Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

DP having a family celebration

23 replies

Snowfire · 07/12/2016 12:02

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, over sensitive or if this is how others would feel. DP told me that he has been invited over by his ex to celebrate their DC's birthday, they are an older teen so will be a 'family' dinner. He was hesitant about telling as he knew it would upset me and of course he wants to see his DC on their birthday but I feel like I am being excluded. His ex has been dismissive about me and acts in a passive aggressive manner when we have met although I was nothing to do with their break up and I have a good relationship with their DC. I trust DP and don't think there is any chance of them getting back together but I just find this a bit odd...

OP posts:

ChicRock · 07/12/2016 12:05

How long have you been together?

If is ex is dismissive, is that because you're one in a long line of girlfriends that he's had success splitting with her?

I don't find the family dinner strange as such, but I would find it strange that you weren't invited if you live together and have been together for years.

ChicRock · 07/12/2016 12:06

*since splitting with her.

Original poster

Snowfire · 07/12/2016 12:14

We've been together almost a year, I'm the only relationship he's had since they split and I've been to other family celebrations with him.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 07/12/2016 12:19

Do you live together? How often do you spend proper time with the kid? I think if you live together and the child is with you every weekend or every other weekend you're being unreasonable, past that I'd say no, this is a family celebration and I'd leave them to it and not expect to go.

ChicRock · 07/12/2016 12:23

Ah right. Well I totally wouldn't expect you to be included in this.

I'm guessing they haven't been split all that long and are trying to navigate the first couple of birthdays/Christmases without too much change from what they'd normally do if they were still together.

It's great for the children that they've got an amicable relationship, don't start getting into your DP's ear about feeling excluded or finding it odd.

Bluntness100 · 07/12/2016 12:23

Sorry, not unreasonable that should read.!

Plus also I can see why the ex wouldn't want to invite the new girlfriend into her home for a family celebration, the kids may also prefer it with just mum and dad.

Lewwat · 07/12/2016 12:24

Nope sorry, I wouldn't invite you either

whatminniedidnext · 07/12/2016 12:25

I would probably ask him (not confrontationally, just in passing) why he thinks you've not been invited. After that you kind of just have to decide how much of a big deal it is to you. Personally I'd let it go this time and then see if these events become a regular occurance.

I would feel snubbed too tbh.

goodiegoodieyumyum · 07/12/2016 12:28

Think of his kids, my dad did this all the time when I was a child, we went out as a family, his wife/ partner ( he had a few) was never invited, he also came to our house a lot. It is nice for children after a family split that they can still spend time as a family unit, it never gave me false hope that my parents would get back together.

Happybunny19 · 07/12/2016 12:29

I'm sorry but I agree with the above. I know it's not great from your point of view but things will change in time, the longer you're together. The kids will want their mum and dad there and as much as you get on with them, adding new relationships into the scenario is going to be difficult for them for a while. Don't be annoyed with your dp, he's trying to do the right thing by his kids. Shows you've picked a good one really.

Bluntness100 · 07/12/2016 12:31

Yes, now I'm rereading, nothing in your post says you just want to be with this kid and help them celebrate their birthday , or that the kid wants you there and is upset you're not, because you are so close, it seems to be a jealousy issue with the ex wife that's driving you.

I think on balance you're being unreasonable, sorry, 💐

Cricrichan · 07/12/2016 12:31

It's not appropriate for you to be there.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 07/12/2016 12:33

I think it's totally fine your not invited, I'm afraid. You've been together a year which a) isn't that long in the scheme of things and b) means his dc haven't known you that long either. I don't see why it's a problem for his dc to celebrate their birthday with just their mum and Dad.

ElspethFlashman · 07/12/2016 12:33

A family birthday dinner for an older teen in the kids house?

And you've not even been together a year yet?

Yeah......it wouldn't be appropriate to invite you, sorry.

I would give your DP a birthday card from you on your own to pass on, with a £20 voucher inside. That'd be nice.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/12/2016 12:39

Do something nice with DP and birthday teen on another day - it's up to his ex to arrange what she likes in her home.

TheNaze73 · 07/12/2016 12:40

YABU. People with children have baggage. This baggage will always be a priority over you & it's how you learn to deal with it that's important.

What part of you being there do you see as appropriate?

Original poster

Snowfire · 07/12/2016 12:48

I guess it's just her attitude towards me that I'm struggling with. I know he's a good dad and wants to do the right thing for the kids and I do want them to have a good relationship but I often get the feeling she would rather I wasn't around.... He has said in the past that it's her issue and I shouldn't give her headspace but I can't help feeling a bit crap.

OP posts:

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 07/12/2016 12:54

You massively need to get over that imo, you're not really anything to do with her - what are you expecting?

As long as she's behaving civilly, I think this is all ok, surely?

Bluntness100 · 07/12/2016 12:55

But so what if she's dismissive of you? Why do you think she needs to roll out the red carpet and welcome you into her home to celebrate her child's birthday , where it's just the parents and child?

I suspect uouve got jealousy issues, as what she thinks of you is irrelevant, you're relationship is with him and it's nothing to do with the parents getting together for the child's birthday, which is a fairly normal and nice thing to do.

Let them be.

LesisMiserable · 07/12/2016 12:56

Do you have children OP?

WannaBe · 07/12/2016 13:01

You've not been together very long and the celebration is in her house. I wouldn't expect you to be invited either TBH.

Also, you say that she appears to have issue with you? Apart from that you just get the sense that she doesn't want you around, this may just be your own insecurities talking, or alternatively it may be that she's still getting used to the fact that she and her H are no longer that unit and seeing him with someone else. Given they have teenage children they were obviously together for a long time before the split. Even if the split is something which you instigate it's still an odd feeling when you see your now ex with another woman, in another relationship. it doesn't mean that someone has to be snippy about it, just that it's an adjustment experience iyswim.

tornandhurt · 07/12/2016 13:15

I think you just sound jealous tbh, Its a meal for goodness sake. Sorry!

A year is no time at all and if you're to last any longer you need to appreciate that they will always have a connection and bond in the dcs and that you need to deal with it and be accepting of it.

Its refreshing to hear they have such an amicable relationship that its possible for them to get together to jointly celebrate dcs birthday. A few more years down the line perhaps you will be included, but for now its totally the right decision.

HermioneJeanGranger · 07/12/2016 13:28

You shouldn't be invited, you've only been together a year. This is about the child, not what you want.

Why can't you, DP and teen do something another day if you're so desperate to be included?

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread