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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has poisoned my girls against my partner of 6 years...

24 replies

LouLou0106 · 12/12/2016 08:57

I divorced 6 years ago and have an amazing new partner - we've been together for 5.5 years and it has been totally wonderful - we are very much in love and had committed to wanting to spend the rest of our lives together. But my ex-husband is so bitter he has been poisoning my girls and making them feel so conflicted. Now my wonderful man thinks we should sacrifice our relationship for the happiness of the children. Any thoughts or perspectives? My youngest has Aspergers (mildly) and can be a challenge - he thinks the situation will only make her worse - I'm not so sure.
Help - I'm a bit desperate!!!

OP posts:
Winterflower84 · 12/12/2016 09:27

I think what you should do first place is to improve your relationship with your daughters. How old are they BTW? Show to them that genuine love, warmth and devotion that you have for them and build or re-build a close relationship with them. Once they realise that you are the closest person to them, they will trust you and accept your choices. And by no means say anything bad about their Dad. I know it will break you if you end your relationship with DP, so go for the alternative route. I'm sure you can do it OP.

Original poster
LouLou0106 · 12/12/2016 09:40

Thank you - girls are 10 and 13 - and we do have a really strong relationship - but they have said they would be happier if I wasn't with my DP - which is super hard to hear and difficult to know what to do!
And I'm really careful not to bad mouth their Dad - I believe they have a right to love him.

OP posts:
longdiling · 12/12/2016 09:47

Are you absolutely sure it comes from your ex? Can they be specific about what it is that they find hard about your relationship with your partner?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/12/2016 09:50

Be very careful about blaming your ex without proof.

He may have absolutely nothing to do with it!

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 12/12/2016 09:53

Have you had an open discussion with them about why they would rather you weren't together?

You need to make them feel secure enough to tell you exactly how they feel without them worrying that you will be upset or cross with them for it. It really may have nothing to do with your ex husband at all, so you really need to listen to what they are telling you.

Original poster
LouLou0106 · 12/12/2016 09:55

there is definitely a lot of bad mouthing from my ex - 6 years of abuse, 2 CAFCASS reports and 1 non-molestation order later, I know he is very bitter and diffult!

OP posts:
Original poster
LouLou0106 · 12/12/2016 09:56

thank you - I'm trying to have open conversations with them about it - and you're right - it probably isn't all to do with my ex. They think he's a bit old and not cool and fun like Daddy!

OP posts:
abbsisspartacus · 12/12/2016 09:58

The oldest is more than old enough to understand that mum gets a life too

SandyY2K · 12/12/2016 10:03

Him not being cool like their dad, isn't enough of a reason to sacrifice your happiness.

In a few years time, they'll have left home and you'll be alone. You really need to pinpoint what is so bad about him, that they want him out of your life.

If they can't come up with anything concrete, then I'd be having a deeper conversation with them.

Does your partner live with you? Is he much older than you /their dad?

Toffeelatteplease · 12/12/2016 10:05

Do that have any shared interests other than you? They need a relationship with him that is not based on how everyone feels about you. He needs to put the leg work in to find common ground.

That's assuming there is nothing fundamental wrong with him. Although iif he hasn't put the leg work in in 5 and a half years he's going to have a devil of a job turning it round

user1477282676 · 12/12/2016 10:07

What is your DD"s relationship with your partner like from your perspective though? Does he seem to get on well with them? Do they react well to him?

My DD is 12 and one of her friends HATES her stepdad and is only happy when he's working away.

Original poster
LouLou0106 · 12/12/2016 10:13

DP is 55 and I'm 48. There Dad is 50. So he's not super old, but just a bit more old fashioned - their Dad is pretty cool - and devotes his time to them when they see him every other weekend.
He's actually a really thoughtful kind and caring man (which they Dad wasn't) - but I guess kids don't really see some of that.

OP posts:
Original poster
LouLou0106 · 12/12/2016 10:14

DD's relationship with DP is OK - not super warm, but they have asked to have friends to sleep over at his house for parties and things - so that makes me think they can't totally hate him.
We don't live together - although try and spend weekdays at my house and weekends at his house. I think this might be the root of it - as DDs often are moving between homes - so not very settled for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
LouLou0106 · 12/12/2016 10:16

That's quite an interesting point about shared interests - there isn't much - DP would come to their netball matches sometimes, but I think has kept a bit of a distance partly due to nervousness about anything my ex might do or say.

OP posts:
mrssapphirebright · 12/12/2016 10:19

'Now my wonderful man thinks we should sacrifice our relationship for the happiness of the children'.

I would be questionning why your dp wants to give up on your relationship.

mrssapphirebright · 12/12/2016 10:21

Moving between 3 homes doesn't sound great IMO. But if you don't live together I can't really see the problem here.

SandyY2K · 12/12/2016 10:23

If they are happy to have friends over at his place, I don't think they really hate him.

I'd try and do some fun family activities for the 4 of you. Something like bowling, where he has one of the girls on his team and you have the other.

That will help create some bonding. Or an activity like wall climbing, where you encourage each other.

museumum · 12/12/2016 10:25

I don't think I'd be moving thd girls to your dps house at all. Two homes is enough for anyone. Why not have do over to yours and you only go to his if the girls are with their dad.
That might help things settle more.

Toffeelatteplease · 12/12/2016 10:35

Tbh there really isn't much relationship between them then?

He needs to stop worrying about treading on toes and stepping up to the mark a bit. its not as if his a casual boyfriend he's been about 5& half years! You need to look at what shared history they have together (we both enjoy/enjoyed, we go and do this together) You can be involved but its about them finding common ground. Eg From 5 onwards my dad took me on day trips the two of us to visit London, DP took up playing a game the kids enjoyed so they could do it together. Yes its about watching the off netball match but that isn't necessary if its going to cause conflict there are so many ways to do it from taking the dog for a walk to full on "love bombing".

If he hasnt bothered doing this in 5 and half year, he really hasn't gone from "mums boyfriend" to "someone I care for/my......", and not really surprising they don't really like him over much. Doesn't take much input from an ex for the kids to decide he isn't overly interested.

user1477282676 · 12/12/2016 10:37

He needs to play more of an active role in their life OP. Do things with them...take them out for a shop or a coffee...

Original poster
LouLou0106 · 12/12/2016 10:56

good point on questionning underlying issues - I'll think about that.

And doing common activities and things together a good idea - he has done things like take them Christmas shopping for presents for them to give me in previous years, but has been distant from them this year.

Agree that he needs to step up more - thank you all.

I'm a bit new to mumsnet so not sure if I'm replying to you in the right way. But thank you!!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 12/12/2016 11:32

It can be difficult to know how much to be a part of their lives (as a kind of step-parent) and he will be weary of trying not to overstep the mark too., before it'sinterpreted as him trying to be their dad.

Perhaps he has sensed them pulling away and is doing the same. I don't think your DP is at fault here though.

Toffeelatteplease · 12/12/2016 13:04

Its worth spending some time building or emphasising shared history also.

Do you have photos of them and him together? Can you put them up on the wall? There is a specific holiday we all love and go usually yearly. We do a photo book of this the Christmas after. For lots of different reasons life has been quite tough for DC (not least because for many years their dad was undermining everything) photo books and the kitchen photo wall is a way of remembering the good times (and who they happened with) and ensuring the overall narrative of their history stays positive

Do you have videos? Have a few video evenings watching old videos. If partners behind the camera make sure you mention this a few times.

There's lots that can be done but if both are pulling away from the other it will hit a crunch point. It is up to your DP to step up because he's the grown up

Original poster
LouLou0106 · 12/12/2016 13:27

thank you - that is really good advice :-}

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