why..............[sad]

[fransmom]

do i keep getting disappointed by my dp? i don't look forwards to anything much anymore. the manager where i work owns a villa that we were going to rent , dp gets specs and pics i even ask about sept and now we're not going. i was actually excited and everything. we're sposed to be getting married but he's not doing anything about that - he even promised when ia sked if it would be a long engagement and he swore himself blinds that it wouldn't. i'm just sick of him promising me things and then not doing anything about it. i'm always the first to start the ball rolling and now i'm not, he turns round and says he's not going to be the only one doing anything about it. [anger] he barely paid any money towards dd's cotbed bar £30, he hasn't put any money in her trust fund{fuming] and now he's doing overtime to pay for the mot. it seems that he will do overtime for his things (which he promised for the hol) but not for anything else. he's known all year when the next mot would be due. oh and dd's birthday is in april so what's gonna happen then?

could do with someone to talk to. i know things are tight but why does he keep doing this?

[colditz]

My dp behaves in exactly the same way at times, and I have decided that it is because he is a lazy selfish twat.

Relate is helping us - it might help you too.

Write down your total contribution and his total contribution, and ask him to justify why he is spending all his money on himself. Chances are he can't, and chances are he'll tell you to shove your list up your arse, but also chances are you will at least make him realise you have noticed. It might work

[fransmom]

have tried similar before. he just turns round and says this is what i spend on the house (rent etc) debts from previous marriage... and he can't or couldn't see why it was affecting us here. we were sposed to go to relate last year but friend who was going to look after dd for us had to cancel. i had to but my own val's present (something i would like) - my suggestion tho cos i knew he wouldn't have kept any money by for it.
he does seem to be a lazy selfish get too. we're both coughing at night so we stayed in the living room so coughing wouldn't overly disturb dd, this morning there was lots needed doing (shopping, cleaning, hanging out washing before it rains) and he was staying on the settee. said he likes alie in. purlease we have a toddler who's got out of her routine of getting up at half 7. i'm rambling now sorry

[colditz]

does he get to see the consequences of mistreating you? Do you show him you are hurt?

[fransmom]

yes i do - he hates knowing when he's made me cry, it upsets him. i'm not the type of person who will deliberately hurt someone but on the other hand i will let them know when they've hurt me kind of thing. better go lo awake./

[fransmom]

bump

when he wants thigns and i odn't because of having to do other things or dd awake, why does he pull a face and sulk doesn't he realise that sometimes i just wan tto cuddle without thinking he'll want "other stuff" too?

[luckylady74]

i think cuddle=sex is quite universal with men especially if you're in bed! however, not listening/ not caring about what you want/ not following through with promises/ not doing his share must be driving you mad and doing nothing for your self-esteem. if you think there is hope then calm open discussion is the only way - i'm sure other mnetters can recommend books that could help, but if you think there's something good worth working on - what are the good things is always an interesting question to ask yourself!

[fransmom]

we always seem to talking about it ho tnh i sometimes get sick and tired of keep talking about certsin issues. and when we can talk calmly, as soons as i mention how ifeel about certain things, he can get very defensive to the extent that i end up feeling why do i even bother starting these copnversations

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Do you feel that this relationship has any sort of future?. Ultimately you may well have to plan your lives without him in it if he is not willing or able to change. You have two children; you do not need an immature manchild as well to run around after.

Relate would be helpful but if he is not willing to go I'd suggest you go on your own. Men who don't pull their weight and become selfish often drag their partner down with them through the stress of it all and such men are also very good at making it out to be their wife/partner's fault.

List all the good and not so good things about your relationship and see what list is longer.

[fransmom]

i only have one dd. tonight i now spend too much time on mn he's just worried i'm talking to complete strangers about our lives the point of having it on the pc in the first place(his suggestion btw) was so that i could talk to people and make new friends.so i told him if he feels that way he can take the internet off so he can have it just for his games again or even better take it to his dads with him. the nearest one is inthe next county a hours drive away and i can't drive that's will soon bloody well change if i can do it

[wartywarthog]

learning to drive will make a significant difference to your life. i'd get cracking with that.

[fransmom]

i must confess to being a little bit vain (ok a bigger bit than that but not too much!) so wanted to have my hair cut before i had any pics taken things better than they were and he has apologised and realised he was completely out of order. you would be proud of me, i actually stood up for myself for the first time in ages