Unsure what to do

[rainbowmedia]

I posted a while ago about my DH coming home so drunk that he peed in the kitchen and tried to get into our son's bed (with him in it) thinking it was ours. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, he was suitably contrite, won't happen again blah blah. He hasn't been out since until tonight.

I'm up at 5am for work however have been awake since 12.45am when the baby woke. Phoned DH to see where he was and he was at a friends house saying he'll be home in an hour. Call ended with me hanging up on him because I said I had to be up in 4 hours but was up with the baby.

So an hour and 3/4 later he's still not home, I've been up again with the baby and I'm supposed to be up for work in 2.5hrs but doubt I'll make it in now since I'm unlikely to get back to sleep. He's working later today. We have 2 kids under 4. Even if I went to work I would be leaving him in charge of them from about 6am and the baby usually gets up around then.

Last time I told him I was very close to asking him to move out for a few days as I was so angry. This time I don't know what I think.

For some reason when he goes out with this particular friend he gets in a right state. He hardly ever goes out. He mentioned the other day he was going to go out with this friend and I said okay as long as I'm off the next day then he told me yest he was going out that night.

I don't know what to do. Apart from these odd times a year (3 at most) he's great, does loads in the house, with our kids, work's hard etc etc.

Anyone around? Maybe I should put in relationships?

I don't have any answers, but I hope you got some sleep. Is there anyone you can leave the children with today?

He got in at 3.30. He wasn't too drunk and said his friend is in a really bad way at the moment with various things going on in his life and really needed a friend.

We had an argument and he said I was being really unreasonable as he very rarely goes out (true). And that I should've just gone to sleep.

I can't just go back to sleep, I was up twice with the baby and tend to be unable to get back to sleep after that so DH tends to do all the night wakenings even if he's working at 6.

Plus because of the state he has got into on previous occasions I didn't know he hadn't been drinking for hours as normally does with this friend and didn't know when he'd get in or what state he'd be in. So if he'd be okay for the kids. He said he's an adult and was watching what he was doing last night because he knew he'd be up with the kids.

Then he said whenever I go out everyone bends over backwards to allow that to happen. I don't go out that often but when I do my parents have the kids overnight so it doesn't affect him as it usually only happens when he's working.

My issue was not knowing when he'd be back and what state he'd be in based on previous experience. Last night was the first time he's come back in a reasonable state ever. Plus I'd asked him that if he was going out to make sure I was off the next day because then it didn't matter what state he could get into. This isn't the first time I've had to miss work because he's gone out and come in so bladdered that I couldn't leave the kids with him. But then I got accused of casting something up from a couple of years ago.

On the other hand his friend was really needing support and obviously I feel bad for him and what he's going through.

I'm not sure if either of us are being unreasonable. I don't know what to say to him when he gets up. We'll probably not be talking.

Would appreciate an outsider's point of view!

So I'm guessing you haven't gone to work?

He said he's an adult and was watching what he was doing last night because he knew he'd be up with the kids

That line would hold more currency if not for the fact that you've had to cancel work in the past because he's not been in a fit state to look after the kids after a night's drinking.

In the first instance, I suggest that when he gets up, you leave the kids with him and have a couple of hours yourself! You must be knackered.

No haven't gone to work. I was only in for 3 hours this morning as took annual leave anyway for this afternoon.

He's got work to go to this afternoon so I can't leave the kids with him unfortunately. I am knackered. I finally off to sleep then the eldest came into my bed crying so that woke me up at 4.30.

It's gonna be a long day with the kids! The baby had the cold so is miserable and I'm also choked with it

I've asked to have this moved to relationships.

Do you think he has a drink problem?.

Who cleared up the urine in the kitchen last time around; I sincerely hope that it was not you. He must have been very drunk also to climb into your son's bed by mistake. However this is dressed up it is unacceptable and you have every right not to tolerate any of this from him.

Why did you at that time give him the benefit of the doubt; was that because the alternative was and is unpalatable to you?.

What do you know about this friend; is he a binge drinker as well?. Your DH is acting of his own free will here; no-one is forcing him to drink into a paralytic state where he is putting himself at risk as well as others. He is choosing to do this.

It sounds like he has a drink problem and it is a problem because it is also affecting you and in turn your children (who also see your reactions to all this). They will become more aware of their dad's behaviour as they get older and he is really not a good role model for them. It matters not that he works hard, is good with the kids etc; it all counts for nothing if he has a problem with drink.

Yes I think he has a drink problem. But I don't feel that I can raise it with him as I drink too much too. We're both binge drinkers. I would say he drinks more often than me but neither of us really has an off switch when we get going.

I cleaned up the urine. He was mortified the next day about everything. This time he says it was different as he stopped drinking early on and paced himself. He certainly wasn't in a state that he's been in before. His friend is a big binge drinker. I hate it when they go out together for that reason.

rainbowmedia,

It was not your job to clean up his urine; that was simply enabling him and shielding him from the consequences of his actions. Enabling him like that does not help him and you for that matter because it only gives you a false sense of control.

I would think that the vast majority, if not all of his friends, are binge drinkers and that in itself is a problem.

Do you think that your own drinking is something that has been learnt from your own parents; are they heavy drinkers too?. Do you feel more in control of your drinking now or is alcohol still controlling you?. Have you yourself sought outside help?.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he was really upset about it the next day and I'd also cooled off by then. I thought I'd give him another chance. To be fair he definitely reined it in kat night in terms of drink however it's had a huge impact on me in terms of me missing work and being up worrying what time he'll get in and in what state. Then he has made me feel really guilty about his friend's problems and that he was being there for him especially when he rarely goes out.

I've just had to wake him up as he starts work at 12 so it's going to be late. He said he's very tired! He's managed to get nearly 8 hours sleep out of this

I know I shouldn't have cleaned it up but the kids would have got up so I wasn't going to leave it. Plus I guess it was another thing for me to be pissed off about with him that I had to clean it up iyswim.

Both my parents and his are heavy drinkers. If my dad is drinking anything that is not alcoholic I think he must be ill! I haven't sought help. I've only very recently come to the realisation that we both drink too much. I'm not really in control of it when I start to drink. I never think I'm as tipsy as I think I am until the next day.

All of our circle of friends are big drinkers, that's how we socialise.

I would not have woken him. Shielding him like that is the very last thing you should be doing. How many times have you already covered for him before now?. How many more times before you yourself say enough?

You need to let him feel the very real consequences of his actions; you are really acting as a care giver/mother figure to him here. Again such enabling from you neither helps you or he here.

And they are all contrite post events; words are cheap after all. Neither of them have to use drink to deal with their problems; they are actively choosing to use drink to drink themselves into oblivion. Their relationship with alcohol is unhealthy to say the very least.

Is this really what you want to be teaching your own children about relationships; that dad gets drunk on a semi regular basis and that its your job as their mother to carry him?.

rainbow

Would you now want to talk to someone like AA re your own drinking?. Do you want to seek help now for your own self?. You seem more ready than your DH to admit that this is a problem, you seem to be starting to take ownership of this.

That is part of the problem too; your social lives are involved with and around drink and drinkers primarily. That is also going to have to ultimately change; you both need to socialise with other people who are not necessarily drinkers. A complete change of friends and scenery is needed for you both.

So what are you angry at. My reading seems to be a very unfortunate confluence of events.

Baby being awake but him being the usual night person but being out so you had to deal with it? Should this be something that is looked at in future. You said the grandparents get the children when you go out, so perhaps the same when he does?

If he has changed his drinking habits since the kitchen pee incidence was it only because of who he was with that caused you to be more worried about his drunken state than usual? Is there a big trust issue with the kids and the drinking? Has he failed on that front recently (since the kitchen pee)?

I think that this is something that needs talked about when both of you are calm. From his perspective he was doing what was, in the framework of your relationship, allow. Going out but being ok for looking after kids. From your perspective there is a trust/behaviour problem that means you have concerns.

At the moment I don't feel that I'm at the stage to get help. This is something I need to think about. And probably attempt to broach our drinking with DH.

scottish his drinking habits haven't changed. Last night was his first night out since the "incident". Although, yes, he was significantly less drunk than on previous occasions. If the night was planned and could fit in to suit all of us I wouldn't have as much of an issue. I've said to him repeatedly that it would be better if he could arrange a specific night with his friend rather than it just being announced he's going out that night as I'm invariably working the next day and there's always some drama when he gets home as a result of his night out.

It's at the stage where I dread him going out with this friend.