A bit of context first. After 20 years married to an abusive man - he fits Lundy Bancroft's profile of The Drill Sergeant perfectly - our divorce is almost complete.
Anyway, last night as I was drifting off to sleep, not thinking about anything in particular, I suddenly realised that all X's violence to me had never been a "loss of control" as I'd always believed.
He would hit me around the head with an open hand, which, while it would leave me with cuts and bruises and often literally seeing stars, didn't do the same damage a punch to the head might.
He would punch my arms and legs, leaving lots of bruising which I would cover up with clothing.
When he obtained a position which he would be disqualified from if he had a criminal record such as for violence, he suddenly stopped hitting me. The threat was always there but he had miraculously gained self control.
I don't know if I'm communicating this well, but I realised, or my subconscious pointed out to me, that all his violence was calculated to hurt, frighten and control me, while minimising the chance of other people discovering it.
Even now I was somewhat believing he couldn't help it, he lost control. But he didn't did he? He knew exactly what he was doing, everytime. For some reason this has shaken me up a bit. I've realised he is an even worse human than I thought and I wonder what else my mind might point out to me in the future? (There were other violent incidents, doing other stuff, in case this doesn't sound "that bad").
I'm not really asking anything, just, I don't know, this is fucked up isn't it? I've done well to survive and he is a nasty piece of work not to be trusted in the slightest.