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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How much does your partner drink?

33 replies

thewinterqueen · 11/12/2016 19:55

Another problematic male thread, I'm afraid.

I've started dating again after my last fiasco, and met someone. Problem is, he drinks...a lot. Whenever we meet, he insists on drinking until he gets drunk. The evening begins nicely, with a meal or drink at the pub, but it quickly ends with him drunk and dancing to loud music in his living room. It was kind of amusing the first few times, but I'm starting to struggle. Im not a huge drinker. In fact, I rarely touch the stuff, but I find myself drinking to keep up with him. It's also come to my attention that he suffers from bipolar, which isn't an issue at all, but I worry about the effects of him mixing alcohol and antipsychotics. I suffer borderline personality disorder myself, hence why I rarely touch alcohol at all. He will easily drink 2-4 bottles of wine a night and then pass out in bed. Am I right to be concerned? It's still early days and I have mentioned my concerns to him, but he claims 'it won't always be like this.' I'm not into alcohol at all. I'd much rather relax at home with a cuppa and watch tv, but he likes to party.

Annoyingly, he's actually a lovely guy when he's not drunk, but he comes out with odd stuff when he's drunk. He rants about bad ex girlfriends and says really grandiose things like - 'I'm going to be a famous actor one day, and I'll accept an oscar and tell everyone to f* off.' Its odd. I don't understand it at all. He also isn't an actor. He's never acted in his life, although I am a part time actress. It's all rather strange isn't it? I don't know enough about bipolar to know if this is normal or not...

OP posts:

tribpot · 11/12/2016 19:59

That's way, way, WAY too much.

And this early in a relationship when he's meant to be on best behaviour?

He's showing you who he is - like the MN phrase has it. Look. And listen.

BumDNC · 11/12/2016 19:59

RUN AWAY

it's not just the bipolar he sounds a mess... that isn't binge drinking it's reckless boozing, I would throw up drinking more than one bottle of wine and I think I am a pretty sturdy girl! My BF drinks some beer or some cocktails with me, we might get a bit squiffy and silly if we go out but no passing out or puking, it would be so unattractive and a huge turn off.

He's got a lot of problems and sounds unstable. Run

dovesong · 11/12/2016 20:01

Yep, he's showing you who he is. This won't change. Sounds like the two of you are incompatible and like he has some problems.

Naicehamshop · 11/12/2016 20:03

Run for the hills!!

MinesAGin · 11/12/2016 20:04

You need to be with someone who's as sensible and healthy as you are, OP. He might be good company at times, but at other times he really isn't. You're not in too deep, so better to end it now.

Laiste · 11/12/2016 20:09

I have mentioned my concerns to him, but he claims 'it won't always be like this.'

Yes it will. This is how it will stay.

LellyMcKelly · 11/12/2016 20:58

2-4 bottles a night? That is way, way, way too much. It's almost impressive. If he has the tolerance to alcohol that means he can do that he's got a problem. If he's like that at the beginning of a relationship he's only going to get worse in the future.

Thefutureisbright2017 · 11/12/2016 21:11

Sounds hypomanic already. (Look it up) Run fi6r the hills, you owe him nothing

Original poster

thewinterqueen · 11/12/2016 21:33

Thanks for the advice girls. Is this normal behaviour for bipolar?

OP posts:

idontlikealdi · 11/12/2016 21:35

Christ 2-4 bottles a night? That is seriously dangerous drinking levels and I'd be running for the hills, bipolar or not.

PaperdollCartoon · 11/12/2016 21:42

Another for run away. I'm Borderline too but used to have a Bipolar diagnosis, i have some crossover with both. I'm also a pretty big drinker (something I'm working on) so I've got some insight here.

This won't change, or if he gets help it will be a long road out. Alcohol isn't good for most Bipolars as can badly affect moods, both at the time and the next day's. If he's drinking like this a lot it won't help him, and could interact with medication. Bipolars are prone to addictive behaviours which doesn't help, it can be a cycle. If you're not a big drinker and he's like this all the time that will also certainly lead to conflict. My partner doesn't drink as much as me which has caused some trouble (mostly due to hangovers, I'm actually a very pleasant easy going drunk, unlike your boyfriend) but the fact he is very stable minded makes it easier.

Grandiose claims like this are a symptom of hypomania, although he may be relatively well right now. This doesn't sound like a relationship that will be healthy for you, although I know being with someone with their own mental illness can feel conforting because they understand, in reality it means you end up trying to care for someone else who is ill when you are ill and that can be really detrimental. Get out now before it gets more serious.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2016 21:45

He is an alcoholic who also has a myriad of issues and red flags about him to boot. All this trash talk re ex's is a huge red flag that in itself should have you running for the hills let alone his drink problem.

The 3cs re alcoholism are again prescient here:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

You cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship; he will drag you down with him and infact he is already doing that. You need to leave him before you become even more over invested and hurt at his hands.

I would work on you further and urgently raise your own off and skewed boundaries re men (you also mention dating again after your last fiasco). This is again a fiasco of a relationship. His primary relationship is with drink, not with you. Enrolling on Womens Aid Freedom Programme will help you also re going forward.

SleepingTiger · 11/12/2016 22:03

Its time to call Last Orders on this one.

baconandeggies · 11/12/2016 22:06

Pffft. He'll be dead within a decade if he carries on like that. It's not normal and he's an alcoholic - bipolar is no excuse.

reindeerbitesback · 11/12/2016 22:19

That amount of alcohol is unacceptable. He won't change, especially if he doesn't see it as a problem.

My brother is an alcoholic and would do what your partner is doing when he's going through a rough patch.

My OH drinks every day (I do not) unless he is home alone with the DC. He goes for a quick drink some days after work, and/or will have one in the evening while watching TV. Never more than two on a weeknight.

Original poster

thewinterqueen · 11/12/2016 22:31

He drinks a lot and then goes manic. He's such a lovely guy when he's not boozing too. It's such a shame.

OP posts:

RD82 · 12/12/2016 07:29

This relationship has 'toxic' written all over it. This man will not give you sustained contentment or anything like an easy life. Get out while you still can.

corythatwas · 12/12/2016 08:37

a) he is drinking enough to kill himself

b) is it a good idea to tie your financial future to someone who pisses this much money up against the wall

c) even if the above did not apply, and even if he drank far less than he does, you have the right to decide what you think is a pleasant way to spend your life. And if that is not watching your partner getting drunk, then, quite regardless of what other people think, you have the right to say so. Because this is your life; if something upsets you now, it can only get worse and worse.

RedMapleLeaf · 12/12/2016 12:04

I'm struck by how often you refer to how lovely it would be if he didn't have the bad bits.

Original poster

thewinterqueen · 12/12/2016 12:46

Sounds like I definintely need to call time on this one! I've read a lot on hypermania and it fits his behaviour perfectly. God, I do know how to attract them!

OP posts:

Isetan · 12/12/2016 16:24

It's not the attraction of this type that concerns me, it's you 'trying to match his drinking' (thus impacting your MH) and your reasoning for not calling time sooner that's the concern.

Thankfully this man was showing you who he is, pretty early on.

Belleblush · 12/12/2016 21:03

He's alcoholic. He's using alcohol to mask or numb something else. I'm in a similar relationship and it's difficult. He can be the nicest fella in the world but absolutely vile when drinking. Not telling you to dump him but this won't be an easy relationship x

NarcsBegone · 12/12/2016 21:15

Sounds just like my exbf! He was never diagnosed with anything other than anxiety but probably should have been. He drank 3-4 bottles of wine a night and was incredibly eccentric with his ways and dress etc. He would make these insane statements and would often try to blame me for his strops, issues etc... he once told me (totally out of the blue) that if he said horrible things to me then it was only because he was jealous that I had a sex life before my marriage and that he hadn't although we got married at around the same age and for similar years. When he was 'sober' and before he got really into drinking he was loving and funny but still had this air of a spoilt child. He started to try and hide his drinking and in the end I just couldn't cope with his wheedling lies, his tantrums (they really were) and his selfishness. I spent 3 years on and off trying to help him, being patient and supportive but realised eventually that he would never change. I ended it as it was just taking over my life and was never going anywhere.
It really sounds like there needs to be a line drawn and he either gets help or you're out of there. My ex is still 2years on adamant that he's changed and only behaves as he does because he misses me , he hasn't and unfortunately he probably never will which is sad because under all that crap he is a nice guy just very self obsessed. I hope you don't waste years trying to deal with this, only he can make the steps to help himself.

PaulDacresConscience · 12/12/2016 22:20

To answer your question: On an average week he drinks nothing. He maybe goes out once or twice a year, might come home a bit tipsy. Occasional times we've gone for dinner and he's fancied a drink so I have taken the keys - he's always just had the one. Both of us enjoy a drink but neither of us are big drinkers and we often go for weeks and weeks without any alcohol.

If this is the starting point of your relationship then run away fast. As in your arse is on fire and your heels are catching!

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 12/12/2016 22:25

Dump him. He's an alcoholic.

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