Impulsivity in adults

[Superhumancrew]

Hi, sorry not sure where to put this. Would love some help/advice/ not sure what really but here goes.

I think that there is something wrong with me, ive got myself in a real mess with relationships and I just can't seem to sort it out. Im in love with someone who I am not with, but just seem to spend all my time trampling all over other peoples feelings. I genuinely want to do the right thing, and not hurt anyone, but I just get overly impulsive and i really cant control it. In my head i think that i should hold out for this person who i genuinely believe to be some kind of soul mate or something. But I can't live without sex, however this just leads to complications no matter how honest I am. I should not do it really, but im tangled up in it now and not sure what to do.

The other person i have been seeing is a really good person, who's had some shit luck, and I just want to make them happy- but I can''t offer a relationship being in love with someone else.

I know the advice I would give myself is to cut contact to save their feelings, but we always bump in to each other and end up sleeping together. It always happens, so many times ive said never again.

Sorry for the length of this, but its not the first time I've done this recently, after me and my ex broke up (the person i am in love with) I slept with a friend of his, i cant believe i did it. I knew it was wrong as i was doing it, and i would regret it, and it would seal the deal on ever getting back with the person i love but i fucking went and did it anyway- a few times. Why? i just could not stop myself. i know how that sounds. But i couldnt.

I also have binge eating disorder, binge drinking disorder, self harm issues, and impulsive spending which means im always in (minor) debt. I know these things are wrong and bad for me, but i just cant stop doing them. Why? Is it just weak will? Ive tried really hard to break the cycle with all these things but i just cant. My emotions are intense and i can't control them.

I have been to the drs for depression and had various counselling and treatments, but nothings helped, they seem completely disinterested and to have given up- but i dont know what i expect really. I just want to be a good person, a good mum, a good friend and a kind person, and stop these destructive behaviours, and stop trampling all over peoples feelings.

I can take a flaming for some of the shit things ive done, but i dont think that would even help. Maybe people do need to be firmer with me? but i really dont know if it would help.

I know that this is a massive first world problem btw. Sometimes i think that that is the problem, i havent suffered enough. I like to punish myself for the shit ive done, by not eating, or working until im exhausted, going without things, i want to balance out the guilt this way, but it inevitably perpetuates the cycle.

Hi
It sounds to me like you are trying to fill an empty hole with sex, love, material things to capture contentment but no matter how much you put in the hole, it's never enough.

It's quite like disordered thinking and feeling because you have expectations that these things are going to be the key answer to solving all your problems?

I say this because I think I have done this when I was younger.

What worked for me was going totally cold turkey on everything. I got an entire new plan - I kind of gave myself a whole life makeover, a fresh start which involved:

Changing my phone number
Wiping and blocking numbers
Facing up to the reality of my finances
Being single and forcing myself to experience these feelings and not trying to run away from them

You might find all these things very hard by yourself. I think you need to stop looking at the symptoms and more at the underlying causes. Giving yourself a fresh start can feel very empowering and that you are finally in control of you and not these things being in control of you.

Thank you Bundmc, i think that you may be right, although i generally feel quite content if not a bit lonely, i like reading and a quiet life really then suddenly get the urge to just binge on something. The emptiness i guess stems from not being with my ex, but i basically managed to trash that relationship on a whim.

The new start is a very good idea, i have been thinking that alot lately, but it is so hard when everyone seems interconnected. Also i dont want to hurt people, mind u i wouldnt say that i have many actual friends left, just drinking buddies. Also, how did you combat the loneliness of leaving behind alot of people?

Im always trying to reinvent myself "this is the whole new me", then ten mins later back to the old habits. think i got sick of trying.

You sound like me. I have borderline personality disorder. The only thing that has made a real difference is therapy (NOT counselling), and proper long term therapy too - I'm at 5 years. It's expensive but brilliant and has made a huge huge difference

You have to learn how to face the feelings and not run away from them.
In my experience the reality of facing up to things isn't as bad as living like this. The idea is scary but it's really ok. The bad friends don't follow when you aren't interested in going out drinking, you need new hobbies new patterns and new friends (in time you will attract new ones when you are more stable).

You could think about this that your life is a wonky table. It's usable but wobbles. You keep trying to wedge up one of the wonky legs but nothing is really working. You need a new table. Starting again isn't about running away - you need to face up to stuff. Pay the money. Cut ties with people who don't bring out the best in you.
There are times when it's scary and lonely but you have to keep looking forward not back and maybe keeping a diary and having a 'plan of where I want to be' will keep you on track when it gets hard.
You could do with finding a counsellor who understands you. Also reading books about self esteem will help. The hole you are trying to fill ends up controlling you... I imagine something happened to you as a child and you are trying to find some kind of bandage to cover the wound it caused. Just a guess

Thanks caulkhead! ive wondered about that, and bipolar, but never been offered an assement for anything. even when i have been in about depression, drink problems etc.

How did you get an assessment?

Dont want to self diaognose, bt if there is help available with a proper diagnosis then would be open to it.

Go to your GP with your suspicions and they'll refer you to the mental health team for an assessment. Just as a warning, I wasn't diagnosed successfully until about 9 months when I was referred back for a second time so be prepared to wait and be disappointed. Persevere though as the diagnosis and help is worth the wait.

I agree re BPD as a possibility... I do not, I had childhood trauma and low self esteem which led to me trying to fill the emotional hole but with CBT and a good hard look at myself I managed to change my situation gradually over time. I had some very hard times along the way but I was determined to have a better life and didn't let those incidents destroy me all over again - I have a couple of very supportive friends who believed in me. Do you have any family?
I also was driven to change by having kids. I did not want them to see what mess I was in and learn from the examples so it was eye opening for me and I allowed that fear to keep me going

Sometimes letting yourself think about your mistakes and tracing them backwards can help give you insight. I had triggers as well. Some things/times/feelings would trigger the urges and once I worked out what they were I felt more in control of them

I was going to suggest borderline too..as I have it . I have that emptiness too which I stuff with whatever I can ie drink drugs fags food people spending etc etc
Maybe see if there is a treatment place for borderline personality disorder near you...I am in group therapy . It keeps me alive ! You could contact local mental health services and ask for help ?

I got referred to a psychiatrist following a suicide attempt. IME it's only diagnosed by a psychiatrist and little help is available. Apparently most GPs will assume that is what you have, but not say so formally, but I don't know how true that is. I've had a variety of medication, some helped and some didn't. They sometimes offer group support, but that never fitted in with my work pattern, or something I wanted to do. The therapy has been the only thing that I can say has helped, and I prioritise it over everything else, because I know I don't want to be like I was anymore.

DBT therapy is good for BPD but hard to come by on NHS.

You can usually self refer to mental health services now

GP's do not usually like to tell people they have it because it doesn't have a cure or a medication. Also it is a hard diagnosis to accept. I had a relationship with someone BPD and I tell you, they would never have accepted they had it - they fiercely believed everyone else was the problem and never them. You can't cure it you have to have therapy to get insight and support you in moving forward. I really think you sound like you have a good chance because you actually want things to change.

Thanks for the advice.

yes, there were few incidents during childhood that i can think of, nothing major. I was groomed by a group of much older guys when i was in my early teens, but i was already into drink and promiscuity by that point so not sure thats it.

Having my daughter is the inspiration i have really, i can keep on track mostly when she is with me (apart from the binge eating which i try to wait until she is in bed to indulge so she is not aware of it). But when she goes to her dads for three nights is when things go pear shaped. I know that she is lucky to have such a good relationship with him, so would never stop that. Just need to cope better without her.

I will try for an assessment, they really havent been much help though, i was even hospitalised for being malnurished and underweight in my teens, but they said they couldnt asess me for anything because i was too underweight, then they never followed it up. Mental health services are so stretched that i dont hold out alot of hope, but just maybe will get somewhere this time if i suggest bpd.

Yes ive always been receptive to help, there just isnt much down here. Ive gone in begging for help when i started loosing weight again, and tbf to them i did get a few counselling sessions then. But one dr just told me i needed more hobbies?! :o Ive got lots of hobbies... not the point at all!

My ex took me in to get help for drinking once, and they just gave me a blood test.

My mum was suggested to have bipolar once, which she vehemently denied and didnt get asessed for. But ive always said in some ways any diagonsis would be a relief, as a starting point for a coping stratergy. I really want to change.

Private therapy?

Borderline Personality Disorder.

As caulk has suggested, can you pay privately for therapy?

Ive forked out for it before, but it didnt help, had everything from counselling to rapid eye movement. Im still me, and it just left me extremely broke, im on a minimum wage job and benefits so was a huge expense really.

just got a new book called the happy brain, not sure if it will help with impulsivity, but might help to fill that hole people talk about. anyone read it?

Is anyone involved in any religion at all? often thought that spirituality might be what im lacking, i dont believ in an omnipitent god as such, but definitley in finding inner peace and surrendering to the eb and flow of higher forces/powers.

I'm a Christian, and work for a church.

I think it's a lot about going into anything like therapy when it's the right time. Current therapist is maybe the 8th person I've seen, but with her it clicked. I haven't had holidays or anything because of seeing her, most of that time was on a minimum wage, zero hours contract. It just clicked, and I knew that I had to do something to make things better, so I stayed. It's hard, so very fucking hard a lot of the time, but better than how things were at the worst.

I've never been into religion but I do advocate learning as much you can about the mind body and soul!
I do think you have that desire to be receptive and that's a very good thing, you just haven't found the right path or the right support yet. Doesn't mean you will not. Keep that positive thought alive. I also think that although therapy can be amazing it's what work you also put in that is the most important aspect,maybe before you weren't ready but you are now? Kind of hoping someone will come and save you from yourself is part of the idealistic fatalistic way of seeing things. You save you. You just need some help with it

Thanks, im sure that every therapist has helped their own way, just havent found the best therapy for me. Feel like i need a life coach really (sort of joking about that) but, think you are right BumDNC, i want someone to make all my decisions for me so that i can't fuck them up any more.

I have quite an impulsive nature and quite an addictive personality. I became a Mormon 12 years ago and lead a clean life for those 12 years. I was faithful and sober and never had any drama. I stopped attending church about 2 years ago and I have reverted to form. I know my faith and all the support I got from the church allowed me to be like this. I stopped going to church as even though I loved it and still have lots of friends and support from there I always found it really hard to accept the whole God, Jesus thing on a rational level.

Yeah I think you have to be careful you don't just swap one thing for another, looking for a saviour. It doesn't really save you. It won't fix what's deeper. Good to see that even if it feels strange to come to terms with

This may be why you are hung up on this ex, having the unrealistic feelings that he can save you, that things will be different. If you go through life searching for it you will never find it, you need to find your own way and it doesn't match up with the concept you have in your head iyswim

You seem very self aware which is the first step away from these behaviours. Sounds like you're trying to fill a void in your soul and need some kind of programme of recovery.
My attachment stage was not the best because my mum was mentally ill and couldn't give me the feed back I needed. I used a 12 step programme called Overeaters anonymous which actually helped me with my debting, irresponsibility and was all encompassing and sorted all of my relationships out.
I hope this helps in some way?

Rather than a specific religion would something like yoga help? Something that combines taking care of yourself physically with the spiritual elements too.

I've also been having counselling and it's not cheap, but I do feel it's an investment in my wellbeing. However, you really need to find someone who you click with.

There are also lots of online courses - I was directed to a site called 'The Daily Om' which has a spiritual edge to it, but is also full of good common sense stuff.

My particular problem is low self-esteem and being a people-pleaser so I have signed up for a course called Intimacy Without Responsibility, but there are lots of others which I'm sure combine the same kind of self-improvement messages - you can choose how much you pay, so I donated £10 - it's well worth it and the lessons are there to keep once you've signed up.