I love my DP and we have a very solid relationship that goes back years when we used to live in the same place. We met when I was younger and I called it off because I was just too young. I wanted to go travelling, I wanted to explore, I was immature. 7 years later and we're back together but we have geographical distance. I will be moving back to him next month. That's the back story on us. I feel secure in my relationship with him and I think he does too. The distance is hard but we're very communicative, in communication all day, videos, phone calls, letters, etc. and I make frequent trips up to see him because I work for myself so have flexibility, plus a good income.
His dad has had cancer for the past 5 years and DP is his carer. His dad goes in and out of hospital and A&E. Two weeks ago he was rushed yet again to A&E and it turns out he had become infected with a super bug. Because his immune system is already so weak, this is very worrying. He was put on a 2-week course of antibiotics. DP now spends his day going to his mothers to do things around the house his dad would normally do. Then they eat together, and DP goes to the hospital to spend all afternoon and evening with his dad until closing time.
The past 2 days DP has become very withdrawn. Last time I visited (last week) he said he was sorry I 'had to see him like this' as he didn't feel himself. Last time I visited we didn't go out in the evening - obviously I understamd, I'm just explaining this is very unusual for him, he's a bit of the life and soul normally. All completely understandable.
But as I say the past 2 days he's become very withdrawn. He still responds to me but at much greater intervals and with much less enthusiasm. He's very quiet. He doesn't every really enjoy discussing his dad other than to say 'no improvement'. To make things worse, DP has serious money issues compounded by the fact that he's needed to be available for his dad and so the (good) job he had back in the day when I first met him has fallen by the wayside. He's up shit creek financially. I think hes worried that because the antibiotics are over and there's been no improvement, this may be the end.
It's difficult because of the distance. If I were there, I could be there for him non verbally. You know, doing normal things for him and just being a reassuring and loving presence, cooking, watching films, helping him out in little ways. But because of the distance, so much relies on our verbal communication and I'm not sure how to handle this. I have never had to deal with aggressive illness among my loved ones. I imagine it's incredibly draining and worrying and depressing. Also his money troubles probably add an extra layer of stress. But I don't know how best to help from afar. I dont know if I should continue with my messages (audio messages, texts, videos), continue being upbeat and blathering on about what I'm up to etc as we normally would, or if I'm smothering him. I dont want him to feel like I'm an extra responsibility, an extra person he needs to 'care' for, I dont want to be an extra 'task' in his day. At the same time without wanting to sound selfish it's disheartening for me to suddenly feel like I'm talking into a void. Again at the same time though, I don't want him to feel I'm 'abandoning' him. The other day he mentioned how well I 'look after' him even from a distance so I guess he appreciates it and I should continue as I am? I dont know. It feels lonely.
I guess I'm appealing to those of you who have experience of this in any way, in either of the 'roles' - to give me insight into how he might be feeling, what it's like to be a carer like this, and to help me figure out how best to continue. Luckily its only another month of distance. The problem is how verbal-based our relationship has to be for the time being. I dont want to discuss it too much with him because I sense him being really drained. I think he feels secure and happy with me but theres a little seed of concern because of my 'first go' at the relationship with him all those years ago: I sense theres a small element of him worrying that I'm going to leave again especially because he is in financial shit and has all the crap with his Dad to deal with - thats not going to happen, but I think thats another thing on his mind, subconsciously at least. That I'll think ''this is too hard/messy, I'm off''.
Thanks for reading, any thoughts welcome