Are you honest with friends? Would you say LTB in real life?

[RedYellowPinkandGreen]

I was thinking about how helpful I have found MN. I wonder if I'd ever have left my marriage without the honest support here.

I wonder if I'd known MN 15 years ago how might things have been different.

I was thinking about some girl friends who I have been friends with a long time. One I know has been open over the years about where she sees problems and although I've only seen her a handful of times in recent years has been amazingly supportive recently.

But no one else has ever commented on problems. And conversely I have been thinking a lot about one particular very lovely friend who really should have left her partner a long time ago. But 15 years in and fertility treatment underway is unlikely to how. Her self esteem is non existent.

I don't know why I never said to her, you are wasting your time. He's going to keep stringing you along. I feel I've let her down.

I just wondered, as a bunch of girlfriends, are we unusual?

Would you tell a friend if you thought her long term partner was a loser and she'd be better leaving?

Does conveying that message only work in the anonymity of online chat.

I would personally not say something like that to my closest friends. We always talk through problems we are having but I would prefer them to come to that conclusion by themselves. At the end of the day you only hear one side and you are not in their relationship so you don't understand it well enough to tell them to leave.

The obvious apart from would be domestic violence but other than that I'd be supportive and help them reach the decision themselves rather than telling them my opinion directly.

Equally I would not listen to someone either in real life or on mn telling me to leave. That would be my decision alone. I'm glad that you have found the support helpful though, I guess it's just not for me.

It depends on the friend.

Myself and my best friend are very very blunt people and we will always be honest with each other. We are both very thick skinned and wouldn't take offence if the other said LTB, she told me straight away that she didn't like an ex of mine and that she thought he was using me. She turned out to be correct.

I have another friend whose DP I'm not keen on and I think she should LTB but we have a different relationship, she is a lot more sensitive and I have to be more careful with how I say things so as not to offend or upset her. I wouldn't come out and say LTB I'd have to be more tactful.

I like to ask the right questions to lead to the right conclusion over time. No point in saying LTB. You need the person to realise for themself what's needed and prompt them to get the info they need to give them an alternative choice to staying.

... trouble is, if you say leave and they get back together as it takes s few times to make change stick then you are the bad guy and get cut off when they'll need you again to try to leave again.

I guess it's just not for me.

I don't think anyone would say it's for them. I think it's more about being in a situation where you are unable to think clearly and someone else can help you work out your situation.

Other than that I'm completely with you. I would go for helping a friend work out their own thoughts.

Of course sometimes people aren't ready to acknowledge problems but i wonder if anyone had been direct would I have seen it for myself quicker.

BitchQueen I get the different types of friends. I think with the friend i refer to she might have coped with honesty years ago but I don't think she would now.

Yes Joysmum I guess you are right.

I have told a few friends to leave,but i only do it once.I asked a few friends if they want to leave.If they say yes,we talk about practicalities and plans. With some,just that helped being more assertive and ask for changes.
I have also asked blunt questions: are you happy? Do you still love him? Is it worth it?
And i always remind the ones that are still stuck that I have a sofa with their name on it if they ever need it.

The last friend I told has not spoken to me since. She knows she should but will not do it.
More of a shame for her than me. I don't have to live with him

What a shame BumDNC.

RebelRogue sounds like a very good approach and much better than the head in the sand approach I and my friends have adopted.