Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

How do you tell your abusive husband you're leaving?

19 replies

bananamuncher · 07/12/2016 18:13

Basically I think I have to tell my husband I'm leaving. I was hoping to get away without telling him because I don't know how he'll react, and I'm a bit scared to be honest. I'm finally in a position where I can take my baby and move to my own place, but there's a part of me that wants to make him understand. I don't think I can actually get out unless I tell him its over.

OP posts:

meyourelookingfor · 07/12/2016 18:16

If you suspect you may be in danger I'd advise against telling him face to face. You could call the police none emergency and then log it that you are planning to leave. If they then get a call they know the situation.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 07/12/2016 18:19

Are you concerned that you will be at risk when you tell him? If so (and I'm prepared to be corrected) then you do the prep in secret, get your documents and whatever you need and go. Don't tell him where you are. Have you had advice from WA or dv unit?

NapQueen · 07/12/2016 18:21

You could always spray "you are a cunt" on the living room wall before you go.

But then if he is still going to be in your life for the kids then probably not the most sensible....I'd have to sit on my hands not to do it

fuzzywuzzy · 07/12/2016 18:22

By email once you're safely away.

Do not under any circumstances tell him anything before you leave. You need to be safe.

Run women's aid they'll advise you.

And well done for making the decision to leave.

Hillfarmer · 07/12/2016 18:25

Why tell him? Of course there's a part of you that wants to make him understand, but the truth is he is NEVER going to nod and say 'Yup, fair cop, I've been an abusive arse, I'm so sorry.' It is really not worth trying to reason with him. He is abusive which means he is pathologically unreasonable. You cannot reason with unreasonable - which is exactly why you're leaving, presumably.

Truly, you are doing the right thing ... but make sure the future is all about you and your baby, not him. As you get further away from this abuser, the more you will realise that a) he will never 'understand' and b) you will stop thinking you need that.

Good luck.

Blossomdeary · 07/12/2016 18:27

Just don't tell him. Do not put yourself at risk.

I know it must be tempting to give him hell, but just go and take that wee babe with you. You are very lucky to have a safe place to go - don't blow it by giving in to the temptation of telling him what you think of him.

Original poster

bananamuncher · 07/12/2016 18:36

That made me laugh, thank you :-)

OP posts:

PollytheDolly · 07/12/2016 18:37

Just leave. Why does he deserve an explanation? You know why in your mind and that's good enough.

Good luck in your new, happy life. X

user1479305498 · 07/12/2016 18:50

you have my smypathy--Im in same position without a baby as son now left home. not physically abusive in my case , just a very angry not very happy person , who I think might start throwing stuff/breaking stuff and will feel I am unjustified.

KirstyJC · 07/12/2016 18:55

Don't tell him. Just go. He'll figure it out soon enough.... stay safe.

Heirhelp · 07/12/2016 19:04

Well done for leaving him.

Definitely ring women's aid ask for advice. Do bring the police and ask to speak to the domestic violence officer. They can put a marker on their system for your old and new address so if they receive a call to that address they make it a priority. They can also advise you on safety.

You outline the reasons why you are leaving when you file for divorce.

Lweji · 07/12/2016 19:18

No, do not tell him before.

You can tell him when you're already out. He won't understand, but you can always try. Fine. Just do it from a distance and when already safe.

Remember: be safe first.

Crumbs1 · 07/12/2016 19:23

If you are afraid of physical violence, blocking your exit or trying to grab baby you should not tell him until you are away safely.
You should wait until he is definitely out for a few hours then leave quickly. Move bags of stuff he won't notice to friends house or family beforehand.
Tell Police in case he calls to report you missing and to ensure rapid response, if needed.
Once safe somewhere else (which he doesn't know whereabouts of) email to tell him you have left and why.
You might need a court order to prevent access to baby and to stop him contacting you.

jeaux90 · 07/12/2016 20:42

Ok so I did tell my abusive narc ex but his father was there who I trust to protect me and he (the FIL) even helped me move and put my curtains up. Bless him. If you do want to tell him then make sure it's with others around otherwise leave as others have said and tell him after. They never acknowledge they are wrong it's the nature of the beast. Well done for being strong, as a fellow single mum I can tell you it's soooo much better on the other side of this. And I will say to you what I say to all women in this position, relish that moment when you realise you are free. That feeling is amazing and gets you through some of the hard times you might experience when you first start out on your own. It's all worth it. Big hug xxxx

AstrantiaMallow · 07/12/2016 21:12

Don't tell him, leave.
Even after don't engage or try to explain why. He'll pretend to understand but use it to get back with you or at you. Just don't.
Look after yourself. 💐

lovebeingmum · 07/12/2016 21:20

Don't tell him. Leave a note or email saying you and the baby are safe but have decided to leave. Keep you both safe.

EasyToEatTiger · 07/12/2016 22:29

Have you got all the documentation? Your marriage certificate, your passport, your baby's birth certificate. Do you have control over shared finance? Please make sure you leave with all the paperwork and contact Womens' Aid. It's a really difficult time and you can feel so isolated. It's really important to have support in place. Don't tell him. Keep safe

stumblymonkey · 07/12/2016 22:38

From afar.

When I was young my DM left my abusive father...in the middle of the day while he was at work and made sure she was safely tucked away in a house with my much larger DGF and DUncle.

I'd suggest similar....leave while he's out or change the locks while he's out. Get plenty of back up to be around you or at the end of a phone call and short journey. In an ideal world go and stay with family for a while.

goddessofsmallthings · 08/12/2016 03:38

I don't think I can actually get out unless I tell him its over

That's a fallacy.

You are under no obligation to tell your abusive h that you are leaving but you do have an obligation to safeguard your infant dc and, as the dc's primary carer, yourself from risk of harm.

As others have rightly said, you are best advised to move out at a time when your h is engaged elsewhere and I would suggest you leave a brief note saying that you and dc are safe and he will receive further correspondence in due course.

Instruct a solicitor to write to him stating that you have filed a petition to divorce and either conduct all future communication through solicitors or set up an email account and buy a PAYG phone purely for that purpose. NB Do not register the phone to any address.

Scroll down to find your nearest Women's Aid service here www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ and seek advice as to how best to keep yourself safe when leaving and thereafter and to source solicitors who have specific expertise in abusive relationships.

Good luck - you CAN do this!

Flip