AIBU wanting to move back home

[Hanginginthebalance]

We've had our problems recently. Married 3 years and 21 month DD.

I moved to the area where we now live 7 years ago. I was young, had no commitments and wanted to experience city life.

Since having my daughter my needs and priorities have changed immensely. I've got not 1 friend here. It's very lonely. I'm a SAHM (albeit work 12 hours a week). I have MIL nearby and that's it. DH family are dotted all over.

Every time I bring up moving back to where my family are (2 hours ish away) he cuts me off completely and it's basically NO and changes subject.

I so desperately miss them all. My sister has a DD just a couple of months older than my DD and I just want them to grow up together as they are so happy when they are together playing and giggling. My DD is very very needy and active so I do struggle day to day to get general things done and I know being near to my family would help this too. I get so upset at the thought of my DD growing up and not having the family times that I had growing up. Family are so important for me and it's literally tearing my heart out not being near them.

The cost of living is cheaper back home so the commute cost would be relative. I know he would easily get a job too as there is a lot of what he does back home. I would be happy even if he agreed to 6-12 month trial!!

I don't know what to do anymore.
We are starting counselling soon (he eventually agreed). I'm not expecting this to make him change his mind as moving is on the bottom of his priory list!

Can anyone empathise/have any suggestions/advice?

he cuts me off completely and it's basically NO and changes subject

He's controlling you by shutting you down. This doesn't sound like an equal relationship. Hopefully counselling can help you both reflect on this - but a controlling partner doesn't necessarily respond well if he feels at all threatened by he process x

But moving back home does sound lovely indeed!

Excuse me, he what?! Cuts you off completely? Is he your DAD??

Look, you're equal partners. If one of you isn't happy then you both discuss it. He doesn't have the right or the role to 'shut you down completely'.

Who the fuck does he think he is

Did you meet where you live now? Where do your family live?

If you met him in the city and your family live in a rural area, I can understand why he thinks moving is an unreasonable request.

Where are his family? Where is his home? Would moving to where your family are mean leaving behind his as a result?

Would it be possible to move nearer your family (i.e. enough to make visiting easier) without leaving a busy city location?

Thanks Bacon and springy.

Pringle, we met online. I was living back home and I just so happened to be looking to move to the city. He lived in Home Counties in a small rural town (where we still live now) we commute into the city. My family are by the sea. His family are scattered around the south of England with just MIL round the corner.

Moving close to mine would mean leaving his mum behind. Although she's a young retiree and very much in the financial position to be able to move with us should she want to. He would actually be closer to FIL and SIL if we moved back to my home.

You have lived there 7 years, have a 21 month old, but haven't made any local friends?

At "home" you have your sister, but not a big circle of friends, so will be reliant on her for your social life as well?

I think you might just take your loneliness with you"home". If after 7 years you've not been able to build a network, your home town isn't going to fix that, particularly if your sister has a busy life already.

Sorry to be harsh, but moving won't solve much.

Dinosaur I probably didn't make myself clear. I do have a close circle of friends back home. My, dad, my mum no their partners, gazillions of uncles and aunts and cousins. A have a very large close family and friends.

I think the reason I've not made friends here is a few reasons.

1. I was all work work work
2. I have had zero self confidence which is thankfully changing
3. People (I think) don't always know how to take me and therefore find it hard to make friends with

Sorry but moving sounds bad for DH loss of the city, loss of job and your casual oh he can get another one in your town, loss of where he's lived for at least 7 years. Is there any good points to him moving and have you tried to find any all your reasons seem very me orientated. Also does he get on with your family to the point where he would want to see them every day as I assume you want from the post?

Is there a place you could move to where he could easily get to his current work but is better suited to you getting home so you could take more regular visits??

you could have been me !I had exactly the same situation .

i moved back home and lived with my mum with my DS who was under a year , at that point DP could see i was serious in what i was saying and how home sick i was. I tried so hard to settle in that new area but like you when i first moved i was working in London and we were hardly home.

DP sat up and took notice when i said there's no way i am going back i am too unhappy there. we bought a house here and we stayed with my mum for the 6 months it took to go through.

100% happier . Happy mum happy ds and happy dad - house prices much cheaper and people much friendlier but i had to force him to see it !

However i had made up my mind i was not going back there and i knew he could have decided he was staying but that's how unhappy and isolated i was

I would point out that you are not a SAHM if you work PT outside the home.

It seems as though you both need to do some serious communicating with each other. Real listening on both sides. And real explanations of the problems and issues, as well as trying to see the positives of the other position.

But if he agrees to discuss it but still doesn't want to move. What then? You can't compromise so presumably the status quo would win out?

Well yes and we could get run over by a bus tomorrow

The issue here is that there is no discussion. The results of any potential discussion is a different ball game entirely. Pointless to preempt the result.