I can understand how suicde appeals

[honestjoan]

Two children. Marriage implosion - he's run off with someone 18 years younger. Job went at the same time. A year spent hustling for work and dealing with absent father, legal shit and as 'the main breadwinner' but currently unemployed it's all on my shoulders. This time of year sucks. I hoped to end on a positive but booze is my constant companion and the idea of relieving the pressure with a way out.... I won't, but I can understand it. I'm so fucking angry.

This too shall pass

There is more to say on the subject, but you just need comfort right now. Hugs.

Thank you stichfushion. He's off cavorting with the OW while I'm being the grown up when I'm not anaesthetising myself with wine and not sleeping worrying about keeping a roof over our heads. I just want to run away, but my children deserve better. Marriage or job - one or the other would have been bad enough. But both at once. And him in my ear about being the chief earner. I married a man child. Thank you for the hugs, I really need it right now.

Didn't want to read and run. You can do this. So many amazing strong women will be along after me to tell you how they did it - 100% believe you can too.

Thank you. Just been on the phone to The Samsritans - until my kids appeared bewildered at 2am after overhearing me. Fucking absent fathers, I'll get through this but I have so much respect for those who have already done it and for keeping it together for their children

I too didn't want to read and run, absent parents are utter arseholes.

No advice on how to get through what your going through, but I do know your children will be so grateful to you when they are older, I have a huge amount of respect for my mum and what she did for me and my brother. I also met my DP when he was a lone parent of two.

You will get through it, but you knew that already.

I know it's easy for me to say, but keep away from the booze if you possibly can x

My kids just appeared in their PJs as I was weeping down the phone to the Samaritans. The person who was my best friend, who I would have shared stuff with, is nowhere to be seen and would only have this to use against me legally. I've coped with a year of this pressure but I'm imploding. Thank you for listening x

If you are having dark thoughts then you need to seek extra support, the Dr or I think you can self refer to AMH but usually the Dr is the first port of call... what happened to you is really difficult but let's make this about you and your children don't get bogged down by anything or anyone else.
Go and ask for help.

Hopefully you are in a better place, if nothing else, because the sun was shining earlier.

You need to stop drinking. Whatever your ex has done to you, and I know its bad and selfish, but you will do worse to yourself and your kids if you keep up the high alcohol intake. Make a pact with yourself, for example, only drinking when you have another adult around, and this can be as simple as an adult at the end of a texting or mumsentting thread. And stick to it.

You are doing amazingly well. A year of such crap and you havent imploded. You are strong and capable. Dont let his twattishness destroy your life. Remember, only you are in charge of how you react, not him.

Go see your GP, or self refer to counselling services. Or, and I know this is something most people might be totally against, but its a thought, try your local church, even if you arent christian. There are counsellers there and you might find it quicker that way than nhs mental health services.

This will eventually pass, and you will be a stonger and different person to the one you were. Stay strong.

Thank you darknanny and stichfushion. I really frightened myself last night. You are right -I need to stop drinking. It's doing nothing to help me. Admitting that I need help feels huge and terrifying. I've kept it together all year, with the odd panic attack, but I feel absolutely overwhelmed and the panic about money means I freeze which means I don't chase up job opportunities which means I panic even more. I don't know how to break this cycle. I just want to be a great mum to my kids and to provide for us all and I feel like I'm failing on both fronts. I can't remember what it feels like to be happy and to feel secure.

Hi honestjoan Others are right. You've done very, very well. Because what you went through, and what you're doing through, is wretched. But, yes, it will pass. (Speaking from experience ..) You will feel happy and secure again, you will do.

Limit the alcohol, please, for your sake, your health and for your children.

Family anywhere that can offer support/a change of scene?

Your kids, by the way, will do what kids do. Try to protect you, always love you. I hope that you three have a good Christmas. Put your ex out of your mind if you possibly can. The more you can get on with the positives - like you being here (thank goodness you are) and having loving kids and the beauty/interest that you see around you - the weaker your ex will be. Until, one day, he becomes almost irrelevant, at least as far as you are concerned. (Been there ..)

Hugs from me, too.

Sometimes feelings are erroneous. They're all too easily scrunched up into the "everything" that has battered you this year. The man-child saying whatever he's saying about you being the Earner has tied the two traumas together in your emotions, made them one. But they aren't one. Plus you didn't fail on either count. He scuttled off and work let you down. THEY failed you!

He's been a twat and you've had damn bad luck but you know what? You'll recover. You'll get your feelings back under your control and soon enough you'll launch into applying for something even if you're still quaking inside. Then you'll get an interview and, still quaking, you'll attend ... then, whatever happens, you'll realise you're alive again and stepping back into your new life. Even better, you'll appreciate being without the twat!

If you need help in the immediate now then ask the GP. If you need to just breathe some fresh air and remind yourself of who you really are and who you'll be soon, above and beyond the shit thrown at you - do it.

Are you getting child support from your twat ExH? If not you need to sort that asap. How old are the kids?

I may sound mercinary, but you need to take your ExH to the cleaners. You are entitled to half his pension etc. Let me find the advice I gave on another thread to copy and paste. I'll be back....

You need your Solicitor to draw up a Separation Agreement, listing all your wants/terms and they send it to his Solicitor. Do not trust him to sell the house and give you money. You MUST do everything formally. It will cost about £1500.

Child Benefit is always paid to the Mother.

When you sell the house and split the proceeds, you are entitled to more cash than him because :

a) You are entitled to "economic recompense", as you gave up your career to care for the kids and he did not. This means you have been financially disadvantaged and you get compensated for this.

b) You are entitled to more cash, to account for his Pension. If he has a Pension that's bigger than yours, you get the cash equivalent.

eg....House sells for £400,000
His Pension = £150,000 as at the date of split
Your pension = £0

So, total assets = £550,000

Means you get £275,000 each.

Your whole £275,000 is in cash (from house sale proceeds)

He gets £125,000 cash
Plus £150,000 pension

This last thing was what enabled me to leave ExH. He had a big pension and I did not. Simply because I had worked Part time for years raising his kids.

Of course there may be other assets too. If your car is cheaper than his, take that in to account too.

Good luck!

ps) you really do need a shit hot Solicitor, they are worth their weight in gold. If you can't afford it, I'd suggest borrowing the money as you know it's only a matter of time before you get cash from the house sale.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I am too but like you I would never do it. Too cowardly and I have had a close family member succeed. The pain of that was unbearable and still is to this day. I can never put in words how much this death affected me. Please remember your children. Keep them in your mind to help you. Secondly please reach out. See your gp. Get anti depressants, referral for counselling or try and get in touch with mind for support. Well done for phoning the samaritans. You have done so well and got so far. You have survived even though it has been a terrible struggle. Hold your head up high and be proud of your amazing and highly sufficient self. Even if you aren't I am proud of you for getting through all that and being there for your children. What an amazing person you are!!!

And to help with the panic attacks please download headspace. There are 10 free exercises on it and it helps me so so much. Don't leave the next one until the day after. Do them as many times as you need. I suffer panic attacks and the man's voice calms me so much. No music and nothing patronising. Just listen and he gives you talks and methods on mindfulness. Good luck and pm me if you need any other tips. Xx

Thank you so much for your messages and advice. I am reading but have a sick child next to me - I will reply properly when DD has calmed down. I cried in front of ex when he came round to see the DCs before bed. I'm so mad at myself.

Please try not to be so hard on yourself. You are only human and feeling very vulnerable. He is a big source of your troubles as well. So no wonder it came out like that. Hope your dc feels better soon xx

Hello, I've been where you are. Husband fucked off at short notice (good riddance!), lost livelihood, horrific consequences, and I struck up an intense relationship with the bottle. Can definitely recommend kicking the bottle into touch (or at your ex ) - it really does make things harder than they already are. After that things get more manageable.