How did you know it was finally over?

[Kevintheminion]

Just that really. DH and I have been struggling for over a year now. DH wants it to work and I'm no longer sure. We tried counselling (c.8 sessiions) but I couldn't encourage DH to return after holiday. We barely talk, just like housemates but we are parents to our two small children who are my reason for trying to stay together. I'm stuck and desperately unhappy.

Oh God. So sorry. In reality it was over long before we called it a day if that makes sense? Even now I can't pin point when the rot set.

I finally accepted it was over after my husband had spent 3 weeks moping around as I wouldn't give in to certain sexual demands (again) followed by his dodgy credit card bill which arrived on a Saturday. When I told him I had enough of the lies, he simply got up and went to work (despite it being his day off) and didn't come back.

I then knew it was finally over when on the monday morning he didn't call to wake me up for work. Stupid I know but I am a terrible morning person and even when he was in Afghan he would always phone to make sure I got up ok.

Sorry you're going through this. I've just separated last weekend. Still living together, own the house. 1 child.

I gradually realised I wasn't happy and wasn't getting what I needed from the relationship. Now I just want to be on my own for a long time and concentrate on dd. Next hurdle is what to do about the house as we can't live here long term together.

I understand how it feels to be so unhappy and it's horrible

Thanks both. I guess I know, I just need to be strong enough to call it a day. To be honest, it's not the thought of coping on my own that's stopping me, it's the thought of his reaction (he will be gutted) and my poor DCs that's stopping me. Going to be a fun Christmas....not!

It was bad for a long time but I knew it was finally over when he spoilt my birthday and acted like he didn't care. The day he left we had a big argument, no bigger than normal but it must have been the final straw.

Mine was in a holiday apartment in Newquay in 1990. I even remember Morse being on the tv For 2 years it had been indecision, Relate, indecision, Relate, it was like mental torture. Dh had taken ds into Newquay and I gazed out of the window, looking at the beach and just realised I could feel peaceful like this again.It was like a release.16 year marriage.Told ex dh straight after the holiday.Thankyou Porth Beach, Newquay Sorry you're going through this, it is horrible but you will be ok. I've now been in a second marriage for 25 years, 2 more children

Sorry Kevin, forgot these

Haystack - your post gave me hope! Told my dh to leave in July and finding it tough

OP - I think you already know your answer. Once you make the decision things don't seem so bad

Haystack mine was also on holiday. XH had been a moody arse, leaving all the work up to me and just moping around on his phone. He blamed me for choosing the location (we were staying with friends and it was a joint decision) and I just realised I could do without this shit. When we got home he was complaining about all the arguing and I said "why don't you just fuck off then" and that was that.

It was still really hard, I cried a lot, especially as I was the one who had instigated it, but I am so much happier without him (and he is happier too!) The DCs are well adjusted and our home is much calmer without his dark presence sucking the joy out of everything!

I was most worried about being totally responsible for running the house, as he hadn't let me get involved with finances before, but tbh it's the emotional burden that I find hardest. He has the DCs once a week, but the rest of the time and all the practicalities are entirely up to me, which coupled with trying to work enough to keep the home running is hard.

But I wouldn't change it. Good luck Kevin - MN was a huge support throughout and I made some lovely friends who were also going through it at the same time on here. Keep posting x

Mine was after the summer holiday this year. Got back after 2 weeks together and just thought I cannot carry on like this. There was no love in our marriage, no closeness, no affection, no concern about each others feelings. It had been 10 years of this.

Thankfully it was a completely mutual and amicable separation, he moved in September and its been fine. I feel that the fog has just started to lift and I am happier now than I have been in many years. The dc have coped amazingly. DO NOT stay together for the dc mine are 13 & 12 and I have stayed for them for 10 years, they have been absolutely fine!

Please don't stay together for the children. I think that just puts an unfair burden on them. It's seems a cliche but they will be happy if you are and your husband will get over it too.
I was unhappy in my marriage and his unfidelity was the final straw but it needed to be over. We have very different priorities and values which have become really clear with our choices since
We are both getting remarried next year (not to each other)
Life is too short to be unhappy and have regrets

Kevin, you say he will be gutted, why did he refuse further counselling then?

Please don't stay together "for the kids". My parents did and my sister and I always knew it.

We spent our childhood feeling miserable because home was such a tense place. Even now my parents are still plodding along- 34 years of the same crap and arguments.

Your kids will do way better with two happy, healthy (separated) parents than two miserable ones.

Mine was when my ex went on a two week motorbiking holiday overseas with a mate. I encouraged him to go because I wanted to see how things would be without him around - just me and my (then) two and four year olds.

It was utter bliss. He used to call to see how we were and it was almost like an interruption. Some days I could hardly be arsed to talk to him and would make excuses that one of the kids was doing something and I needed to go, or someone was knocking on the door or something.

I had been unhappy for years, and in those two weeks, just me and the kids, I was so happy and contented and felt like my old self again. I knew then that we were done.

Sorry for radio silence. Crazy day at work. Thank you for all your insightful stories. They give me hope that there is life at the "other side".

Cary - he refused to go back to counselling as apparently it had given the the outlet for all my "issues"....however he hates talking and feels most comfortable when his head is firmly buried in the sand so it would be difficult to make any progress on that basis

How long have you been together? I have separated over a month ago and would encourage you to be sure.Going through this is really painful at times, I'm hoping for better times but it's tough.

What has changed to make you feel different?

I think with 2 small children, both working life can feel like zero fun and levels of resentment build up.Do you ever enjoy each others company?

In my case stbxh changed when he moved to a new company and seemed to hit a midlife crisis.He mostly checked out of the marriage and became angry and resentful.I walked on eggshells so needed to leave.In my view it's easy to separate when children are younger.

Thanks Hermione. We've been together for 16 years, married for 10. There are lots of factors but predominantly, I have been the main (only) breadwinner for the last ten years, I feel he takes me for granted and doesn't 'see' me any more - I joke that the only time he'd see me is if I was on fire and stood in front of the TV and then it would be to ask me to move! I don't feel we have anything in common, we don't have a sex life anymore and I'm lonely and miss being touched to be honest. I've grown resentful over the years and would rather be alone than feel like this (it might feel worse short term but surely I'd at least feel some hope for the future). I hear others talking about their partners being their best friend - miners not, I don't even think he likes me very much.

Sorry, tired and feeling sorry for myself....

If I'm honest, mine was probably a year into our relationship, though I didn't see it at time because I didn't know any different - first 'proper' boyfriend.

Mine was on Christmas Day, over roast potatoes of all things!! Another story...

Anyway, like you it had been bubbling away in the background for years, my children were at secondary school and the eldest was in the middle of GCSE's - what the fuck was I thinking

He thought I was joking at first, played the woe is me card, all my fault, blah blah blah, but my mind was made up.

Scary as hell, being on my own after 20 years with him, but that was better than what I was stuck in.

DS's survived! Eldest now in second year at Uni and youngest likely to go this September.

I rented, not the best house, because I couldn't afford a mortgage. Not that I cared to be honest.

I cannot underestimate the difference it's made to my life. Yes I had the worries of 'how will I cope', the bills etc are all down to me.

I had always played the mum and dad role, he wasn't an 'ideal' father, and you know what? Nothing changed! Me and DS's carried on as normal, conversation very open and they didn't fell either one of them had to 'dad' in the house.

Life is too bloody short for regrets. My only regret is that I'd have split sooner but I'm out the other side and that's what matters.

Mine was when I was in hospital with our son who was having surgery. We'd been in hospital for about 10 days (on my own as my xh "had to work"). I found out that my son was going to be put under general anaesthetic again and I begged my husband to come as I was emotionally drained and couldn't go through it again...he refused point blank to come. I knew at that exact moment we were done.

I'm trying to work this out too, we have been through so much together and he is struggling with PTSD at the moment so has asked me to give him 6 months. I don't know what to do.