Surely this can't be fair??

[Sassypants82]

I calmly & rationally tried to discuss the division of housework in our house this evening with DH. I said I was feeling overwhelmed & need more help. We have a 2.5yr old & I'm 24 weeks pregnant & despite being well, I have back pain & am generally big & less mobile. I do all the cooking & find that all the general tidying etc falls to me too. If DH clears dinner dishes, they'll never quite make it into the dishwasher, but stay on the counter, with uneaten food still on them etc. I asked him to unload the dishwasher this evening, so he could clear last night's dirty dishes so I could get on with cooking dinner. He does it, but with bad grace generally & resents doing it 'on my timetable'. He feels he should do it as he wants to himself. He understands the rationale of clearing the work surface, but even so, feels that I should understand that he will do it when he feels like it & I shouldn't expect or ask for it to be done just because I need it to be. I do the lion's share of the child care when DS is with us (in creche full time as) we both work full time - equal hours but my day is slightly longer with travel on public transport while he uses our car. His job is more responsible & he is very, very busy & earns roughly one third more than I do, if it's relevant. Financially, everything is joint, pooled & we each have exactly the same leisure funds & agree on large purchases & all that. At the weekend, he will hoover the whole house & mop etc & I'll contribute by doing bathrooms, dusting etc. I do alot of the washing but he would do it too as it needs to be done. As usual, tonight's discussion ended up with him telling me all the areas where I don't support him, where he feels I'm unfair & the impact on him & how he's mentally just about hanging in there. While that's valid, it's the way every discussion ends without any consideration to what I initially raised, ie I need him to pull his fucking weight! He also said that my being tied up with caring for our toddler is exactly what I created & it's just inconvenient to me now, because I'm tired etc and that I've created a situation where my DS wants me only to do the likes of bedtime, dressing him & just generally being with him. Obviously I didn't purposely create that situation but DH seems to think it was a conscious effort to ensure I so most of the care. Truth is, I feel like I'm being done a favour if he does that stuff. I get that's my own issue however. He & DS have a great relationship & we three spend loads of family time together.
DH is just lazy & defensive when I raise it. I'm sick of it & so fucking insulted & hurt that it still happens despite him knowing that I feel overwhelmed with it all.
It's so frustrating even raising it when the discussion ends up being turned right around on me & I end up receiving a lecture about how shit I am.
Feeling very uncared for & understand I may be hormonal but surely this isn't right?
I feel so frustrated & honestly can continue for another 40 years like this!
Otherwise we've a great marriage I think. But this does my head in. I'd appreciate any advice. Thanks.

Hi Sassy.

I've been with my man for 14 years, im 31 weeks pregnant with a 15month old. Granted im a stay at home mom now but my goodness they are all the same!

My man does close to nothing when he gets home. He thinks its all easy. Seriously won't even put the dirty plates on top of the dishwasher it's a waste of breath.

You have very valid points, you're not going crazy. In an ideal world he would pick up the slack and listen up. However, in my opinion talking about it after a long day is likely to end up as you have mentioned, try the weekend and maybe tell him that you wouldn't mind if he did more of the bedtime routine or occupying your lo so you could do a bit more if he preferred. But, as you get bigger it's only going to get worse, realistically with you both working he needs to help you more, you both wanted a 2nd.

Also try not to dwell on it too much because it will drive you nuts and if you're anything like me you'll be in the spare bedroom for the night!

Give yourself a break and let it pile up a little 😘

It's not fair.
There is of course the deeper issues of the situation you describe, but as a symptomatic solution, could you get a cleaner?
For us it is an extravagance, but definitely a relationship saver. Housework is a battleground for us, but having someone in for a couple of hours once a week makes such a difference. especially as you are both working full-time.

Its not fair. He is being a twat. Running a home and raising children is a joint effort. He is gaslighting you.

If conversations end up futile and heated, I think I would draw up a list of jobs that you do in the house and then ask him to do the same. That way it's in black and white, and undeniable.

Personally I would aim for equity of free time and not worry about when he does his share too much, as long as his chores are done. I would hate someone telling me when to do the ironing or vacuuming or dishwasher emptying too.

Your situation is not unique unfortunately, but one thing I will say, is that when you're an adult, it's nice to be able to do stuff when you want to, so I understand his viewpoint to a certain extent.

When I was a kid at home, I sometimes felt tired and didn't want to do the dishes ... but I had to otherwise my mum would go mad. Now, I can leave it till the next morning.

Men and women should feel the difference in living in their own home. That's not to say that the place should be a mess though.

One tactic suggested was that unless the dishes are done, that the wife refused to cook in an untidy kitchen.

Being pregnant does add to the annoyance with all this though.

So by asking him to do his fair share you're driving him to a mental beak down? Really? Well that's teaching you to know your place isn't it! You see this work is beneath him and you are too, which is why it's your job. I'm not sure men like this can change, I'm sorry.

I'm sure this would go down like a lead balloon, but if he wants to do it on his timetable, let him. BUT you will need a strong resolve not to tidy them up! See how long they stay there for! Don't nag etc just leave them. I'd also be petty and not make his dinner or do anything for him until you want to. It may make him realise the extent of his bad attitude (but maybe not!).

My hubby, when leaving stuff just by the dishwasher or washing machine, will say 'but it will only take a second to put in, why couldn't you do it? I reply asking why his second is more important than mine! In terms of the washing he is the one that looses out when I don't put it in and wash it and he needs it! Doesn't happen so much now! Like children some people need reminding that actions have consequences!

The other thing is that I changed my attitude and reduced my tolerance level to mess about a year after he moved in for my own sanity!

Thanks for the responses, it's great to get a bit of perspective. With regards to asking him to so it on my timetable, usually I wouldn't, only last night it was so that the space would be available for me to cook & so that I could put stuff in the dishwasher as I was going along. I actually phrased it 'will you give me a hand unloading the dishwasher?' he then said he'd do it by himself & then just fucking didn't. Instead sat reading something that was not an immediate priority. Usually I'd say nothing & just get in with it, more fool me. Then to come down after putting the toddler to bed & he's on his arse on the couch & there's food unscraped on dishes on the counter? It's just so enraging. I calmly said 'do you think it would be fair for you to clear up while I do bedtime? It saves me having to do it before starting cooking tomorrow evening' the reason I try & get the dinner on & out as soon as possible is because HE suggested we do everything earlier so we've a calmer lead in & wind down to bedtime. So although I point this out, he expects me to somehow manage it all.

Re getting a cleaner - great idea & something I just have to do. We moved last year & I never got round to finding anyone, but had help before & it was great. However, it doesn't solve the crux of our argument which is the day to day.
I just feel so resentful. I hate having to point this shit out too, I really feel I shouldn't have to. He sneaks off every evening to have a sit down & watch of the news & clearly doesn't care that there's a kitchen to clean before I start cooking. I refuse to believe he just doesn't see it. He makes a choice, every time.

He's great with DS, will entertain him etc but he's generally happier hanging around me while I cook.

Anyway, lots to think about, thanks again.

What happens if to you go an sit down beside him?

He really is out of order if this is a regular issue. I'm 36 weeks pregnant and basically stayed on the sofa for most of the day yesterday. He came home from work - emptied the dishwasher, filled the dishwasher, wiped the kitchen worktops, cooked dinner and walked the dog.

He didn't make a single word of complaint apart from that he's shattered. He's right - he's exhausted, he's been working so hard lately but he knows that he needs to pick up the slack from time to time. Admittedly I did have a particularly hard day yesterday and I'm feeling better today so have already done several household chores.

I guess it's about give and take. He's entitled to be lazy about the housework occasionally as long as he returns the favour for you. That's how we work anyway - but it does only work if one person doesn't start taking the piss about it

First of all, stop just doing it for him. That is why he is siting there as he assumes you will just do it.

We have had to change the way we do things as I've gone back to work after 4 years at home and I'm 24 weeks pregnant with number 3.

We set ground rules (that we agreed). One does bedtime, the other one tidies up and gets dinner started.

The one who cooks doesn't clear up the dishes.

We clear up from dinner and have kitchen tody before doing anything else.

Laundry duty is split down the middle. We fold washing in front of the to on night a week (he does his and one child, I do mine and the other child).

Luckily my husband is a bit of a clean freak, so he literally cannot sit in a dirty kitchen.

It's taken a while to get to this point (I've been at work a year!) and I've just added in additional tasks as I've gone along.

And get a cleaner! Makes life much easier and much less arguments!

I'm struggling to understand you first post. Because you basically explain that your husband is a lazy selfish patronising shit and you don't wat to spend the next 40 years like this.

And then you conclude with " but we have a great marriage " .

I can't really see how you have a great marriage . I'm assuming you are like most people with a job and 1.5 children. 95% of your life is taken up with work, running a house and looking after the kids.

If he's crap at doing his share of housework and childcare , then he's a crap husband . Even if he is just amazing in bed but you will be so pissed off with him because of how he treats you the rest of the time, it won't work.

Thanks again. Kr1stina, I suppose what I mean is, this is the one area of our marriage that I find challenging while other areas of our relationship don't worry me
So while I resent his laziness with the day to day, he's really supportive of my career. He's really good to my parents, he really enjoys my friends & encourages me to see them as much as possible. He's really supportive of my education & doesn't resent the time my studies take up. He's very generous, kind etc etc. I don't feel he patronises me. I think he's lazy at times & tries to get away with as much as he can, which definitely isn't fair.
He's a wonderful father, he has made a lot of sacrifices to get us to where we are (as have I) & I appreciate it all but just don't believe it comes at the cost if pulling your weight at home fair & square.

I think when one thing annoys us, we focus on that and forget the good stuff.

I'm glad that he's not a lazy git in all areas of his life. But as you say, being nice to your parents ( chatting politely to them a few times a year ) does make up for him treating you like a slave 365 days.

And I see that by " support" you mostly mean " he doesn't stop me doing what I want in my spare time " , rather than stuff he actually does.

But he's not a wonderful father if he won't clean up the kitchen , because his child or his pregnant wife might get ill. Or wash the dishes so they can eat off clean plates.

I see you have tried talking to him and it has made no difference . His reaction is to say " I'll do it when I want to , not when it needs done " . Which is is the same as saying " it's not my responsibility , housework is beneath me , I'll leave it until the slave does it " .

So if talking hasn't worked, you will neee to take action. All I can suggest is that you stop doing all areas of housework and wifework that affect him. And never do anything that is HIS responsibility.

I realise you can't do anything about his avoiding his share of childcare, in that you cant just leave your toddler unsupervised .

So if he doesn't wash the dishes and clear up, don't do it. And don't cook for him either. Personally I'd just make soup and a sandwich for myself and toddler. Or I'd have a large meal at lunchtime at work and just make myself and toddler a snack.

If he asks where dinner is , say " I want to do it when I feel like it, not when you are ordering me to . Why are you such a nag? "

Or " there wasn't enough space on the worktop because of last nights dishes " .

Or " I assumed you didn't want dinner as you didn't wash the dishes " .

Stop doing all his washing and wait until you feel like doing it. Or start and then decide to sit down a watch TV in the middle .

Don't do any wifework , like cards or presents for any of his family . He needs to do it when he feels like it.

This is REALLY TOUGH because you have to put up with your house being a mess. And it feels petty to put washing in the machine and leav his lying in the basket .

It it's not nearly as petty as a grown man saying " I'll do the dishes when I say so and not when you say so. "

But you have tried words and they are not working. And you onlyhave a few months before baby is here and you will have no time to deal with a spoilt lazy teenager .

Go to paper plates/cups and plastic flatware (or not). It will lessen the work load considerably.

It is really tough with babies and being pregnant. Something has to give. The circumstance is temporary though...yes, for a few years-but time will go by and things can shift back (somewhat) to pre-baby expectations. But that will be then (and pre-baby standards was a "then" too), this is now -quite "in your face" living in the present.

If he can not alter his attitude, then I'd go with what Kr!stina said.

Do you know if your dh is an introvert? If so, the at home time is a necessary decompression and recovery period to charge up for the next day. My dh is this way; also a workaholic. He does do home maintenance at the weekend (and cleans all bath rooms, bless him). He does not complain about the state of the house (I am not the best housekeeper).

Thanks again everyone. All of what you're saying makes sense. I'm also very aware of not allowing at 'atmosphere' to develop in the house around my child. I am always quite eager to get situations sorted immediately because I don't want my son having to feel bad vibes. This also causes me to often not say anything & just seethe inside until I have to say something. We'll see how the weekend is. He did say he'll make more of an effort but not on my timetable.

I'm also very aware of not allowing at 'atmosphere' to develop in the house around my child. I am always quite eager to get situations sorted immediately because I don't want my son having to feel bad vibes. This also causes me to often not say anything & just seethe inside until I have to say something

I know this is well intentioned, but I think it's a recipe for disaster in a marriage, especially with a man like yours. So you never deal with any issues, because if you do he sulks and causes and an atmosphere?

All that seething inside will make you ill. And the squashed down anger and resentment will kill any feelings you ever had for your H.

And as to his plan to make an effort but not on your timetable, I suggest you do the same. Do everything at a time that suits you , not him. See how that works out .

Who does the nursery pick ups and drop offs ?