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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I totally lost it in front of the kids!

21 replies

harman · 18/06/2004 09:37

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Toothache · 18/06/2004 09:40

Harman - I don't blame you for losing it. Don't beat yourself up about it.

I have no direct experience of this, but would say that it is entirely unreasonable for him to live int ehouse whilst you and the children live in homeless accomodation! I don't know all the facts, but surely you have the right! Have you spoken to a Solicitor?

secur · 18/06/2004 09:44

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twiglett · 18/06/2004 09:44

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Original poster

harman · 18/06/2004 09:46

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spacemonkey · 18/06/2004 09:59

sorry to hear about this harman - I don't blame you for losing it. The kids will be OK - it's not as if you lose it in front of them on a daily basis! I think you're amazing to be coping with all of this with the children AND pg.

My blood is boiling on your behalf that he is in the house and you're having to deal with homelessness (I was there myself a few years ago and it's not fun). What does your solicitor say about this? There MUST be some way of getting him out???

secur · 18/06/2004 10:08

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sponge · 18/06/2004 10:14

If the house is jointly owned then you have just as much right to it as he does, but I'm sure any court would give preference to a mother with custody of the children. I would seriously speak to a solicitor asap.

Twinkie · 18/06/2004 10:25

AGree with sponge but I think yuo have more right than him to be honest.

Sorry but I have been all of a dither lately - what prompted the break up (I have read before but don;t want to get mixed up!!) - I am sure and mental abuse even can be used to get him out of the house especially if you are pregnant - go tot he doctors and break down (I am sure you have already though) get him on your side and then head to see a solicitor - you need proper legal advice and you need to get this sorted - I am sure any judge if it went that far would give you and the kids the house and him the boot!!

Where do you live (not too far from me if I rememebr!!) - if you can get to see a soicitor next Tuesday and you want me to come with you I can or if you just want to come round. XXX

Original poster

harman · 18/06/2004 10:26

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OP posts:

twiglett · 18/06/2004 10:29

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soapbox · 18/06/2004 10:30

Harman - it sounds like he's set to play a very sneaky game - do be very careful, you do not want to risk losing the children. Keep calm, honour the access etc. Play it all straight down the line. Privately of course you can be as hopping mad as you like but watch what you are doing in public. He will be trying to rile you to get the reaction he needs in front of other people to prove his point - especially if you lose it in front of the children.

I do understand how hard it must be, but try and focus on the long term game plan not hte short!

Lots of hugs to you - you really are caught between a rock and a hard place aren't you

Twinkie · 18/06/2004 10:33

Honey go to the doctor and get him to see how stressed that you at the arseholes treatment of you - you did not 'remove' the kids at all - they were stressed and upset and you thought it better they stay with you.

God can't SOME men be such utter bastards!!

Offers still there though if you want to come round next week you are more than welcome. XXX

Twinkie · 18/06/2004 10:33

Has contact been agreed and written in stone somewhere??

soapbox · 18/06/2004 10:36

Harman - just thinking of another possibility to make it less likely he can get a reaction out of you

Can you find someone else who can do the handovers and getting back of the children for you. So that you don't see him face to face. That way he can only pass around the old stories and they only have a limited shelf life! Folk will soon tire of hearing him trot out the same old same old same old won't thye. Wheras if he's got new - she lost it again - stories then he will keep his audience interested for a lot longer.

It really may be worth thinking hard about.

Original poster

harman · 18/06/2004 10:42

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Twinkie · 18/06/2004 10:49

I think you need to get your solicitor to write saying that you are entitled to the house as much as he and he should move out for your safety and sanity and the health of your unborn child!! Get tough Honey and if needs be move back in and then pack his stuff and have the locks changed.

S for you removing the children - I'd get her to write that you forgot the children were invited to a birthday party adn you had to take them but did not remember until you drove to his and was too scared to tell him - oh the children were crying cause they wanted to go to the party and thought that they were going to daddies! - I will have had a birthday party that day too!!

And it must be brought up that going to the FFH distresses the children when they dont have a permanent base and they cannot understand why daddy is making this happen.

soapbox · 18/06/2004 10:49

Harman - I suspect he does really hate you - or at least hates the fact that you are in control of the situation not him (even although it may not seem that way to you).

He's a bully and he is trying every game he can think of to get back into the driving seat in your relationship. You've come so far now that I agree you cannot now go backwards!

I would write to the solicitor - if nothing else it will prove that he had full knowledge of the fact that he was making you and the children homeless by not moving out. I would be tempted to get the solicitor to weave the whole story into the letter - i.e that the house is empty most of the day, you are pregnant, you have attempted on several occaisions to get him to amicably agree to move out for the good of all parties etc etc. This gets on record all the efforts you have made to secure things for your children and makes you look like the caring parent rather than him.

Twinkie · 18/06/2004 10:52

Harman the only way I can get through my feelings of hate for X2b is to think that he is never going to be truely happy because he is evil and rotton through and through. I on the other hand will at some point have the perfcet life - I am halfway there just got to get through the divorce but it has been a long road and at times I though it would defeat me but now I look at him and sometimes even feel pity - you will get there too XXX

And men do get terribly bitter when things go wrong - far more so than women I think - they have the ability to be completely absorbed inthemselves and not even think about the children just punishing you (FME!!).

carlyb · 18/06/2004 11:01

Harman - I know this is easier said than done, but by staying calm you will get to him more than shouting ever will. Every time you have a go at him it seems that he sees it as perfect ammunition. He is playing the poor me look at mad she is role. If you can find a way not to react and to let the solicitors deal with this it will work out better for you. Even if it means letting out your frustration on mumsnet - we dont mind, have a rant on here!

Original poster

harman · 18/06/2004 11:07

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gettingthere · 18/06/2004 14:21

harman - i had an excellent solicitor who stayed absolutely calm, made me calm, and told my ex courteously but firmly how things were going to be. i can give details if that helps (not sure where u live). i agree with carlyb to stay calm 4 two reasons:a) it is difficult for him to argue with such reasonableness from you (just makes him look ridiculous so he'll stop and b) in my case i found that i experienced less stress, because i felt (and was) in control of the situation. important to have a good solicitor though, especially on the house issue. hang in there.

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