How important is DH social nature?

[HonestyWantsCompany]

As in, how important is it that your DH is sociable, friendly, has friends etc?

DP is becoming increasingly hard work in social situations. Granted he's never set the world on fire but lately I think it's getting to the point where people really struggle to make chat with him and he just leaves me to fill in the silences etc but it's starting to grate on me.

As an example, last weekend we were at a birthday party for his friend and he just made zero effort to mingle or speak to anyone else there. We didn't know many people there and I don't really know his friend that well but ended up making all the conversation and getting to know some of the other guests while he just sat there and said pretty much nothing.

I don't mind if he is quiet but at times I think it comes across as rude and feel that people find him awkward and just wondering if maybe this is going to become an increasing issue between us

I used to have a DP like this. A nice person but incredibly shy in social situations. It was very difficult at times and I did feel embarrassed about it when he wouldn't speak to my friends. We are no longer together, not because of this, but perhaps it would have helped us out if he was a bit more gregarious with people I knew rather than just the select people he had known since he was a child.

Have you spoken to him about it? My ex DP was actually very aware of his social failings and admitted he had no idea how to speak to people and mingle with strangers. It was a very strange affliction, he literally had nothing to say and it felt very awkward. I did feel like I was having to carry the whole night on my own.

For me its very important. I'm very sociable and go to lots of events both personally and for work and I would not want to have a partner who could not manage socially. I understand for some people this isn't important, but for me it definitely is. I've trained my children to deal appropriately with handing out drinks, making conversation and how to 'work' a room, I consider these to be vital skills.

Being with people who are quiet is fine, but being with people who have no conversation in social situations is extremely wearing. You end up doing all the heavy lifting and sometimes I've found myself wishing they'd stayed at home.

I've got some amazing friends who are shy and struggle to chat socially. it doesn't matter though , as they are lovely people. It may take longer to get to know them, but they're worth it

Crazy that's the situation I'm in, DP is also quite aware of his problems making conversation etc and I've suggested he could maybe seek life coaching or some form of confidence counselling as it really is quite bad and as another pp has mentioned, the actual of conversation and being able to talk to people in social situations is quite an important life skill - I try my best to keep the conversation going and to encourage him to participate by lining up conversation starters but it's getting me nowhere.

I don't want to make him feel bad in himself but I also don't want to feel resentful that he just leaves me to do all the work on nights out and I have noticed it's a problem that's worsening but i don't know what to do really

The problem with men like this is that after a while it becomes difficult and depressing to socialise with them much and easier to go out on your own. This is fine up to a point but after a while you can end up leading pretty separate lives. I've been there. He needs to work on this now - he may never be the life and soul of the party but sitting there like a wet Wednesday while you do all the work is not on.

And of course, going into the situation knowing that the OP is judging his performance wont exactly be helping either I guess.

He needs some counselling and perhaps something like CBT if this is an important thing if a relationship hinges on social gregariousness.

I don't mean to 'judge' his performance - it's something he openly admits and wishes he was better at, I offer support and try to help where I can but it does take its toll and I find it quite upsetting that I can't really do anything to help him but equally I get frustrated at having to always carry the conversation.

I guess it's just something I either find a way to live with or end the relationship - I just hoped there may be others who have experienced similar who can offer some help or positive stories about how to deal with this when I can see it affects DPs confidence but I can't really do anything other than carry the conversation for him and feel a bit frustrated by the fact

You are missing a few things in your post OP

What is his age, physical health, family background, do you have children, what is his work, how is his work going, etc?

There is no background on him??

For example;

Is he the 5th Duke of Devonshire?
Has he hearing problems (the loneliest people I believe)?
Has he work problems that are making him withdrawn?

I would second getting hearing checked - even a mild issue can make it much harder to keep up with a conversation, understand jokes/punchlines etc.

Thing is, he knows what you are feeling OP so he wont be in a good place at the very start of an event and it is very easy to go down hill even from there.

I wonder if group therapy, when you are not there, might help. Even something totally out of left field might help like some of the stuff that the Speakers Trust does. It sounds frightening at first but they really can help and know people start from a very limited place. Does he have a hobby that can result in him meeting other people occasionally to build up confidence.

Scottish I hear what you're saying. Last weekend I just kept all the plans relaxed for the evening - he seemed like he was looking forward to his friends party, I said why don't we grab a bite to eat first, we had a nice meal and a few drinks, I sensed he felt relaxed and we joined the party, initially he seemed fine, we were chatting and being introduced to other guests (it wasn't a huge party) then when the mingling and chat started he was very withdrawn and uptight (body language etc) and the same pattern ensued - people starting a conversation with him, getting nowhere and looking to me to pick up. He's almost mute at times. I didn't say anything and just tried to be subtle in my attempts to keep conversation going but even his friend was struggling with him. The following day I didn't say anything - I don't go on about it and leave it to him if he wants to talk about how he's felt etc - but I find it makes me increasingly anxious etc and I wonder if he needs to speak to a GP about getting some help.

thanks for the suggestion re the hearing test - I hadn't thought of that and he does work in a engineering plant so is exposed to loud machines all day at work.

Sleeping he's early 30s, physically fit, no health issues, good employment, no DCs (sorry not sure what else might be useful info for you to know)

Honesty, my husband is the exact same. He's lovely but incredibly shy and struggles in social situations. It really bothers him.

It sounds silly but sometimes I'll do little prep sessions with him that he finds work for him. Like, if we're going to a party and I know Colin will be there I'll say "don't forget to ask Colin how the new baby is" and then DH will elaborate on what else he could ask to keep the conversation going.

I'm not explaining this well and it's not as orchestrated as I've written it but it's just a mini warm-up for him and just gives him a few tips so he's not as uncomfortable.

My family are very social and there's often large gatherings. DH struggles with this and my family know (and love him) so don't bat an eyelid if he disappears for ten mins for some quiet time before coming back to the group.

I hate this conception of the shy and/or introverted person needing to be "fixed" to meet the outgoing extroverts idea of normal.

Why don't we change you to be more like him op?

Poor bloke.

It's slightly different Jenny when the person themselves struggle with their shyness and ask for help to improve and you're trying to do so without making them feel worse or doing the wrong thing.

I'm not some pushy partner trying to just 'change' someone who is perfectly happy as they are, I'm trying to be a supportive partner who is feeling the pressure of helping someone with something they themselves wish to change but not knowing what's for the best and not wanting to make the situation worse or make him feel even more uncomfortable.

In that case it might be wise to say you cannot help him. He has to find a way to help himself.

It's all very well being a kind and supportive partner, but you just aren't able to coach him into gregariousness. He either stops trying and accepts he is the shy one. Or he gets some kind of therapy or coaching or something.

Very unfair to keep batting it back to you when it's clear it isn't working and is making you unhappy too.

What I am trying to say is you aren't a social psychologist ( or whatever the term is) YOU can't make this right.

In all honesty, in a situation where someone needs to take a good look a at themselves and how they interact, a spouse is probably the WORST person to be leading the process. They are just too close. It needs an objective outsider to lead the changes.

Thanks Mother I appreciate your comments.

I'm on placement next year for several weeks and I'm hoping he'll seek some help and maybe learn to find ways to adapt when I'm away

Hmm. My DH is quiet and self effacing and when we met struggled to work a room with small talk. I think it's notable that I'm pretty sure his late FIL was high functioning ASD and his mother a bit quaint. Working class, intelligent, educated but never managed to shift the chip about "people like us" and certainly never dinned into her dc standing up straight, shaking hands, smiling and nattering about the weather, the news, the journey there etc.

DH has a brain the size of a planet and a professional reputation to match so people seek him out. He also has some keen interests to bore the right people with: opera, ski-ing, football, racing, constitutional history, etc. I do the room working at parties, the bright greeting, the tinkly "I must share you with my other guests" when some poor sod is being bored rigid about The Ring or the going at Cheltenham". However, most people know he's a kind, decent, moral sort of chap, revered at what he does, and generally let him get on with it. With v close friends he's fine. I think it's largely where nurture impacted a man who isn't naturally a chatty man or bumptious.