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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just can't breathe

18 replies

cantbreatheimisshim · 11/12/2016 20:14

We broke up a few weeks ago after 4 years together. I've been fine so far, I think it's been the shock that made me not realise what happened.

No contact in these weeks, all I see is him liking women's pics on facebook (shows up on my feed), and he seems just fine. The reasons we broke up don't matter, I can just tell you he gave up on me and left forever, however we had a wedding planned (all canceled now).

Tonight, I was looking for some Christmas decorations and I remember this card (this adorable Christmas card from Clintons that we used to write in every year for the past 3....) and I start looking for it, wanting to keep it as a memory. I couldn't find it initially and I had a panic attack, couldn't breathe and unclear vision. I found the card but also found photo frames, teddy bears, etc... things he forgot to take when he moved out.

It striked me. The love of my life is gone. I am all alone, no friends close by, nothing. Just my poor dog who I love to the moon and back. I will never be able to move on or love again, there are SO MANY memories, it's haunting me. I feel lost and I am crying for the first time now while I am writing to MN.

What will I do? How do I feel whole again? Will time heal?

OP posts:
whirlygirly · 11/12/2016 20:18

I'm sorry. Breaking up is just awful, but there must have been reasons you weren't good together. If they don't still feel like valid reasons, get in touch with him.
If they are valid, it's a case of time healing. You will move on, but be kind to yourself and let this grieving stage play itself out. Flowers

HeavenlyEyes · 11/12/2016 20:20

Sorry you feel so awful. First things first - block him on FB and anywhere else. No good will come from watching him liking other women online.

This is early days - you are going to be upset. Allow yourself to be. But believe me when I tell you that you can, and will, be happy again. Either alone or with someone new. It will be ok.

Princesspinkgirl · 11/12/2016 20:22

Sorry op how sad Wine

Aderyn2016 · 11/12/2016 20:24

I wouldn't get in touch. I don't think it will help - you may get his perspective but the thing is that is not going to be 'truth', only his perception. People rewrite events to suit their own narrative, not always on purpose but it's just what happens. It doesn't really matter what the reasons were - all you need to know is that he didn't feel the same way anymore.
You are grieving, which is perfectly natural. Give yourself time and the space to do so, don't be in a rush to feel better - one day you just will. Look after yourself. Don't write off your future - none of us know how things will pan out.

Maverickismywingman · 11/12/2016 20:26

Unfriend and block. You need space to grieve for your relationship.

Take some time for yourself. Do something you've never done. It's ok to be sad.

Original poster
cantbreatheimisshim · 12/12/2016 05:47

Thank you everyone for your very kind words and for taking a minute to reply to me

I am perfectly aware that no one dies from a broken heart. Well, they say it's a broken heart but it's my whole body that hurts.

I wish someone could tell me for sure I will be fine and actually find the real love of my life. I planned a fucking wedding which is dream of every night in different horror scenarios...Confused

OP posts:
SelfCleaningVagina · 12/12/2016 05:55

You really need to block him on facebook. It's torture to have to see everything he's doing/saying while you are feeling so alone. I know it will be hard but do it and you will feel immediately better for it.

Enjoy a good cry and a wail - it's therapeutic. But then pull yourself together and get on with your life. You will survive this and you will love as deeply again. You just don't know that yet, but you will. The best cure for a broken heart is to get back out there and date other people - it's amazing how it takes your mind of things! There is always another 'soulmate' out there somewhere, in fact there are hundreds of them.

Do you have children or are you able to make a completely clean break?

Original poster
cantbreatheimisshim · 12/12/2016 06:25

@selfcleaningvagina- thanks God, we don't have any children. We shared everything- he asked for money, beddings, things you could never imagine (material). I gave him everything and haven't contacted him ever since....

OP posts:
SelfCleaningVagina · 12/12/2016 06:26

Well that's a blessing, so you are free to make a clean break.

Original poster
cantbreatheimisshim · 12/12/2016 06:29

@selfcleaningvagina- you are absolutely right and I am thankful for that. I feel happier, thanks for your comment, i actually think I am going to have a great day :)

OP posts:
Original poster
cantbreatheimisshim · 12/12/2016 06:41

You people, you know what I really can't understand??? Why did it hit me NOW? After more than 3 weeks?

OP posts:
Aderyn2016 · 12/12/2016 08:01

I think it is shock. When something awful happens, your mind tries to protect you by blocking the impact. When you are strong enough, it lets you feel more. Which is why you have the time delay.
I have experienced it too - my head wouldn't let me process trauma immediately and then when it did, I was horrified that I had not reacted more strongly, earlier. I think it is normal though.

My sister is going through this too. Her dp left her last week - sis is now cancelling their wedding. It is awful to watch.

I honestly believe that there isn't just one person out there for you. Otherwise the chsnces of meeting them would be close to zero. There are thousands of people with whom you you could be happy.

Remember too, that your ex has had longer than you to process all this because he knew what was coming and had been mulling it over for some time. He had already checked out before you knew anything, so it is not surprising that this is now hitting you like a ton of bricks. Just remember that everything you feel is normal and that feeling better is a process and you cannot rush it, but it will get better

Original poster
cantbreatheimisshim · 12/12/2016 10:34

@aderyn2016- You have no idea how much good you've done with your message. Honestly. Thanks for it, made me realise some things, I must say I 100% agree.

I am so sorry for your sister, I know what she's going through, send my love to her and tell her she's not alone.

Lots of love, aderyn, thanks

OP posts:
Aderyn2016 · 12/12/2016 14:04

Take care and remember that there is always someone here to talk to, if you need us x

Original poster
cantbreatheimisshim · 12/12/2016 14:39

Aderyin2016, can i private message you? If so, how?

OP posts:
Aderyn2016 · 12/12/2016 19:38

Sorry for late reply. Have been with my sister for most of today. Of course you csn PM me. If you click the 3 dots at the bottom of my post it will give you the option to PM Smile

Amelia91 · 13/12/2016 06:19

Aderyn2016- will have to find a way to see how i log in from my laptop, don't have that option from my phone. Will definitely PM you thanks!!!!

Amelia91 · 13/12/2016 06:20

Changed back to my usual username. I didn't want to out me, now I just don't care if someone recognises me

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