Any experience of temporary separation?

[Roodolf]

Last weekend I found Internet conversations between my H and a number of women. I asked him to leave, which he eventually did - and he has several family members locally with spare rooms, etc.

He's not given me space really at all - loads of texts and insisted on talking before I was ready - he admitted he has been chatting online to other women on and off for the whole of our marriage - we've been together 6 years. He also said he's sleeping in the car and will freeze to death if I don't let him come home.

I don't want him home, can't handle to be around him, and if I ever can I will need to see his acknowledgement he has a problem and his commitment to change.

I don't think I'm unreasonable to ask for a month or even 3 as a trial separation where he gets counselling, stops hassling me, let's me decide what I want to do? Has anyone had experience of this and how did it play out? Anyone with a partner in recovery from this kind of addiction/behaviour?
(I am a serial namechanger but a long standing MNetter and I did post after some suspicions last year which he just denied and I naively let it go.)

6 years! And I would doubt it was only messaging, he sounds hard core on the net.

Tell him to fuck off OP, seriously, he's lucky you are even engaging with him.

His insistence you let him in or he will freeze in car is just another example of how incredibly self centred he actually is.

He sounds a complete loser. Do not take him back until you are 100% sure you actually want him back.

Keep being strong, you are more than capable.

He's incapable of being faithful, is that really someone you want to spend the next so many years with?

I do mind Kr1stina - it's the very opposite of space. Today - no texts or visits to the house and I am much more settled in myself. I don't feel very much, to be honest - I am just getting on with this being my way of life now. That said I've not seen/spoken to anyone or been out - and I want to avoid too many such days because I will tip into loneliness and you are right that I'd then have him back as I'd remember the close companionship we had and long for it too much. But I've had a busy people filled weekend and will be at work tomorrow.

I don't feel like I could trust anyone again - much less him. I'm even doubting a friend who spoke to him - just the tiniest niggles - how does that ever heal?

How are you today Roodolf? Hopefully you are feeling more normal being back at work .

The trust thing -I don't know the answer. My ex cheated on me much like yours. I mean it wasn't a straightforward affair with OW, so he argued that it " didn't count" and I was " over reacting " and that I couldn't "prove" anything. I did try to make it work but I never trusted him again.

Now I know it wasn't my fault. I don't trust him because he's a fundamentally dishonest person who lies about everything anytime it suits him. The infidelity was a big enough deception that I was " allowed" to be angry about. But the thing that destroyed our marriage was the constant dishonesty day after day after day. Then endless rows about his endless lies. Im exhausted just thinking about it.

So I don't know if trust ever returns TBH. Sorry I know that's not very encouraging :-(

I'm up and down. Have the intense, miss him, angry, upset, struggling to cope practically feelings at times. Like after work yesterday. I only work part time, so I've not missed any, and it's done me good to be able to change into my professional role like that.
I'm trying to be heavy on the self care, and just do enough in the house to stay afloat.
Christmas is challenging - not sure about decorating the house for just me but don't want to look like I'm having a pity party either. Very confusing. Not sure I can get the stuff down anyway!
Thank you so much for asking, and for your honesty. I think the betrayal is the big thing. He's doing the things I asked now - he's going to be devastated if that means I don't forgive him and everything is good again.

Ah, so he thinks that you are punishing him by withdrawing your domestic and sexual services for a few weeks/months. And he just has to wait this out until you have calmed down and everything will be back to normal.

Like a child sitting on the naughty step .

Feeling awful.
Really low, tearful, exhausted.
Home early from work and just miss - hugs, and life being easier because someone can share it.
I'm usually quite happy with my own company but today I feel like a lonely failure.

I'm so sorry, I know it's awful. It's the shock and grief .

This is when you need to rely on your RL friends and family. You need to text /phone and go out with someone /have them to your house tonight.

Get in a take away and watch a film on the TV. Anything to take your mind off him.

Kr1stina you have been so so wonderful in this thread - I can't thank you enough that you'll give your time to someone you've never met!
I'm exhausted. I have significant fatigue anyway which I've not really been looking after - plus the emotionally draining effect of all this. I've kept busy and seen people and now I've got cotton wool where my brain cells were and I'm so tired.
I'm usually a content, quiet introvert. So the amount of people I've seen has been pretty draining even though they've been wonderful. Maybe a bath and a book? And no thinking. And an early night?

Can you do a bath and a book without pining for him ? Will you get all upset thinking that you shouldn't be alone but in his arms?

You know yourself what you can cope with.

And thank you for your kind comments, MNers have helped me out so many times. Andi know what it's like to be treated very shabbily by the person you trusted most in the world .

I've been through the range of emotions - being totally devastated, blaming myself, trying to fix him, being patient and understanding , anger, plotting revenge , wishing he was dead , thinking I was imagining it or that I was going mad, being convinced no one would believe me because he was so charming and convincing, raging at the unfairness of it all, being angry with myself for being such a fool.

Now I'm mostly stuck in " meh" and finding him irritatingly predictable . We still have to transact as we have minor children .

But it took me about 18months ( I'm a slow learner ) .

I've slept a bit. I think I am just horribly tired and running on empty. (And he's texted about bloody Christmas presents so I'm back to irritated again which is a much less pathetic state of mind!) I have a good but fairly mindless book and will snuggle up with it.
You're probably right about not being alone generally. I just knew that I need to get more sleep. I can't think straight this tired. I'm hoping a decent night will mean tomorrow is much more bearable.

Ah, so how many days did he go without contacting you? so you met on 11th and now he's texting you 4days later , is that right?

Hope you've Had a peaceful evening BTW.

Roodolf, you need some space as you sound worn out. This is a very hard time for you as you come to terms with the fact that he is not the man you thought he was. Having been through finding out that my exH of over 20 years had cheated all the way though our relationship, i do know how you feel and you need time and space just to focus on you.

Definitely block him on your phone - he has nothing useful to say anyway does he really? It's all just attention seeking.

Tell him he is not to come round or contact you until a specified date and mean it. Agree with a PP who said tell him every time he contacts you, you will add on a week. He is behaving like a child and unable to respect your boundaries so treat him like one.

Do spend time with friends. You need them more than ever now and i was surprised and touched by how some people i thought of as mere acquaintances were incredibly supportive. Accept every social invitation you are offered.

What about Christmas? Have you thought about going away just for a few days? I did this my first solitary Christmas and actually found it easy to get a last minute place at a health farm. A few classes and some pampering and a change of environment would probably do you the world of good.

Keep talking on here. MN was a lifeline for me in my darkest days.

I'm guilty of contacting him to ask him to get his family Christmas presents out of the house on my terms (ie. Today, whilst I at work). The car stuff came from there.

I'm going to various friends on Christmas Eve/Day. We were due to he going away at New Year and I'm going to go anyway. I'll come home if I think it's doing more harm than good.

It's so hard to know how many people to tell. Initially last week I went in for a bit of over sharing and now am finding my non working days a bit empty. And what to tell them, especially if we get back together. In many ways I feel so much lighter and free-er. Don't know what if anything that means.

Thank you for the support - and I slept loads. Feel so much better for it.

Sleep is very important as I think it's so emotionally draining.

What is it that he would need to do/say/demostrate that could make you feel able trust him again? If you know what these things are it might help to determine if you can get back together.

For now I think you do need to share everything with a few close friends or family. I've been amazed at the different points of view but they all say the same thing, in my case, which is he's unlikely to get better and you are better getting out now rather than later.

I hope you don't mind me regenerating my thread.

It's been like I've suddenly seen H in a new light these past few days. He has done so little but talks and pressurises so much. Currently I do feel like I don't want to be in the marriage any more. But I'm trying to sit with it for a few days and just see if I feel settled with the decision.

I feel sad and emotionally weary. Yesterday afternoon I just sobbed - he was texting me all this stuff - and I still feel a bit overwhelmed today.
Going to try and get on top of the house this afternoon. And have some snuggly downtime with some television. I'm not lonely as such, just realise what a mountain I have to climb.

I know mn is quiet for the holidays but sometimes jus writing it is therapy in itself.

for you.

Can you block his number for a bit? Not long-term, but for an afternoon/evening, or a day or 2? Constantly waiting for your phone to bleep or flash or ring is unhealthy and stressful, especially if you're anticipating negative messages etc. You need to let yourself have space- if he won't give it to you then do what you have to do to get it.

I've recently separated after a 12 year relationship. I found the limbo stage the worst - the 'what if' thoughts. Once my STBXH moved to his new house and I told my family and friends etc it felt easier and I now feel 100% sure it was the right thing although it is still hard and I still have moments of sadness and regret for what could have been.

Look after yourself and be kind to yourself. Snuggly time with TV is a good idea

Oh roodolf im so sorry to hear that he is still pressurising you . What happened to his agreeememt to give you some space? When was that -11 December ?

Well that shows how much he respects your wishes

What you said about suddenly seeing everything in a different light - it's a bit shocking isn't it because you have to reevaluate everything thats happened over years . No wonder you are felling a bit overwhelmed .

Thanks savoury - interesting that you describe the uncertainty as being the worst time. I've wondered about blocking him - I don't feel too much that I'm always waiting but the bad days I've had have always been the days full of texts. And Kr1stina I gave him slightly mixed messages I think last week, as I seemed more willing to think about things, and his response was to really push and I found my backbone again. I have not been perfect during this at all. Feel guilty of not being clear enough at times, and of naively believing he wouldn't manipulate/blame me so much. But I am holding onto this-is-not-my-fault. As it really isn't.

I'm kind of making a decision in my heart and sitting with it for a few days. But if I have a heavy conversation to have, when should it be? Before NY? After? With a counsellor present? Thank you both. Time to get up and in to work.

It's ok to be unsure about what you want. Six years is a long time.

You talked in your OP about a 3month separation where he gets help for his problems and doesn't contact you. Are you still thinking about that ?

You say he's still trying to blame you, which doesn't fit well with your hope of him accepting responsibility for his issues and getting help. If he's done nothing wrong and it's all your fault , why would he get counselling?

BTW You don't have to be perfect in all this, no one is perfect. You just have to be a decent human being, which you know you are.

Regarding your "heavy conversation " - you can do this in whatever way is best for you .

If you want a divorce, I suggest you stall for now and get legal advice first. You know that he's manipulative and dishonest so he's not going to be fair. You need to get all your ducks in a row first.

If you just want a longer separation with conditions, why don't you just email him now? isnt it better to have it in writing for clarity and he's less likely to try to manipulate you ?

its not like it's going to come as a shock to him . He's been cheating for years so he must have known that you would find out sooner or later.

You know him best. Is he likely to become violent or abusive ? If so, don't do it in person .

If he likely to shout or argue with you or blame you ? If so, why do you want to have such a conversation and not just phone or email ? He doesn't have some moral right to have a show down with you.

Are you thinking of having a counsellor there to suport you or him ? Is this a counsellor you are already seeing or is it HIS counsellor ? Are you going to pay for this?

Or are you thinking that the counsellor will act as some sort of referee and allow you a chance to say your piece ?

I would have thought that a manipulative man like your H would try to get the counsellor to feel sorry for him - how would that make you feel ?

You could also have a friend or family member there instead, but He might act up in front of them as well.

I guess I'm wondering why you want to have any kind of conversation at all with an angry , manipulative , cheating , dishonest man who blames you for his infidelity?

Do you want to put yourself through that ? What's the point?

Kr1stina thank you for your questions which have really helped me think thru the issues over the last few days.
I am going to see him face to face but I don't see the point of a longer separation - the way he's behaved the last few weeks has just confirmed that nothing is going to change enough.
I feel more settled than I have in a long time. Enjoying my own company and busy with friends. He's struggling and it's going to be awful.

I'm glad that you are feeling clearer in your own mind.

I'm pleased you have friends to support you now and in the weeks ahead.

I know it's very hard to break the habit of worrying about how he will cope, but you need to put that out your mind, for your own sanity.

He needs to rely on his own friends and family . From what you have said about him, he sounds like a survivor and very good at looking after number one,

He sounds like a bully. Don't indulge him in long conversations and endless wrangling. Get a SHL (shit hot lawyer), tell him it's over, tell him to stop contacting you, put your energies into making plans for your new life. Good luck ! Don't angst over it - enjoy it

(Sorry to butt in )

It's not butting in! I have been very grateful for all input but ESPECIALLY Kr1stina who has been talking me thru this for weeks now.

He is bound to bounce back, you're right. I'd put money on him seeing someone else by Easter! And I do feel bullied Jenny so it's really validating to hear you say that. Since he's left his behaviour has been a real eye opener.