I'm so alone...

[MotherBearAndBabyBear]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and desperate for advice. I'm going to be completely honest and open with you all in the hopes of bettering myself.

Long story short I've had OCD with intrusive thoughts and on-off depression (diagnosed by doctor) since I was raped at 13 years old the men that did it were never caught (I haven't seen a therapist). Because of this I have been/am very wrapped up in my own head and lost the friends I had, since then I've never made any more friends because I have serious difficulty with face to face chat.
...
I get anxious that people don't like me even if I've never met them before and I find conversation difficult and very taxing (I literally need to sit down after and breathe) , My partner told me I ramble on a lot, talk very quickly if I'm passionate about the subject and go off on irrelevant tangents that get hard to follow so people don't enjoy talking to me. Now I'm a 20 year old stay at home mum of an 11 month old and just found out I'm 6 weeks pregnant, so I really feel like my chance of connecting with other people and making life long friends is slipping away.

My family is cold and distant (I was kicked out and made homeless at 16 for kissing a boy at school and forced to get a job at McDonalds where I slept in the stock room until I got myself somewhere to rent) so the only people I have in my life is my son and my partner.
That's it.
I really love the life I have built for myself but I do feel lonely, I feel sorry for my partner because I talk his ear off, and having no friends makes me clingy because when he goes to work I feel so alone, sometimes I feel...well I know that I drive him away and that scares me so much.

I've tried making friends with my partners friends girlfriends (what a mouthful) but they all have their own lives set up with their own group of friends from childhood, school or work and it seems to be this way with everyone I meet and I cant infiltrate these little groups of friends, its almost as if they are holding a sign saying no strangers allowed...
It doesn't help that I've always been a geek and wrapped myself in fantasy games and movies like a security blanket (world of warcraft, warhammer, Dungeons and Dragons, lord of the rings etc) .
I have more in common with guys than girls so maybe I'm targeting the wrong audience?

I really need to better myself for my sons sake, I want him to make friends as he gets older and its my job to set a good example for him which I am failing at so hard right now. I need help with socialising and being a person that people are more inclined to have a conversation with. I'll change whatever I have to about myself to achieve this goal.
I want to know how to make friends and keep them and where to go to find people with similar interests (babies, pets, fantasy games/movies)...

I know this is a shot in the dark, But even help with just one of these issues would be fantastic for me.
Thanks for reading all of this, even if no one can give me advice its nice to get this off my chest for a while, I think I'll go pour myself some wine now

You sound lovely as you are so I'd start by thinking about the positives in your character - how about kind, loving, thoughtful, aspirational? because these qualities come across in your post very clearly.
Next, how about some self help books and some counselling? You've suffered a terrible, terrible trauma and should access professional help to overcome what you've so very sadly suffered.
And finally, practise being a good listener. Most people love to have someone who will really listen to them rather than talk at them. Try it on your partner and get him to help you to become a better communicator.

Thanks Athena, really insightful advice. I think I do talk at people and try too desperately to get myself heard rather than listen to what they have to say about themselves. I'm going to ask my GP about local counsellors. Do you have any self help books you can recommend? if not I can probably find some on the rest of the web.

I second that - you sound like a lovely person.

Don't panic - you've had a difficult time over the years, and of course this has made it harder for you to meet people and make friends. Do you go to any mother and baby groups? These are often a good way of meeting people in a a fairly relaxed way.

Don't forget that lots of people feel the same way - not everyone is very confident in themselves but they learn to cover it up! Good luck.

How about trying 'meetup' and look for groups with your interests?

At 20 you are very young.
Have you tried looking into a career path.
Nursing, social work, etc.

Most colleges will have provisions for students with children.

I don't think you should try and change yourself. That is too hard to maintain. There are many people with the same interests as you. Have you tried mother/baby groups?

Op you are incredibly brave to come on here and open your heart like that!

You sound lovely! I have recently come to realise that I am on the autistic spectrum (I have a lovely nine year old son who was diagnosed with autism three years ago ), as a result I am anxious and can be socially awkward. The excited rambling about my favourite topics is definitely one of my traits and one common with others on the spectrum. Here are some links on girls/ women on the spectrum;

www.specialneedsjungle.com/autism-in-pink-helping-to-identify-undiagnosed-girls-with-asd/

mindchecker.channel4.com/test-autism.html

www.amazon.co.uk/Aspergirls-Empowering-Females-Asperger-Syndrome/dp/1849058261

www.wired.com/2001/12/aqtest/

It may be that you dont identify with any of the above, or it may be that you can perhaps begin to understand why you find socialising so tricky. My advice would be to look carefully at your favourite topics, if you love reading you could join a bookclub online or local. If you can find a group with an interest in the same genre all the better! You could also look at Facebook groups. I have met several friends online whilst joining groups on autism, I can talk to them online and it has really helped me to be able to chat to friends without leaving the house (I am severely disabled and bed bound).

Another thing that has made a huge difference in my life was referring my family to the charity home start. I was newly disabled with a 2 year old dd and a four year old D's. I was assigned a lovely volunteer who came once a week to take me to a local toddler group and keep me company/ help me out in the house. My volunteer has become a dear friend who still visits me once a week five years later! I will link to the charity below

www.home-start.org.uk

Mother/baby groups are a good idea. How did you meet you DP?

thank you so much everyone for leaving such useful advice. I'd never really considered baby groups so I'm going to start attending one locally.
mummyto2monkeys - that does sound like a possibility that I'm definitely going to look into, I'm going to have to ask the GP about that one. Thanks for the link for home start that sounds like it might help me out a lot!