I Feel Terribly Guilty

[WorldsWorstGrandaughter]

But I hate visiting my very elderly Granddad in his care home.

My Gran died 11 years ago so he'd been on his own for a few years until he got so forgetful/poorly that it was getting dangerous and my Aunty decided he needed to go into a home.

I haven't been to see him for months. He has no idea who I am anymore (he doesn't recognise any of us) and it's heart-breaking trying to make conversation with him when he just repeats the same sentence over and over because he can't remember having already said it.

Neither of my older brothers like going either (because the old women flock to them and it makes them extremely uncomfortable) so it inevitably fell to me to take my mum (Granddad's daughter-in-law) and my DD (5) to visit. My dad passed away 20 years ago and Granddad doesn't remember him anymore, so even if I try telling him I'm "XX's" daughter, he still has no clue who I am.

I used to pick him up once a week to take him to my mums for his tea, but when he stopped recognising any of us I was fearful of taking him out as he would give me sideways glances in the car (as in "who's this stranger and where the hell is she taking me") then we'd arrive at my mums and he wouldn't remember the way to the kitchen. He's very unsteady on his feet and I was terrified of him falling plus he has a very serious heart condition! So I put a stop to him coming for tea and instead we would go and see him for an hour once a week.

It became such a chore though (I know, shoot me now, I'm the worst person ever ) as I work full time, have a family to look after and my mum doesn't drive so I take her shopping once or twice a week. It was getting more and more difficult to fit in the visits to Granddad.... So I just stopped going.

Has anybody else been in this situation?

He has other family, my Aunty and her 2 adult children, who visit him regularly (I think, we haven't spoken for years due to a massive ugly fall out over money/inheritance).

Am I a terrible person for not going to see him? Should I make myself go even though he doesn't know me and won't remember I've been anyway?

He's being well looked after in the care home, he's fed and seemed happy the last time I saw him.

Sorry for such a long post, I just needed to get this off my chest.

It was the same with my mil. Personally, I'd drop your visits to monthly now & then only for half an hour. Let the others step up.

I know exactly how you feel. My grandmother had dementia for a few years and ended up so bad she no longer recognized anyone and could no longer speak. At that stage I visited very little as she was effectively just the husk of the person she once was. When she finally passed away it was an immense relief I'm sorry to say. It's a very cruel disease that takes away our loved ones long before they pass and it gets increasingly difficult to remember who they once were.

Don't feel guilty for dealing with the situation the way you need to, no one has the right to judge

Thanks Nobbl and Bunny

I've done a lot for both my paternal Grandparents over the years (me and mum used to go and bath my Gran and put her to bed 3 times a week when she was very poorly at the end) and I used to do meals on wheels for them (mum would cook and I'd deliver it) so I feel I've done "enough" to warrant me not visiting every week IYSWIM

I know how you feel, I was cater for my FIL who had vascular dementia until even with paid carers we couldn't cope or keep him safe, at which point he went into a home. When we'd visit we'd ask for him to be moved back to his room otherwise we'd be interrupted by other residents.

What I learnt to do was make conversation, until his speech went too, about things he was able to converse with. His more recent memories left him first and left older memories though. So I'd ask him about when he graduated university, his first job, his interests in railways or books. I mention something I'd seen on the news and ask for a reaction so there was no memory to draw on. We'd watch a bit of telly and make comments about what we'd seen. I take in things I knew would interest him as a talking point, make notes (literally) of things to chat about. I bought a bird feeder for outside his window and would refill it when visiting and we'd try to spot birds.

It's so hard watching the person you love disappear before your eyes.

Thanks Joy - you've given me some great ideas for making our visits a little bit more bearable

I've not been in your position, but I have a lot of empathy for you. It can't be easy.

I'm in a similar position with my mum - she doesn't recognise me, has no idea how often I visit and will have no memory of my visit the minute I walk out the door. I used to visit twice a week but it's dwindling to once a fortnight now. I know she's as happy as she can be, she's looked after, fed and has company. It's a very sad situation, and I feel I lost her a long time ago, although she is still physically here - don't feel guilty.

I was like that with my nana. Agree with the PP who said other residents would interrupt the visits so we started seeing her in her own room - the flip side of that is that there is no distraction whatsoever.

Once DS1 was born though it was easier as she loved babies and the timing of her being in the home coincided with my & my DSis having 4 babies between us so there was always a little one for her to cuddle.

I've been reading recently about music helping dementia sufferers, do you know what music he likes? could you download some and listen together? Does the home allow animals? If yes do you have a cuddly pet you could take? other studies have shown that stroking and playing with dogs can be particularly therapeutic.

Don't feel guilty though, you sound like a caring person who has just reached the end of her tether

So just make a point of planing topics for your visit. The other thing is that long visits aren't beneficial to either of you as your grandad won't have much concept of time. Longer visits will make you feel more uncomfortable and your grandad could stil l be capable of picking up on that.

Don't feel guilty. You have done so much. Time to think of you and your family. Still visit when you can. Take in his favourite music, or put on an old movie he will enjoy. Books with lots of pictures. Gives you something to focus on, you can talk about it. Hearing your voice would be comforting.

I personally think you should go.

Even if you just sit & hold his hand.

Having 24 hour care is no substitute for a loving connection.

I care for people with mental illness some of whom don't have any visitors. It's heartbreaking.

Your grandad is worthy of your visit ... Sorry if that sounds harsh. Please help him to have a "good" death - he will benefit from your presence .

NoMud there is no loving connection though, as he doesn't know who I am. He has no recollection that I am his Granddaughter. A stranger could walk in off the street and he would act the same with them as he does with me.

Thank you all for your suggestions and kind words

Hi OP. From what I understand, you seem to be left feeling that these visits are quite a negative experience for you, and possibly not beneficial to your Grandad either as he no longer remembers who you are.

What I would say, as someone who works in a dementia care setting is firstly that I understand how tremendously hard it is for the families of people with dementia. What I would suggest to you, if you haven't already done so, is to read a book called Contented Dementia. It has some really simple tools to make interactions so much easier, and much more positive for you and your Grandad.

You may think that because your Grandad no longer recognizes his relationship with you, that there is no value in it. I don't believe that is the case. If you feel strong enough to keep seeing him, however often that may be, you can still make his day better by being there. He may not remember your face but he probably remembers some of the emotions he associates with you as a person he loves.

As a PP suggested - talk about the things he CAN remember, even if you do go around in the same loop 20 times, because by doing that you are helping him to feel secure. This is one of the most important things for a person with dementia, who can feel like the rug is pulled from under them each time someone talks about something they've forgotten. Sticking to familiar subjects will be less stressful for you too. Plus, as family, you already know about aspects of his life he might like to talk about. Keep the visits really short if you need to.

I take my small DD out to feed the ducks. I know she is very unlikely to be able to reminisce about it with me when she is older, but I still take her because it is about how the experience makes her feel at the time, not whether she will remember it. Why would it be any different for an older person? Do what makes them happy now.

Also, as a PP said, ask to see him in his room or somewhere less communal if that's what makes the visits easier. I know I would never object to helping move a person somewhere more private in order for their family to feel more comfortable (providing the resident was happy about it too of course)

At my age, I know quite a few people with relatives on care homes. Many of them don't visit and I can totally understand why. I only visited my mother once every 2 months because I found it really uncomfortable to sit with someone who just stared back at me.

Lots of people condemn those of us who do not visit, but I say, "Don't judge unless you have been there." my advice would be to go at certain times of the year, just to ease your conscience. If you cannot do that, don't beat yourself up about it.

Just to add to my contribution in case it didn't come across as intended - if you still feel you'd rather not visit, absolutely do not beat yourself up about it. As you said, your Grandad is in specialist care now being well looked after and has other family who do visit. I for one would not judge you badly for it.

Thank you Thunder and Pith