Horrible argument with DH - don't know what to do

[whenwillchristmascome]

Name changed because of other identifying posts. DH and I had a bad argument today over nothing and it is totally unresolved - in fact, it is still ongoing in a silent, angry way.

The argument was over something stupid - whether he had recycled a couple of sheets of paper that DS (7) needed for homework, which he was adamant that he hadn't. I was really convinced that he had (saw them this morning; DH had tidied whilst I was out) and I guess kept accusing him, and it spiralled from there.

We have a history of this sort of arguing. We generally get on really well - he's incredibly supportive and a great partner, and we never argue over anything meaningful - we see eye-to-eye on most issues. But we have bad habits of letting tiny, stupid things spiral into big arguments. From my point of view, he is very sensitive when he feels that I'm getting at him, and this leads to him getting really angry and aggressive - never at all physical but shouting and sometimes verbally abusing me. He doesn't usually do this right in front of the children but often when they are in the house. When he gets like this, I usually just try to make him be quiet as I feel this is really damaging for the children to hear - which usually makes him more angry.

His point of view is that I am passive aggressive and commit lots of micro aggressions that all add up - that is the two of us causing these situations and that I am to blame as much as he is - and also that he will apologise for his role whereas I am less likely to. I don't know how I feel about this. I think there is some truth to it but sometimes I feel that even raising complaints or commenting on things I think he hasn't done right count as passive aggression to him. I think it's legitimate of me to be a bit annoyed at what seemed to me a clear case of him throwing out something DS really needed. The last straw this time was me saying, after he had said several times that he had not put it in the recycling, that I was pretty sure it wasn't in the house (after searching) - he feels this was really passive aggressive because it was accusing him of getting rid of it without actually saying it.

The low-point of the argument was him shouting at me to 'get upstairs' with such anger in his face (because DS was in the house and I was trying to keep him quiet - but the noise still carries) and then really screaming at me when I asked him again not to shout. He then stormed out to check the recycling and, in fact, found the papers in there. I thought he would apologise when he came back with them but he was still just as angry, saying that I was wrong for saying it was him when it could have been me that put the papers in the recycling (I really don't think this is likely because I was very aware that we needed them this weekend).

We've been avoiding each other since - I feel really shaken and unsure what to do. But I've just been in, feeling like we should talk. He took one look at my face and got up and walked out of the room. When I asked what he was doing, he said that I wasn't prepared to talk about it as I clearly hadn't come to apologise, and he was sick of me putting all the blame on him when it stems from my passive aggression. He is still furious, and said that he won't say anything to me unless I have 'something new' to say. I took a deep breath and said that I felt his behaviour today was abusive and that I feel like I'd been emotionally abused. I have said this before about his behaviour but it is hardly something that I say lightly or often. He just said sarcastically 'no, something new!' and stormed out of the room.

I feel so confused and uncertain. I feel that he is right in that my behaviour is part of the problem. He is hardly ever critical of me - never complains if I've not done jobs I was supposed to be doing, etc., whereas I am more critical and nagging, which does really annoy him and I am trying to do that less. But I feel his behaviour was in a different category. Our life is really great apart from these arguments (which are maybe 1-2 per month) - I don't want to throw everything away because of this but I feel really horrible about what is going on.

Sorry this is long - but other opinions on this would be so helpful.

JingleJess

"I don't know how you can move around in here with all these toys on the floor! Don't you tidy them away at night?"

My response would be one offering total logic "Oh, today DS had a great time playing with the Brio train track - he created a, why don't you tell daddy what you've been up to?"

It A, gives him some logic to his emotion - your son has been playing with them, and B - gives him the chance to interact with your son about his day (which is hopefully a positive interaction between dad and son), and deflects the conversation from a negative - negative between the two of you.

I am still working on the whole Chimp thing, so please everyone feel free to improve on my response.

Yes, the giving logic to emotion makes perfect sense. Sort of grounds it, before it takes off. I'll definitely try it. I usually start quietly simmering away until I boil over. It's interesting, because if we ever have to thrash a difference of opinion out via email or text, it's so much more productive, as I have time to pause and reflect (and possibly hit delete several times before pressing send!). Not terribly useful for the OP, though!

Have to turn in now, but will follow this as it's fascinating.

OP this sounds exactly like the sort of arguments DP and I have on a regular basis. They start off as a minor gripe but then escalate beyond belief to a point where we end up spending a day or two apart before trying to resolve things.

He is always first to apologise and tbh like you, I often don't apologise, or it is heavily caveated, as I don't know how I could have handled things in a better way. I'm sure we all say things in the heat of the moment that we wouldn't say if we weren't angry, but when you're having an argument surely that's the point - you can let out the things that piss you off.

I never say things to be deliberately spiteful although I corrected his grammar last time which seemed to be the worst thing I could have said whereas he will say things that he later admits are not true and he didn't mean, just for effect.

I was also going to recommend the Chimp book. I am in counselling for my low self esteem and my counsellor also refers to the book. DP has got a lot out of it, although he has a much more prominent chimp than I do, even he will admit, so he has a way to go. I have certainly taken things from it and have benefitted from some counselling which has helped me to see that I matter, that my thoughts and feelings are important. I am aware of my chimpy reflexes but not yet very good at reining them in.

Another technique we use when one of us is trying to explain our feelings is Intentional Dialogue. This requires you both to be on board, listening without interruption, repeating back word for word without any spin, then accepting that from the other person's view "that makes sense". If you take away your own filter from the situation and try to see it entirely from the other person's side, you can see that it does make sense. Then they can listen to it from your side and see that from your perspective it appears differently.

This can be hard and needs a lot of structure and discipline, but it can be a useful tool in the right circumstances. I think it works for me because it doesn't need me to invalidate my own story to accept that his makes sense to him and vice versa.

Can I ask one more question - when is an apology warranted and when is one not?

For instance - is there a certain point at which a row escalates past that you expect to receive an apology, or you apologise yourself? And is an apology needed to move on from a disagreement, or do you think if you have found a compromise it's not needed?

Can I ask one more question - when is an apology warranted and when is one not?

I think that is different for every relationship. But as a rule of thumb, I'd say that when you realise your actions/words/reactions have escalated the argument.

When you apologise, do it because you genuinely regret what you said/did. Not because you expect the other person to then give you an apology. "I'm sorry that I shouted. I shouldn't have done that" is a complete statement, as is "I'm sorry I swore at you, it was really wrong of me". If you then add "But... you shouldn't have done/said this that and the other" then you've just done a "sorry not sorry". Be sorry for your words/actions, but don't make them conditional on someone else.

Sorry, but I think that his behaviour is appalling. Becoming angry and aggressive, shouting and verbally abusing you? All this when he knows that your dcs can hear?

I am sure that you are not perfect either - which one of us is - but he has NO right to behave like this towards you.

IMO it's not an apology if it contains a but!