3 year itch

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Nc as I can do with DP's ex knowing all of this...

We've been together for not long off 3 years. We're engaged, bringing up DSS together and looking to start TTC in the new year. I have been out of work after becoming disabled a few years back but I'm now trying to get my business off the ground. DP has been out of work for 18 months after getting full custody of DSS, but has been looking for work for several months (had 2 interviews, applied for 200 jobs). Money is very tight, we live in a house which needs full decoration (holes in carpets, wallpaper hanging off walls, totally non-functional kitchen that I can't use on my own easily...not just annoying but really safety issues), my health hasn't been great, my mental health has been awful and being looked after by CMHT whilst waiting for a specialist to take me on. In the past couple of weeks I've found myself suddenly wondering what I'm doing with my life but also if I really want to be shacked up and the whole 2.4 children stuff...it's actually making me feel really claustrophobic! It's not spending the rest of my life with him that I don't want but the constant mess and chaos he creates, and LO creates. I feel like I'm drowning in it! I love them both very much but I'm finding myself just wanting to walk away from it all.

On top of this, our sex life has dwindled to twice a month, we are hardly even eating the same meals together (batch cooking on his part so I don't have to when I hurt too much), and date night has disappeared (but DM has offered to have DSS a night a week). He's never been that touchy feely but now I'm lucky if I get a hug a day ( I am very touchy feely especially when down). What do I do? Is this just the 3 year itch or do I need to seriously consider my position?

Dont have a baby yet.
You have virtually none of the resilience needed to have a tiny little baby, the money or the circumstances at the current time. Take that pressure off and focus on the other plans you have.
You have taken on way too much it's not surprising you feel that way. What's the rush?
Once he has a job he will be out of the house, you can decorate etc and things might improve. Don't fall for the old myth of a baby making things better it doesn't work like that. Focus on you

We didn't want to leave a really big age gap between DSS and another - it's going to be at least 6 years (and we're waiting another 6 months first anyway). I was fine when we first decided when we were going to start trying, but yes right now I'm not great on resilience. Business is all home based and asides from doing a couple of hours a week it will run on its own without anyone needing to do much. I've had mental health issues for past 15 years, they've been much worse than this but I've been offered the chance to get long lasting help for my condition that could put the nail in the coffin of it being a problem. I don't want to put off having a baby too much longer but another 3-6 months on top of what we have already said might not be a problem - just will be if we have a girl as we don't have a spare room and i really don't want to move again! We have had no holiday this year or last year, we're not doing Xmas presents due to finances, so yeah maybe you're right, I'm just not sure how to go from this feeling of suffocating...

Why on earth would you want to bring a child into this? No money, house sounds a nightmare and mh thats is trying to be addressed? You reasons for ttc shortly are weak at best! An age gap is irrelevant if the stress of a pregnancy and another mouth to feed means you don't get to enjoy the child?

Pregnancy can really increase your mental health issues.

Me and DH waited till I'd been stable a year. And even so I'm taking a risk.

With the finance issues and house issues on top of this you need to prioritise your MH.

I have an 8 year gap and it's brilliant DD1 loved helping with her little sister and they are incredibly close.

Agree with PP, you are not in the right place to have a child right now: poor health, inadequate accommodation and finances and shaky relationship. Your age gap argument doesn't hold water. Better a 20 year age gap than to throw a baby into your current circumstances.

Think about all the things that you want from your relationship. I agree that date night isn't as important as feeling loved and cherished on a daily basis. Eating together is really important. Sort that out first. Then sex. Why only once a fortnight? Him or you? Would once a week be enough for you? A hug once a day is probably enough, isn't it? Mess and chaos, not good. What does he need to do about that?

Talk to him. You love him, don't run away without at least trying to fix things. If he won't listen to you and make an effort, then you may need to re-think.

3 year itch is a good diagnosis. The honeymoon period is over. This is real life, warts and all.

My eldest DD is 14 and has a little half sister age 1 (not my child, fathers) their relationship is absolutely wonderful and DD is too old to do all the sibling fighting parts and still young enough to want to play and have fun.. age gaps really aren't all that bad. I had 2 under 2 and they aren't very close

I think for now you do need to focus on building that resilience because you underestimate how much you will need it. Pregnancy alone is exhausting and puts a strain on you emotionally and physically not to mention the financial aspect of having another child. You all need to be stable and with that you will likely feel less of this stress. Keep focusing on the long term with these short term goals.

Get DP on side with small goals too
First job - that kitchen
At the same time working on communicating
I imagine he is as stressed as you with this situation

Hedda - eating is because he likes very unhealthy crap and I need the good stuff for my health, I can't even get him to eat at the table. Sex is on his terms - I would much prefer it more often - at least 3 x a week! Yes maybe we do need to delay a LO, my mental health is always going to be there - I've had PTSD for 17 years, but I'm still waiting for some more treatment which might make things a bit better, but it's never going to be cured. Him not helping enough with stuff around the house is really really getting to me. I feel like walking out today, but I'd be losing everything and I'm not even sure if that's I want.