Unhappy with life. How to approach DP?

[Advicesought]

Several years ago DP and I decided to leave our home city and move to a rural location. The drivers for this were apathy towards our jobs and wanting to enjoy the outdoors. In terms of recreation it has been brilliant. When relatives and friends visit they are awestruck by the views from our house and all the great stuff we have on our door step.

However, we bought a house a few years back and since day one it has been a nightmare. There were numerous unexpected maintenance problems that cost £'s to rectify. Following on from that we have been victim to low level anti social behaviour from our neighbours. I've a history of mental health problems around stress and anxiety and these reared their ugly head again with all the problems we had. Our first Christmas in the house was a disaster. DP has been hugely supportive throughout. I received CBT which helped. I've kept myself busy this year and things have been more positive. However the anxiety lurks and I suspect it is now affecting my physical health.

The problem I have is that I have a burning resentment for all that has happened. I have tried desperately to like the house but I cannot and have thrown in the towel in terms of it feeling like a home. I'm also regretting the move to a rural area - it is very unfriendly, lacks diversity etc (admit I should have realised these things earlier). It just all adds to the resentment and bitterness. The city I am from has its problems but it is friendly so this new environment is alien to me. I've been using the dark nights to think things through, yesterday I witnessed more low level anti social behaviour from our neighbour, that was the final straw. I didn't tell DP as it is best ignored now.

I intend to tell DP how I feel but not until the new year as I do not want to spoil Xmas. I do not know what to do beyond this as selling up will lose us an eye watering sum of money. I doubt we'd be able to buy again. I'd be happy to rent but DP and family are against it and lobbied hard for us to buy in the first place, I was always apprehensive due to anxiety. The in laws have largely brushed off our problems and seem to think money can just be chucked at problems. We have modest incomes and a modest house. Everyone else in the family is well off and they seem to think this is how life is for all.

Sorry for the long post just needed to write this down. Grateful for any advice.

Hi OP,

With regards to you neighbours, can you not record their low-level antisocial behaviour? Can you set up a surveillance camera & record it, then take it to the police?

As with the rest of your post, I'm watching with interest. I too hate my house. I've lived here for 25yrs, & when I voice my feelings I get shouted down & told "do I know how fucking privelged I am"? Maybe I am being ungrateful. I don't work, my pensions' pushed back another 6yrs. I'm totally reliant on husband to live. I can't get a job. Nobody wants to employ someone nearly 60.

Thanks Yoksha, appreciate your response.

The ASB started not long after we moved in. Reluctantly we complained through formal channels as at that point was determined not to be forced out. It calmed down for a while but it still crops up from time to time. Complaints need to be declared on sale of house so I'm just ignoring now. Its just another dimension to the resentment I feel really.

The issue is you are not living in the correct house. I have been in your shoes and best to stop spending your money ASAP.

Talk to your dh and tell him in order to feel positive about the future you want to make an exit plan.

If he values your happiness then he will help you

Ignoring the in-laws, who don't get a vote on the matter of whether or not you rent, could you rent this house out and move to somewhere less rural?

For what it's worth, my parents moved into what they thought would be their 'forever home' out in the countryside, downsizing after we all left home. They lasted less than ten years. The local farmer was a complete arse, and everyone was too scared to go up against him. Most of the other locals were nice but my mum hated being stuck out there all the time, everything was a drive away.

They then moved to semi-rural, a small village on the outskirts of a city. They like that far more - frequent buses into town, local shops, etc. However, they are now contemplating a move back into the city because they've realised the house isn't very accessible (given my DH is in a wheelchair and so hardly ever visits as there's a massive step to get in, I'm not sure why they've only just realised this!) and that they might be better in 'proper' old age (my mum is nearly 70) to be in the city, in an apartment with a lift and lots of facilities on the doorstep.

If you don't tell your DP about the anti-social behaviour and how you're feeling, he can't take this into account when you're discussing your next steps. It's not your job to stay silent, be honest about how you feel. It needn't spoil Christmas - you're not suggesting packing up on boxing day and getting the hell out. Just putting down a marker that next year you both need to make a change.

definitely agree you need to jointly create a plan, based on

• timescales when you can move
• location options where you'd both be happy to live
• finance plan, broken down into years so you can see how things will pan out according to future target earnings and outgoing so to get you to your new perfect house

I'd think carefully about how you bring the subject up with your DP so he knows you won't get to the new place and decide youve changed your mind and don't like it anymore. If you both create and agree an outline plan, stick to it, you'll have something great to work towards together.

Maybe it's something to bring up in the early New Year as that's normally the time people are generally in the mindset for making changes. So your DP may be more likely to take well to your suggestion.

When something isn't working you need to change it.

Get through Christmas then broach the subject. Don't fear change or worry about how you will afford to move. Things have a miraculous way of sorting themselves.

Best of luck.

With regards the complaints when selling, it's only if it has led to actual charges/legal action-logging asb won't have to be declared.