doesnt meant it is therefore abnormal. Especially if you indeed to speak to her about it only after finding out about it by reading it in a place where she might expect some privacy.

I'd ask here for perspective in future before opting for the "We have been reading your phone and want to confront you about something" approach.

However, her b/f is being a dick and needs to be dumped.

PushingThru the "joke" IS a joke. An overprotective dad joke, yes, but a joke nonetheless and not one repeated to her, just to clarify. It comes more from the side of not wanting her to get hurt in any way, which is unrealistic, hence why it's a joke. And ds is 15 with no sign of getting a gf at the moment but were he 11, I don't even know, he's a completely different child.

Phoebeby no not a joke at all. I've just thought actually that coming from a place of EA has not helped my judgement here. Being demanded to do something doesn't sit well with me in a relationship context, and text doesn't always come across as well as face to face so I can see where/why my take on it would have been different to hers (and probably the situation). I just worry so much sometimes that she could end up letting someone take advantage or be EA to her without her realising and it becoming "ok". If that makes sense. I want her to value herself and be confident,

scottishdiem thanks, it wasn't as blunt as that though I promise! I have what my parents think is a weird way of things, kids that can be reasoned with are talked to and conversed with and explained problems or situations to rather than told and dictated to. It's worked nicely tbh, my dcs are amazingly wonderful. You're the first person to say he's being a dick though!

Your H sounds very uncomfortable with your DC growing up. It's not being overprotective, it's sexism.

My brother has been with his wife since they were 11. They are 42 now, they got married when they were 22 and had their first child at 23, second at 26.

Of course, this is an exception to the rule, but plenty of 11 yolds have 'bf's/gf's in my experience.

I didn't, i still thought boys smelt until i was 15!

This girlfriend/boyfriend thing sounds exactly like what I remember from my 1960s childhood- and incidentally is the same as described in the Anne of Green Gables books for the same age group.

It is a kind of play/practice relationship which has very little to do with the sexuality that hits them a few years later. Young animals do it too, practise courtship games long before they are ready to actually court.

I would be a little wary of letting your dh make jokes of the protecting-girls nature in your dd's hearing, though, however much he assures you that it is only a joke. She may well suspect that the joke covers some underlying reality- after all, jokes quite often reveal quite a bit about what a person really thinks.

She needs to know that as she matures and becomes a sexual being over the next 7 or 8 years or so, that in his eyes this is a normal and happy thing and not something that causes fear and resentment to the people who love her. He is laying the foundations now for his relationship with the young woman of 16. So I'd advise him to be selective in his joking.

Well he told her she should cry to prove she was sorry really is a dickish thing to do at any age! And not the foundation of any bf/gf relationship regardless of how/why she dumped him.

Dd is 4 and she has a boyfriend. we had a few conversations about it,(she doesn't even know what boyfriend means fss!!) and that you're not someone's boyfriend just because they say so and so on..but tbh they mostly go over her head. I got bored of it as well,so I guess we'll revisit when she's 11.