My OCD is rubbing off on my 4 year old.

[Jailinggg]

I have OCD, have done since I was 10 (diagnosed at 13) and it has got worse, then better, then worse, etc.

I have tried 3 lots of CBT, so 36 sessions and each 12 were with different people, it hasn't helped, I'm not depressed by it and my compulsions are very strong but I don't mind giving into them. My therapist used to say that it's a good thing and that's probably how the rest of my life will be.

My son is now 4, certain things I do are rubbing off on him, nothing bad, but I don't know how to teach him that I'm in the minority and actually I'm the one who is doing it the 'wrong' way. Things like, he only owns 7 pairs of socks and each pair is for a set day and he has to wear those on that set day and I can't feed him 'messy food' and just other stuff. He's quite fine but I know it's not healthy for him and when his grandma tries to put a pair of socks on him when he is staying around, he will cry and say how they're the wrong pair and I hate that it has been drummed into him (unintentionally, it's just something I do).

I don't really know what to do. IAPT says they cannot do anymore and medication doesn't help either and my GP decided the side effects were not worth how little they were helping and they said to me that as you're not finding it distressing it's really hard to treat.

I don't know what to do

Sorry, not sure what to suggest. However, I do agree that it can't be good for your son.

Sorry, hypocrisy's a tall order for a kid.

You know children learn by example don't you?

Don't do as I do but do as I say kinda sorta works both ways.....

Small steps I would guess.
Can you at least try to start with the sock situation?
As he's 4, I'm assuming he can put his own socks on.
So leave it to him.
Just tell him, he's a bigger boy now and can decide for himself which socks he wants to put on.
Turn away and let him get on with it???
Sorry if I'm offending as I've no idea of what your OCD entails and I've never had it!

are you able to explain to him that you have OCD so it makes you do stuff that other people don't? Maybe being honest about it would help him understand that he doesn't have to things the way you do. Make a joke out of it almost and ask him to do things you can't? Like wear different socks or whatever.

Ginger - "You know children learn by example don't you?" You do know that OCD isn't a choice, don't you?

I think Stitch's comment is in the right vein - OP, I think you need to explain your OCD to your son so that he grasps that your behaviour is not "normal". You also need to take steps to stop your compulsions affecting him - is there any possible way you can get ERP? Or even just implement it yourself so that you can do things like feed him messy food?

Ginge did you read the same OP as me? The one where the OP has been diagnosed and is trying desperately to rectify this and is devastated that her son is being affected?

OP, the fact that you're acknowledging this is a huge step. I think it's about finding the right balance between letting him know that your way is 'different' and not necessarily the right way, but maintaining authority with him over other areas.
It's horrid for you small steps though, could you both try the socks as your task together?
But also- remember that many children go through a phase of being like that regardless of environmental factors. I'm a complete slattern with sock drawers but DS from around 3 has to have his very regimented and gets upset if anyone interferes.
Is your mum supportive?

Ginger an early contender there for "Cuntiest Comment of the Day"

OP it sounds like the counselling you've had has been, to put it mildly, crap. IME the NHS mental health services tend to focus on you being able to more or less function in day to day life and as long as you're doing that, job done.

I don't have OCD but have a family member who does and from what I've gathered "It's okay to give into your compulsions as long as they're not hurting you" is just complete bollocks. Every time you give into a compulsion, you're strengthening the belief that the false thoughts are real.

Would it be possible to look into private therapy? BACP is a good place to start and many therapists have sliding scale fees if money is a problem.

I have OCD though less severe at the moment so I totally sympathise. I think you need to carry on trying to fix your OCD, try other therapists and other methods, because even though you are ok with it, it is possibly damaging those around you. I think accepting your compulsions is part of the problem - you need to work towards challenging them and be motivated to do that work. As much as you say you are ok with your compulsions I'm sure it would make a huge difference to your life if you could work towards reducing your OCD. For your child I think you should see what help is available to him as he might really benefit from help. I think the main thing you need to think about is why you accept your OCD and how you could become motivated to get better, what would make you committed to getting on top of it.

Totally agree with Ford - every time you accept your compulsion you are reinforcing/worsening the OCD and to fix it you need a trained therapist to support you through the challenging process of overcoming OCD. There's lots of help through OCD UK. Good luck!

I think you need to get support with this maybe contact your health visitor there not there to judge you but if it's effecting your little one you do need to get help I am actually a survivor of OCD believe it or not I had it many years and it made me miserable no medication fixed it but getting to the cause of it did finally sorted it the thing that made mine bad was stress and unhappiness I didn't know right away that was what was fuelling it this can be beaten if you want to I know it's hard but do try think about when it started and what seems to trigger it

There are other options for treatment. Have you been referred to a psychiatrist?

DH has OCD, has really suffered for many years but it is now under control through a combination of medication and therapy. It's taken years and some very intensive treatment to get here but it is possible.

With respect, the therapist's advice sounds odd to me and is the opposite of the treatment plan H followed and that I had to engage with. I had been inadvertently making things worse by going along with his compulsions and in effect reinforcing the behaviour.

There's a wealth of resources online - have a look at the OCD-uk website, social media and forums. But ultimately you need more specialised help that it sounds like you've had so far. I hope you can get a referral to a proper psyc service.

Would it help if you chucked his socks and got a multipack of 7 all the same colour? He could then put them on himself.

Re: messy food. What triggers it for you - is it the making, feeding, or watching him eat? If you weren't involved in your trigger process would it help?

Same with the other stuff - focus what you can do and work around the problem so it's invisible for your child.

OCD is hard but as you have a child, there needs to be some kind of work arounds. You can tell a 4 year old child that it's not normal all you want, but they will still pick up on your actions.

As a therapist who specialises in treating OCD, I'm a tad alarmed by some, if not all of the comments above. I'm sorry that your experience of therapy has been poor so far. The issue for many therapists, particularly in the IAPT system, is that OCD patients don't fit the criteria they are managed by ie They often do not recover enough to count as a therapeutic success. Giving you 3 hours of your day back might make a huge difference to you as an individual, but often to the therapist and particularly their organisation whose funding relies on converting prevalence into recovery, it isn't a 'good enough' outcome. Sad, but true.

The other truth about OCD and therapists is that many have little or no idea how to tackle it effectively. I noticed that a poster above suggested trying the BACP. Psychotherapy might help establish the underlying causes of your condition, but it probably won't offer you the solutions you desperately need.

I see so many clients these days who say "I'm a little bit OCD". They are not but sadly, TV documentaries that use the condition as a source of entertainment have contributed to a growing misunderstanding of the condition.

My advice to you is threefold:

1. Buy "Breaking Free From OCD" by Fiona Challacombe. It's a great book to start tackling your condition yourself.
2. Find a therapist who specialises in OCD (I know, I would say that!).
3. Cut yourself a little slack. Lots of children develop repetitive behaviours. It doesn't necessarily mean that they will develop OCD. It is true your anxious behaviour may well affect your children in future (behind every anxious child is an anxious parent in my experience) but you are genuinely doing your best in difficult circumstances. Whilst you have this condition, it's the best you should expect of yourself.

Lots of patients make a good, if not full recovery in time. It takes patience, understanding and support, not just from professionals, but from family and friends. Good luck, I wish you well.

I may be off the mark here, although I have OCD myself, but I wonder if you do have OCD or if you have obsessive compulsive personality disorder which is a different thing. I think being distressed by the obsessions and the rituals is actually a crucial part of diagnosis for OCD.

Getting help is ideal but doesn't help the situation right now. Have you had a talk with him?
Maybe explaining it as an illness that mummy has to do things a particular way or she feels worried, but you don't have to. And mummy is going to the doctors to make her illness go away.

Ginger an early contender there for "Cuntiest Comment of the Day" hmm##

^^ That.

You can't help it, but it might be useful to look at ways you could try to not have it impact on your son so much. Like the suggestion he choose his own socks. One step at a a time. Could you buy him a big bundle and let him chose a new pair every day and then mix them in the others and let him chose? Just a tiny step. I know it's not really when you have OCD, but it might help you and him?

I'm sorry to hear you are having this problem. I also have OCD, but no children so I'm afraid I can't help you there.
I just wanted to say a big thank you to user1481562442 - sound advice.

The issue here is whether your son is ascribing a meaning to his choice of socks?

Can I suggest laying out his clothes each night for him so that he doesn't face the choice and get distressed about it. You could make this a part of a "Now you're a big boy and can dress yourself, mummy will put out your things for you" routine, with a reward for dressing himself properly and lots of fuss and praise when he manages it. It's an ideal time of year to perhaps use an advent calendar as a reward system. This might also distract him from his current routine and enable him to refocus his attention on something else which might break the cycle for him.