My fucking mother

[Hatboxharry]

My fucking mother, who I cut off about 10yrs ago for very very good reasons, continues to persist in trying to replace me with my own dd's. My younger dd is not interested & has her blocked on all social media. My oldest (19) is curious and may well accept a FB friend request and there is nothing I can do about it. It is enormously painful to me that my 'd'm continues to pry into our lives. My oldest dd knows the story of my life and why I went nc but I think it's only a matter of time before the two of them are in proper contact and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I have told my dd it is her decision. It kills me though, the thought that that woman can potentially use my own dd to replace me and carry on with her life. This woman abandoned me as a young child to a paedophile father who beat me unconscious and starved me as well as the rest. She then continued to behave abominably through my adult life until I cut her off completely. I cut her off to protect my children. Now there is nothing else I can do, if my dd decides out of curiosity to rekindle their relationship I just have to swallow it. How am I supposed to cope?

Hugs OP.

Does your DD know what your mother did?

Does your dd know what she did?

Yes she does.

Hatboxharry there's a lot of us about, have you check out the www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2749701-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families?pg=23
thread. I've found it enlightening, if a lot to process, as they say.
No really wise advice but best wishes.

Tell your DD what your mother did and what she allowed to happen to you.

not sure how you're all missing it, but it says in my first post dd knows everything

Not sure what you can do but didn't want to read and run. Teenagers struggle to process things of such enormity like adults do so she will probably feel very detached from that if your Mother is nice with her. Just let DD know that you don't want your mother around you and that you are there for her if and when she realises

You've just written my fears for 10 yrs time!
How awful for you. Have you considered writing your fears in a letter to your children? Perhaps a letter will allow you the space and time to articulate everything. A letter can be reread and sometimes understood better. It's really important they understand you have tried to protect them not just from her but by going no contact you have tried to preserve your own sanity. They owe you loyalty for that at least. Curiosity is not really a valid reason in the face of the level of anxiety or sense of betrayal it will invoke in you. They need to know that it seems treacherous.

I personally don't believe grandparents have any rights when they have treated their own children so badly. Grandchildren are a gift for being decent parents.
Good luck!

I'm so sorry for the appalling childhood you had.

I think that if your daughter knows everything, all you can do now is trust her. Hopefully she knows by now that people can be very two faced. It's worth sitting down with her and talking to her (or yes, a letter), and making it very very clear that she has to protect herself and weigh her grandmother's words up, knowing what she knows.

It must be incredibly hard to have a sinking feeling that she might 'steal' your daughter. I think that it's ok to speak your fears to her, that you are afraid that your mother will try to replace you. I think that actually, it's very wise to warn her that this might happen. But your daughter knows you, loves you and I think that you have to trust that that will see you through.