clarity needed please

[sorryIam]

Firstly quick background dh had affair years ago, I have never forgiven him, no intention of doing so he was a twatt, however just carried on together for dcs sake. Yes I know 😞 I wouldn't advise anyone to do the same.

We have come close several times this year to calling it quits on this marriage. He is supposed to be helping me to trust him by not putting his phone on silent as this was a issue before, so this week he has dropped his phone. He tries to order new bits for it but makes a whole drama out of it, as he has set himself up with required accounts a while ago apparently details of which he keeps to himself in his work van even though we have a family password book.

There was a issue with his fb account being hacked this year with his permission I tried to sort it out, I thought password in family book it then transpires he has changed it an is now in his own password book in his van, again he claims he cant remember why he changed it! When I get into it find that ex girlfriend an her mother being trying to get into contact with him, none of this he has mentioned.

During this phone ordering mlarky I have just come in from work an was trying to watch a program on television, he wouldn't let me so in the end I stopped watching my program an ordered it through my account.
Bits for phone arrive, he mends phone which been unable to use, I notice he quickly puts phone on silent again! Why ? I could not ask him as dc present an didn't want a argument in front of dc. Just feel that after everything that has been said he is still disrespecting me. I dont need to put my phone on silent as have nothing to hide.

This has made me so depressed this week as it looks like he still lieing to me. He has been lieing about stuff at work too this year, again I called him on it an he admitted it.

Sorry for long ramble but please tell me if I have blown this out of all perspective as my head is totally screwed. Yes I know I need to LTB. Unfortunately to do so would mean I would have to leave my job an home an area I love so right now not a option.

I don't really know what to say.

At worst he is having another affair. At best he is disrespecting you and ignoring the rules put in place to help you to trust him again.

Either way, you are living with someone you don't love, like or trust. You are tying yourself in knots trying to work out whether or not he is hiding something.

I know it's easier said than done, but you need to make plans to leave. I would rather live in a tent in a field than with someone who treats me that way. None of your reasons to stay hold water, other people manage to separate in similar circumstances.

Can you agree to separate and live under the same roof?
So he can do what he wants and so can you?
Have a calendar on the wall so any social engagements are worked on a 1st come 1st served basis (within reason of course, he can't book a whole week etc... without prior agreement or every Saturday etc...) and the other has to be there for 'babysitting'
You need to detach.
You do need to eventually LTB
But in the meantime, stop sending yourself insane.
Let him get on with it and you get on with your own thing.
You can still put aside family time but this situation is doing you no good at all.

I know you say up thread I wouldn't advise anyone to do the same
I would agree, however, a lot of couples can overcome this kind of thing and stay happy together for a long time.
Your 'D'H is not upholding his end of the bargain so it's not going to work.

Can you make plans to leave at some point in the near future?
Why would you have to leave your job and move away from where you love?

Its a shame really that you did not leave him years ago; this marriage was well and truly over then. Staying for the DC was and is a truly terrible idea; it teaches them that a loveless marriage is their norm.

I would seek legal advice asap; it may well be that you would not have to leave the marital home at all or give up your job. These are also in any case no good reasons to stay; he is taking you for a fool and you are again letting him do this.

Hells bells without outing myself where we live has a shortage of houses, am unlikely to be able to afford one if one did become available. My Job is based in local area. Would not be financially viable to travel in for it.

If you haven't forgiven him but you haven't officially separated then he has nothing to lose by going behind your back.

Is marriage counselling an option?

One last shot at repairing the relationship and building trust, and if that doesn't work, then an opportunity to work out what a post-marriage living together or apart would look like.

Tried the counselling was awful and not a good counselor. Kept repeating everything back to me. It was my fault he had an affair I allowed it etc just horrid experience, has put me off trying again.

Hells bells I am sad because you're right he just not doing what he said he would to try an make it work, its the reality that he is never going to, I am forever going to be waiting for the next crap to hit the fan.

It was my fault he had an affair I allowed it
You seriously need to report that counsellor.
You hardly made your DH put his cock into another woman.
Jeeeezzzz. No wonder life is so hard sometimes.

And don't wait for the crap.
Just tell him that from now it's over.
You are basically housemates.
Set some ground rules and stick to them.
He does his share of chores.
His own washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc......
The cooking bit might not be easy but worth a try if it can work for you.

It sounds like he knows you can't leave, so isn't having to try very hard any more.

I think you should wipe that smugness off his face by leaving. There must be a way. Make a plan to work towards it at least.

I am making plans, cant live with someone I don't trust anymore.

Why do you and your dcs have to leave? Why shouldn't he go?