I posted about 18 months ago following a horrible incident with DH whereby he had forcibly had sex with me after I had definitely said no but gave in to keep the peace after he had pleaded pathetically with me. He has always to this day denied that he forced himself on me (pinned me down by sitting on my chest in fact) and that the previous year he had sex with me without consent whilst on holiday which I was v. upset about (says he can't remember). There have been other occasions over our 24 year marriage where he has pestered me for sex just the pestering is enough to turn one off. Over the years I have come to resent it and in the last 5 probably just gone along to keep the peace but always knew there was something wrong with our physical relationship. Now I am in a situation where he is sleeping in another room, we are having counselling and he is v. keen to mend the marriage but I have been v. clear that I don't want a physical relationship and can't see me changing my mind in the near future but he lives in hope - is that coercion that fact he won't let go. We have 2 DD's one at university and one still at school they know there are problems and we could split up and have both been v. good about things don't ask q"s unless we bring things up. In lots of ways we function quite well as a family talk, have meals together, have been on trips etc but it is not a normal loving family in the true sense. I am hanging in there really not to break up the family unit and stay on good terms with my OH but I know deep down I don't love him (told him as much and he looks v. sad and that makes me feel v. guilty)
Friends have listened patiently said I need to decide what I want, be honest but all seems so difficult. I want to move on but I don't want to be the one doing the breaking up and cause lots of stress for my DD's and he won't leave says if I want to separate then I should be the one to leave. I like the family unit bit e.g. family meals, birthdays, christmas, watching TV etc but I know I don't want the rest of it. What should I do stay until my younger DD leaves home or be honest and make a break now and hopefully not regret it later. I feel sad as we get on as friends but I don't find him at all attractive and just so relieved I don't have to sleep with him any more and that has not altered since the day I asked him to leave our bedroom. Christmas is now coming up and we are together I think he is hopefully we will turn the corner. We are supposed to be going to his family after christmas I am in 2 minds whether to go his sister knows we are not happy but she has never asked anything. I am thinking if I don't go to pretend everything is fine when it isn't and play along with happy families. I have been apart of his family for a long time and if I don't go it is likely I will never see any of them again (not sad about S/B but am about nieces) which feels bit sad but I supposed that is reality. He has told no one about our issues I have told quite a few GF'd plus my 2 sisters as he insisted that we didn't tell people openly until a decision was made about our marriage so have gone along with that to keep peace. '
I feel my strength is weakening the longer this goes on and will end up staying in the marriage for the wrong reasons or out of duty - I am early 50s
Advise v. welcome