Sad and confused about this situation.

[namechangeforthisonly]

Namechanged for this but have been a member for many years.

Apologies in advance, this is going to be long.

Met my DH around 15 years ago. We clicked right away and I 'knew' on our first date that it was something special.

(For background I had been married before but had been single for around 3 years. My first marriage wasn't awful, I just didn't love him and should never have got married but we were young and made a mistake. Parted fairly amicably etc. )

So we dated, fell in love and moved in together after about a year, got married then went on to have one DC. All good, pretty much perfect apart from one thing, DH finds it very difficult to show his feelings.

It's not surprising to be honest as he grew up in a very abusive household where there was no affection. Both parents I think had severe learning difficulties as do 2 of his sisters. The parents had never worked or had any friends so it was a very insular life. Never enough food, teased at school because of too small clothes etc.
Both parents and one sister are now dead (all in the last 18 months) and we are NC with another sister (long story) ok-ish but not close relationship with other sister and brother.

Anyway, he always said I and our DS taught him how to love and he is a wonderful man, hardworking, thoughtful and genuinely a good guy.

My issue is this - for the last few years I feel as though we've really grown apart. We never (or hardly ever) have sex and sex was always amazing for us - it was kind of our thing as we'd never really had that with anyone else.
As much as he got better at showing his feelings I feel as though it's all a bit meh. i.e. no romance, I feel a bit like we're flatmates -very pleasant to each other, very respectful but there's no intimacy.

I have tried to get to the bottom of it and he just says it's the first thing to go when he's stressed or tired, it's not deliberate.
He's put on a bit of weight lately and say's he feels self conscious - I still think he's hot and tell him that I find him attractive all the time.
I know he's been stressed with work (very stressful job) and with his parents both passing recently, they had a difficult relationship which in some ways I think made it harder on him.

I know he loves me, I know he's not having an affair (I know that's the usual answer) I think he just doesn't see anything wrong with bumbling along -it' almost as though he's quite taken aback that I'm not 100% happy as he 'has everything he could ever want with me and DS'.

I think maybe it could be that he just doesn't fancy me anymore -I have put quite a bit of weight due to a chronic illness, but I've asked and he says that's daft (although he would say that wouldn't he...)

He did say in one conversation that his sex drive seems to have just plummeted.

I suppose my worry is -I don't know if I can live for the next however many years like this. I love him, I miss what we had....if he's happy as we are, should I just suck it up.
It's not awful, it's actually lovely but without the bit that made us 'us' if that makes sense. But I am feeling so unhappy and sad that I may never feel desired again or have amazing sex again.
But I don't know if I can leave - people would be stunned! We're seen as the perfect couple.

I know I can't force him to have sex with me and I wouldn't want him to -I know if I initiated it and picked my moment he would respond but I want him to want it...and it's not a case of just having sex and everything will be ok. It's become this massive elephant in the room now.

Sorry -I don't really know what I wanted to achieve by posting this.
It feels so petty when written down but on the other hand it makes me so sad.

When you say 'the last few years', how many years are we talking? What was the sex like eighteen months ago, before the deaths? (obviously, I'm not after details, I mean was it a situation you were happy with?) I'm thinking that if he's always had a difficult relationship with his family, their deaths have probably triggered a lot of emotions for him that he's never been taught how to deal with and is just not equipped to deal with. Do you think some grief counselling would help him?

Intimacy is so much more than just sex. How does he respond to cuddles, or holding hands etc? Or does he reject attempts thinking that it will lead to sex? If you could increase levels of non sexual intimacy between you, would that be enough to keep you invested in the relationship until things are back on track sexually?

I would say it started around 5 years can ago which coincided with a horrible incident where he was bullied in work -this was a really horrific time for him as he's always been highly respected in his field and a bit of a high flier. It was a case of a new director trying to mark their territory and involved much manipulation and gas lighting -I think it made DH feel like less of a man (his words). He moved to another hospital for work after raising a grievance and it all worked out, but then pretty much straight off the back of that his dad got very ill and he started having to look at care homes and power of attorneys etc and it stirred up a lot of emotions -he was looking after them but they never looked after him.

If I cuddle or kiss him he will respond, and he'll hold my hand or put his hand on my knee when driving or we're sitting together. But it just feels like anything more than that, passionate kissing etc just doesn't happen and I really miss it.
It's got to the stage I won't initiate anything as I'm scared of being rejected and also, and I know this sounds awful, I'm a bit resentful -why should I if he won't? But I know that's catch 22 and not helping things.

I think grief counselling would help and I have tried to get him to go many times but for someone who finds it really very difficult to speak about his feelings the idea fills him with horror.

I feel as though he's put a barrier up to protect him from his grief but it's numbing everything else too.

SnOt - I think I will work on getting the non sexual intimacy back on track, I think that will help a lot.

I think you maybe need to reconnect with each other. Can you farm dc out to someone for a weekend and go away together? But it will only work if he wants it too. Or could you sign dc up for a week of pgl or something in the summer and go away then?

Do you have regular time together? If not then start.

I also think it would be a good idea for you both to read up on love languages and learn to speak each others.

Ooh how about the marriage course? Run by the church but not overly christian. No group sharing, but a safe space in which to discuss stuff.

Question is, is it just you that has a problem with this?

If he's happy as he is and doesn't want things to change then there's nothing you can do.

Redexpat - we get very little time together as we both work long hours and he tends to be on call. Actually I can't remember the last time we went out just the 2 of us.
I can send DS to my mum over the summer -they both would love that and DH and I can do something just the two of us.

Joysmum -that's my worry :( I want him to be happy, his happiness matters so much to me, am very protective of him due to the horrible upbringing he had. But then I want to be happy too..