What to expect after ending an emotionally abuse relationship

[DancingGoose]

i've just come out of an EA relationship with my boyfriend. It was only a short relationship but pretty intense. I've known for a few weeks things weren't right and his behaviours/reactions were OTT and crazy making. He blames everything on me and twists things like you wouldn't believe. I have tried to keep the peace whilst sticking up for myself, but he escalated a good bit last week. He ended the relationship as a punishment (he admitted this) and I called his bluff and have stuck to it.

It's given him a shock - especially as I've blocked him on everything - but we work together so I have already bumped into him/he's turned up at my desk/calls my landline which i can't block him on (but I can ignore). It's exhausting.

We have spoken a couple of times - he is currently pleading forgiveness and says he'll change. He seems to think i'm doing it as a punishment and it will end soon. I don't for a second believe he will change but i'm already struggling because annoyingly part of me hasn't fully let go yet either. I know he can sense that and I'm scared he will use it to hurt me more.

I feel really anxious and I'm wondering if there's a pattern abusers follow after a split which i can use to prepare myself. At the moment he's being 'nice' with lots of begging. Should I expect him to get nasty soon or possibly take up with other women at work? I'm trying so hard to protect myself but I feel so exposed and vulnerable in this

Well done you. Well shot. Yes it's pattern and they try and condition you into it. Stay strong as this is a lesson well learnt and a bullet well dodged. Don't cave. Big hug xxx

Thanks. I know it's the right thing to do but I'm struggling with the fear of what's to come right now. Not that he knows that, thank god.

I don't know if I'm more scared of Mr Nice Guy or Mr Nasty Guy or the moment he leave me alone I feel a mess.

The fact that he can make you feel like that is a massive red flag. Leave well alone, believe me. I was with an abusive narc and his behaviour is a conditioning one. Don't engage with him on any level unless you have to for work purposes.

Stay away. It's taken me many years to realise that dh is EA. A lot harder now as we have kids (not that I would change that) but please leave well alone and consider yourself lucky.

Well done on getting out. I was in an EA marriage - we have DC so there can be no total breakaway which hopefully you will be able to do.
As you already anticipate the Mr Nice Kind Begging Guy won't last and I suspect he will turn nasty, lots of blame, anger and then possibly parading other women in front of you. That's what I've had anyway. I still have nice texts followed by abuse, back to nice - it's quite mind-blowing but does get easier to cope with. Hopefully though you will be able to close th door firmly though. Good Luck!

Can you speak to your line manager or HR about his unprofessional behaviour towards you? I think to bring it up now whilst it's just annoying would be wise before Mr Nasty turns up.

If it continues I'll speak to HR. I don't think it will though as a manager asked him why he was on my floor last week (there's no reason for him to be) and I could see it put the wind up him. He hasn't been up since.

It's strange, because although I theoretically have the 'power' now having ended it and blocked him, I still feel like he does and I am wait for his next move. It's a horrible feeling.

Dont let him get his foot back in the door.
As jeaux90 says it is conditioning and a pattern, work on moving on, you let him back more damage will be inflicted and it takes a lot of undoing.
Run for the hills with your pride and self worth in tact.

Stalking, Harrasing family trying to convince them it's all you/pretending to be concerned about your unstability in a manipulative way. Or dropping gifts or money and passing messages.
Rumours and lies your a cheat, you really hurt him, and are aggressive or irrational.
They're hurt/ill/suicidal and only you can help as of course it's all your fault.

Anything they can think of to reel you back in to the toxic cycle. It's best to go completely no contact and just call the police, if he turns up, as there is no nice way (I tried) as they see it as a way back into your life.

As per the website baggage reclaim that they call the "Florence nightingale" it's not your job to nurse him through the break up, you don't owe him anything, he's had enough of your time and mental energy, during a break up it's time to concentrate and love and heal yourself.

Good luck took me a year and 8 months then another year just enjoying the peace and untangling my brain of his shite and working out how the he'll I got into it in the first place, to ensure it never happens again! lol I'm just starting to date again but taking it nice and easy

At the moment he is doing the hoovering bit. Trying to be lovely so you will forgive and he can get back to normal. if you fail to respond he will start getting nasty. That could go on for a long time and will take lots of different forms. Best you can do is ignore.

Stay away. I got reeled back in in the early days. 23 years I stayed. I have amxiety, depression and ptsd.

Please make your supervisor or hr aware at work as soon as you can.
Log all contact from him, and do not respond...not even to tell him to leave you alone, he will just see that as a win, as it's a response. If he continues, after three unwanted contacts you can log with police as harassment, this is important if you ever do need to go a formal route as men like him don't give up abusing their victims easily.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this at work too. He has done a number on you already as you are second guessing yourself and anticipating / fearing his next move.
You must stay away and detox from this man, he is really bad news and your body and instincts are telling you that. Listen to your gut.

It's bizarre because in one way I can feel myself still wanting him, still hoping things will work out, that he will see the error of his ways... Is this codependency speaking? Yet I know from everything I've read and generally from his behaviour so far that this won't happen! How long does it take for this stage to pass?

He's not in work today, thank god.

You know it is abusive and you know it is not good for you.
Take time out for you to work out how you got into this and why you are attracted to him/the pattern/the drama
It will get easier but you need to be pro-active and you need to care about yourself more than him.