I don't know how to show my appreciation. Can you please help? I'm desperate

[FrazzleRock]

DP gets angry at me such a lot. We have been at war on and off pretty much since we lost our baby in February.

Every single time he gets cross he uses the fact that I do not appreciate him as ammunition. But I really do. I tell him all the time and I thank him constantly and I alwasy ask him really nicely if I need his help. When he offers his help, I am always grateful.

Bit of background info, I have two DC from a previous marriage. My DC and I live with DP. He is a wonderful step father and is much more of a hands on dad than their real dad ever was.

It just seems to him that I do not appreciate everything he does. How do I show it? I have bought him flowers as a thankyou for his help and, as I say, I am always eternally grateful to him.
But I am not doing enough and I need to know what it is I am not doing. I have asked him what I need to do but he says he is not going to tell me how to be appreciative.

Any advice would be gratefully received

I don't think that's your problem. You want to pacify an angry man, it doesn't work.

Has he spoken about how he felt when you lost your baby?

So sorry

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Sweetheart, this isn't about you, and you can't fix it. It's him, maybe grief, maybe he's just an arse.

Have you and he considered bereavement counselling?

He sounds like a dick! What's he getting angry at you for??

Oh he just does Cricrichan. Im exhausted by it if I'm honest.

In the weeks after our loss he was great. He just held me whiel I cried. I did the same for him, I still do.

But so much has happened. We had another loss in May (very early on but still shit). Then DP told me we cannot afford to raise another child after all and I have struggled with this decision ever since, crying every day. I am taking all the right steps to get my head around this decision. I am getting CBT, I am on the waiting list for counselling and I have also started talking to a Life Coach.

Problem is we keep getting more and more obstacles chucked at us. We both have had mumps, DP had Labrynthitis (ongoing), His dad has been an insensitive jerk this week which has now caused a rift between DP and I.

I am so tired and battered from it all. If I cry these days (generally I am ok, just have wobbles now and again) DP loses it with me and tells me he has had enough and can't take anymore.

He just constantly uses that 'appreciation' thing as ammo and I feel totally useless and in despair.

I'm just so tired and worn down.

We tried to go to Relate for counselling but had one initial appointment and further appointments are way over our budget, even if we stop eating we still can't affford it. And Relate are not prepared to help us. We either take sessions for that price and WEEKLY (we tried to ask for fortnightly) or nothing. So we have given up with them for now.

You both have a lot on your plate but getting angry at you isn't helping anything. He chose to be in a relationship with you and your kids, and whilst everyone should be appreciative of everybody, he's making it sound like you have to worship the ground he walks on and aren't allowed to have any feelings.

The problem isn't with you op, it's him. Sit down and have a serious conversation about where your relationship is going.

Saying thank you is showing appreciation , the next step is bowing down at his feet which is unrealistic eh!
My DH went through a stage of saying this to me... I pointed out I did appreciate him as I said thank you for everything he did and told him that's all you get I'm not grovelling, I only expected thanks in return for the things I did so why should he expect more than he was giving me?
It was one of many issues but he no longer does this, it was his issue and he worked on it.
You don't need to work on it, thank you is perfectly adequate... he needs to accept it and move on.
So sorry for your loss

I think your problem is the horrible, angry man you live with, not you at all. Does he expect you to just get over your loss when he says so? How does he show his appreciation to you?

We all have periods when everything seems shit, but as a couple you have to pull together and support each other for as long as is needed. You don't have his support, he is too selfish to see beyond his own needs. This does not make him a good father figure for your dcs.

I'm so sorry for your loss, but I don't think you will recover and live happily ever after with this man

Yes, he's an arse, would you really be worse off without him?

It sounds to me that you're both hurting. He has lost two babies, too, and probably wouldn't have got the same sympathy shown to you. This "appreciation" thing might just be the hook on which he's hanging his pain.

On top of that, you've both had bad luck with ill health. I would have suggested counselling for both of you but if Relate aren't a possibility then I'm not sure what other avenues there are? Maybe some other MNers will know.

So sorry for your losses.

OllyBJolly This is a problem as I always tell him I am here for him 100% and just because I am having a wobble doesn't mean he can't too and that I want us to be able to support eachother equally. But its like no matter what I do it is not good enough and he has not been allowed to grieve.
I honestly do not know how I have stopped him, if it even is me that has stopped him, or perhaps it is himself that has stopped him.

I am just so desperate to help him and I am so tired of being shot down by him and now by his dad. His dad told me our baby doesnt exist, basically. Despite him and the family getting excited about his step daughter's unborn child.
DP is furious with his dad, but won't back me up as he has spent too much time fighting with his dad over the years. DP says I am a big girl and need to face these battles head on. That part of the reason he fell in love with me was because of the strength he perceived in me.
But I just do not have the strength anymore, I am beaten down. All I wanted was for him to stick up for me and his baby. I have never coped well in confrontation, especially with someone like his dad.

For now just avoid his dad, your partner probably knows from experience it's a losing battle.Some people just don't under miscarriages and nothing you say will change that.I really wouldn't bother engaging with him, is he likely to become sensitive? I doubt it..Also your partner is not responsible for his dad so try to let it go.

When your partner says you do not appreciate him, ask him how he thinks appreciation is shown, what would he like to hear? Maybe it's not thankyou but something else?

If he continues then I think he needs CBT, to correct some of his negative thoughts.As you know from CBT you can't change the way he's thinking which leads to his feelings.

I understand that he may well be very unhappy, but why is he turning all his anger and negative feelings onto you? Who said you had to be his punch bag? It's not fair on you to expect you to shoulder the whole burden of unhappiness - he really needs to step here.

Don't let yourself be pushed around by an angry man.

Frazzle I remember you from the PCOS thread (I have NC).

I am so sorry for your losses

I think you need to go against your own nature here and get tough. He's making unreasonable demands of you - it's setting you up to fail to say you're not doing enough but then refuse to tell you what he actually wants / expects.

If it were me, I would tell him that you've had enough. What you've been through is awful but he's not giving you the support you need and he clearly feels you could do more so he needs to help himself now. Send him to the Gp and ask for Help With his grief and his anger. HE needs to do this though - not you.
You need to put yourself first, stop bending over backwards to keep him happy. He liked your strength? Good, you need it back, and you get that by looking after you.

I think it's important that you know that sometimes, being selfish is ok. I know when we went through our unsuccessful fertility treatment, there was a day when me and DH were making each other miserable. I was so upset, DH was furious that another chance hasn't worked out, so I left. Went and cried on my friend, had a takeaway with her and talked and talked. I left DH at home, hurting and angry. I had to, but when I got home, he had turned his anger into sorting the garden and going for a run. We were fine, it's shit but it happens

OP could it be that having lost babies that were his ( for you both) there is a tiny part of him that feels a little resentment of being the father but without the babies of his own?

I think even people who adore their step children would maybe have some negative feelings in his shoes - not intentionally or as anything against you and your children, as you say he's a great step dad. But deep down, it might be a different kind of hurt and anger that he is feeling compared to you. That might be why the 'appreciation' is suddenly needed. He maybe feels a bit on the edge of the family all of a sudden, when he was expecting a future where you would all be biologically bound together. He might not even realise it.

You've had an awful dreadful loss and I'm so sorry -and still struggling with other things - I really hope you can stay kind to one another.
On your question OP -Try searching for your language of love - 5 types, each take the questionaire and talk about your results - you might be surprised!

He needs help. He is blaming you for some or even most of the things he is feeling. No matter what you do to praise/placate him, it will not be enough.

You also need help to get through this difficult period and I hope the stuff you have mentioned helps. He needs something similar rather than couple counselling. Even some bereavement sessions would be a start I think.

I agree with OllyBJolly, you are both were hurt and grieving, and this is the moment when people often begin to feel unloved, even if they are.

There has been some great research in emotional bonding in couples and how people respond when they feel they are losing emotional connection with their significant other (often happens in moments of trauma and stress). I think this may apply to your situation. Take a look at Prof. Sue Johnson's book "Hold me tight". She is a researcher and also a relationship counselor with 75% success rate.

Basically she says that a loss of an emotional connection with a loved one triggers a panic response in our brains. And there are two possible reactions to this situation: protest ("do you really appreciate/love/care about me?")in order to receive reassurance from the partner , or withdraw, distance yourself to minimize the pain. But people often do not communicate (and often not even realize) their emotions in the way their partner understands, and that leads to a spiral of conflict.

She also mentioned that men begin to panic, sensing the loss of emotional connection, when they see their wife unhappy. This is a subconscious, primal reaction that has been recorded in brain scans.

From that point of view, your husband is probably feeling afraid he is losing you and screaming for reassurance that you still love him, that he is good enough for you.