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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Verbal self-defence

8 replies

thisismyYuleTimenickname · 08/12/2016 17:58

How/where can one learn how to respond to put downs/ verbal abuse as an adult?
Despite my age, I notice that I keep having trouble with what to say when someone is rude, aggressive or verbally abusive - and also to recognize it completely as it happens. I grew up in a household where you weren't allowed to react negatively even when your parents were dumping all their rage on you. So I never know when or how to react, usually apologize or try to smooth over the situation.
I'd like to be more assertive but that would involve knowing when you're "allowed" to protest someone's behaviour towards you. I'm afraid of overreacting and worsening a situation.
Therapy has been pretty useless in this case as it didn't involve learning such skills.
Anyone know any resources or books or such? I'm tired of people dumping their crap on me emotionally.

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NotTheFordType · 08/12/2016 18:17

Is there any particular "type" of person this happens with - colleagues, customers, your DC, your boss? Because your response will need to be different, for example, to a child who may be testing boundaries, than with an adult customer who must regrettably be dealt with unfailingly politely.

thisismyYuleTimenickname · 08/12/2016 18:26

It's a general problem Sad
But I'm thinking mostly about adult relatives, partners, acquaintances and collegues.

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redexpat · 08/12/2016 22:07

Nice girls dont get the corner office is a good one to start with. Obviously the focus os work but im sure some of it can be applied to your personal life.

redexpat · 08/12/2016 22:09

Had similar in school. Any challenge was seen as rude, yet no one would ever explain why. So im not good at challenging either.

thisismyYuleTimenickname · 09/12/2016 13:34

Thanks for the book recommendation, redexpat!

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Sn0tnose · 09/12/2016 16:58

Adult relatives, partners, acquaintances and colleagues can all be dealt with in the same way. Politely but firmly and with no room for messing about. You don't depend on any of them to pay your bills, so you don't have to accept any level of rudeness from them (unlike if your job was dealing with the general public for instance).

I've spent 20 years working in a field where it's necessary for me to occasionally regularly be very firm and to make it very clear that I won't tolerate any nonsense, all the while being polite.

Do you have a look? I mean the sort of look a stern old lady would give you, looking at you over the top of her glasses? Channel your inner Miss Marple. I know it sounds mad, but I have one (including one eyebrow raised) and if I ever use it, the person I'm looking at is left in no doubt that they've over stepped the mark. Coupled with maintained eye contact and a firm, confident 'I beg your pardon?' it works wonders. Also, use the broken record technique. If someone is trying to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do, say no. Repeatedly. Never make up an excuse or tell them that you'd do it if you could, or that you're really sorry you can't help them because that gives them an opening to try and change your mind. If you're not confident enough to refuse an explanation, tell them that it's just not going to work for you and repeat until it sinks in. If an acquaintance is being unpleasant and it's not out of character (everyone can have an off day) drop them. You owe them nothing, they aren't important enough to you to have established an actual friendship with them, why would you accept that from them?

I think that people who aren't used to challenging people on their rudeness can often find that people get very upset with them when they start because they aren't used to you standing up for yourself. Don't give up or you'll be in a worse position than before; still being treated badly but with no confidence to change things.

I think identifying when it's appropriate to put someone in their place and when it would be better to just smooth things over or remove yourself sharpish is a skill that you'll learn in time and with practice. It will come.

Bluntness100 · 09/12/2016 17:12

I think you are referring to assertiveness training and you can google courses near you, or even good books on the subject.

thisismyYuleTimenickname · 11/12/2016 11:29

Channel your inner Miss Marple.

Haha nice idea!
Yes it's about being assertive isn't it.

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