Three's a crowd

[cooldarkroom]

I am trying to sort out my feelings about a situation, & was hoping for some opinions. I have recently returned from a 5 day break with 2 of my oldest girlfriends, it was a celebration, time for the oldest friends from school to reunite & have a fun once in a lifetime trip with all 3 of us managing to get away from home, animals, kids, OHs & having to find the money. We started planning at the beginning of the year.
We were the closest of friends & have been through all the ups & downs imaginable, stealing boyfriends, unhappy partnerships, cheating husbands, work & home problems.
we are all Godmothers more or less to one of each other's kids.

So, we are sitting waiting to order desert after a long exhausting day walking & doing the sights, GF1 asks me if I have any photos of my kids, so yes I have a few, & pulled out my phone & whipped through 3 or 4.
GF1 is the one I see rarely, maybe once a year. sometimes not at all for several years, GF2 however I see regularly & I went to stay with her in November for a week.
After a few minutes I looked up & asked if GF2 wanted desert... She went ballistic, apparently we were ignoring her & she accused me (primarily) of excluding her, she said she could have got up & left & we wouldn't have noticed. a tirade of vicious reproach & literally thumping the table..
I tried in vain to reason with her that she knows my kids, sees them regularly & the photos are nothing new to her.. She said I had done the same thing the day before (I had sent text to my DD with photo of view from our apartment, & showed the reply to GF1, as she was next to me when it was going on...)
GF1 & I were frankly stunned by this outburst, She talked over my every attempt to explain to her.
Finally To shut down her anger I said that we were of an age (near retirement FFS) where we could be tolerant & not have a hissy fit. This was Followed by a shocked silence, I then desperately changed the subject. (GF1 speechless) The atmosphere was terrible & remained terrible for the following few days.
GF1 & I are gutted, & while the obvious action would be grow up & move on, we are far from "over it".
GF2 did apologise to me later the same evening, . & said she was tired & emotional. I replied I hadn't deliberately excluded her. However when she apologised to GF1 said that she had "meant it"
For the rest of the trip we made sure she never sat on the "odd" side of a square table, she was always in the middle if on a bench, if there was a photo shown we showed her. Frankly GF1 & I walked on tiptoes around her.
The irony was not lost on me when she was showing photos of her animals & son to GF1 at the airport on the way home ! Deliberate ? who knows. Did I spit the Dummy ? When we all parted GF2 kept radio silence in spite of me texting to see if she got safely to her next destination....
Something is broken. Should I write to her & make complacent apologies & explain, ask why she feels jealous ? (after all it was she who stole my boyfriend !) or wait & see if she contacts me & what she says ?

What now ???

I'd contact her and ask if there was something bothering her that led to the outburst that she would like to talk about or if not you'd consider the whole thing forgotten (if you can do that). Sounds like she's stressed. If she's a good friend I'd attempt to sort it out then let it go

Have you just namechanged?!

I'd try to get to the bottom of it in that case and if she won't talk about it then just ignore it, but if she gets angry about it again at a later stage make it clear that she has had the chance to talk about it and getting angry isn't appropriate - she needs to talk about it rationally or let it go.

She was/is one of my best friends for the last 45 yrs !

I'd have been in shock too. I'm very conflict avoidanmy ( although some say I fail to challenge) and would probably just keep my distance from her and reduce /stop contact.

The other option is to call her/meet up and tell her how shocked and upset you were with her behaviour and how it made you and GF1 tiptoe round her after that, pretty much ruining the trip for you.

And as such ... you're reluctant to go on any other trip like that with her.

Of course, she may say she's already apologised and she was tired /emotional.

Perhaps she has other things going on that tipped her over the edge, but her behaviour was unacceptable.

I think the ball's in her court, now. You have sent her messages (why send more than one? She was enjoying that) and she hasn't returned them. Now it's her turn to get in touch.

Life's too short to let this kind of thing take over.

Personally I would just consider the friendship over and wouldn't contact her again.

I know she has had problems recently, I have been very attentive in trying to support her. She also had some knee pain & we had walked all day...... However I can't see the connection between that & her toxic attack.
She could simply have said, "can I see ?"

I only sent one message to both saying I was home & hope they were were too, I know she replied to GF1 !
wannabe, You are right, life's too short.

You're not responsible for her and her issues though, and you shouldn't be treading on eggshells because of the perception that she might be going through a hard time.

Honestly with friends like that who needs enemies. Sometimes friendships end. It's sad when it happens but it's just life.

I couldn't be doing with people that have these kinds of outbursts. Their issues are their's not mine.

My DP had a friend a bit like this. Known her for years, she split up with her BF of around nine months so not a LTR, and expected the world to stand still for her. DP hadn't been in touch with her for a few weeks and she sent him a message berating him for his lack of caring for her, for the fact that he's not been in touch, even though I'd spoken to her and been out for lunch and paid, (she never bloody paid for anything,) apparently it didn't matter that I'd been there for her, it was his support she wanted.

Turns out she has form for this and has lost multiple friends this way. Including DP who told her to do one and hasn't spoken to her since - this was about two years ago.

If someone has a genuine problem I will resolve it where possible, but all these toddler-style tantrums from supposedly adult women.... Err no. Grow up and in the meantime find someone else to tolerate your crap. .

You're well rid OP.

It's sounds as if a) there may be something major going on in her life that she's not telling you or b) she's very insecure and couldn't cope the threesome, tho she's fine with you one on one.

First thing, I teach at a High School and groups of 3 girls never work out, whether they are 11 or 18. One always feels left out.
Secondly, my DD was in a group of three close friends, and it caused endless problems, again one always felt left out. Not the same one, but there would be a closeness, a perceived closeness between two of the three that made the third feel left out.

Although you are all mature adults, do you think this happened here? The friend who behaved badly is the one you see more frequently, so she may have felt a bit jealous that you were sharing photos with friend 1. This sounds daft, that a grown woman would act like a stroppy 13 year old, but she did. It wasn't about the photos, it was about the group dynamic.

I recently had an evening out with two friends, both of which I feel equally close to on a 1-1 basis. The dynamics of being in a three on that occasion meant that I felt like a spare part. They clicked and I just felt a bit excluded. I made my excuses and left early. We're all fine.

I imagine your friend feels a bit of a prat for ruining a much anticipated break, and I think jealousy at feeling the third wheel sparked her daft outburst.

You've reached out, so do no more, the ball is in her court. If your friendship means anything to her, she'll respond, after she's reflected. If she doesn't she's not worth worrying about.

Cary, I agree, even as I left home I considered the fact that we were 3, but Jeez, we are retirement age.......Yes, she has had a lot of stress, work nightmare, move, decease. (YES YES, I know.) however... you do not bite the hand that feeds you,. (figuratively speaking)
GF1, is also flummoxed. we are hurt.

as GF1 remarked, they shared a big double bed in this rental accommodation, I was in another room on the sofa ! (who was left out?).. it really simply was unjustified.

I know, I get it, it's totally daft. She probably feels ashamed of herself for throwing her dummy out.
Let the dust settle, and don't worry about it, she knows she's overstepped the mark, hence her radio silence.

I am waiting for a bill for something DF2 had prebooked, she will be obliged to contact me at some time.
She replied to my text. It could read two ways, so am trying not to decrypt a potentially harmless 4 lines, on the other hand at first glance it was thoughtless, & possibly deliberately PA.......

cocked up the username again...

I'd just leave it if I were you. She might have been in pain from her knee and oversensitive for some reason. Leave it a few months and then get in touch. I think old friends can be a bit generous with each other when one person behaves badly, so I wouldn't rush to end the friendship. On the other hand, a little time apart might be a good thing.