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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this behaviour controlling?

12 replies

LastChristmas99 · 08/12/2016 20:23

Been with DP for 3 years, we don't live together. I have a grown up DD. He lives with his brother.

He can often be rude and uncaring and selfish - things like not letting me know if/when he's coming to mine despite me asking (he usually spends between 3 to 4 nights here) not planning anything, changing his mind when we have planned things or sulking all the way through them, such as a cinema trip last week.

His behaviour becomes very childish, he refuses to talk or communicate unless HE wants to, talks down to me and goes silent for days on end if I ever voice my displeasure at something he does.

It gets to the point where his behaviour really upsets me but I feel I can't say anything because he'll sulk or ignore me for days. If I bring it up face to face, he will become vile, shouting and arguing and verbally backing me into a corner so I stay quiet and after a while it all builds up and I end up having an argument about something stupid (tonight was petrol!) when it's not about that at all.

It's the same cycle and has been for the entire time we've been together and it's starting to get me down. Surely if someone does something which makes you unhappy, you should be able to tell them without being made to feel like shit?

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 08/12/2016 20:25

Less controlling and more abusive TBH!
Grown adults don't scream and bully others. Unless they are complete arseholes.

Hermonie2016 · 08/12/2016 20:36

A healthy and safe relationship is where issues can be discussed.
Have you tried to break up before?

(I'm newly separated and it scary how many awful abusive men are out there!!)

EmeraldIsle100 · 08/12/2016 20:36

It's abusive and you do not have to tolerate it. It won't get better. Sulking and ignoring you for days is abuse and you deserve so much more.

Funnily enough he sounds just like my EXH. I lived with the sulking, shouting, arguing, being backed into a corner to stay quiet resulting in aggressive arguments from him.

I left and guess what, my life was instantly so much better. This was nearly 18 years ago and I am so happy. I wouldn't put up with that behaviour again for 5 minutes.

He got worse with age and is still a cranky bully. His own DC give him a wide berth.

You really deserve better and I would urge you to consider whether you get any joy from this relationship. I hope things work out for you. Flowers

lookatyourwatchnow · 08/12/2016 20:42

Why are you with him OP?

HandbagCrazy · 08/12/2016 20:52

It's abusive. Tactics like this are designed to make it more of a hassle to bring things up so that in the end, the arguements aren't worth it and you just stay quiet.
My guess is that you're always second guessing if what he did really was that bad or are you over reacting? Could you have brought that issue up differently without causing a row? How do you feel so angry with him but when the discussion starts, you can't work out why you thought this was his fault?
It's awful, abusive behaviour. LTB

LastChristmas99 · 08/12/2016 20:57

When it's good, it's wonderful. But when it's bad, it's awful. We've broken up twice before and I've really struggled whilst he's appeared to be fine. I'm ashamed to say I've asked him to come back both times.

Part of me knows I'll be happier in the long run but those first few weeks without him just destroy me, despite knowing what an arse he can be.

OP posts:
midnightswirls · 08/12/2016 21:06

This is emotional/mental abuse. I'm currently in a refuge because of my emotionall bullying ex. He used to sulk, back me into a corner with arguments. Felt like I was walking on egg shells. Look up what's abuse on women's aid. I bet you can tick a lot of them off. Maybe give them a call, speaking to them helped me realise what I was going through wasn't normal or healthy

jadeyty · 08/12/2016 21:13

You should be able to talk to each other openly about issues either one of you has in your relationship. If you don't feel you can, there's something wrong. You can't just keep bottling things up - it'll wear you down.

lookatyourwatchnow · 08/12/2016 21:21

*Those first few weeks without him destroy me
*
But he's destroying you anyway.

ChuckGravestones · 08/12/2016 21:27

Dont make it 4 years. End of.

Montane50 · 08/12/2016 21:33

Read first paragraph, verdict is leave-and dont bother to ask, just leave.

Dragongirl10 · 08/12/2016 21:55

please leave and stay away.

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