How would you deal with this?

[DHsmokinginsecret]

Long time poster. I've name changed because family members and friends on MN don't know my user name and the circumstances are very identifying.

How would you deal with this? I need advice please. I appreciate in the grand scheme of things it's not huge, but would welcome input.

Long story short, DH has had a very emotionally stressful year, losing both his parents in the space of 5 months - first, his DF very suddenly to a heart attack in June, which DH witnessed first hand because it happened in front of him, and then his DM after a very long debilitating illness at the end of October.

Whilst his DM was dying (over about 2 weeks), we lost 3 of our cats to old age and illness - it had been coming for a while, wasn't unexpected, but they hit crisis point then and we had to make a decision.

Then, 2 weeks ago, in all the bad weather, our house got flooded out, with all the associated stress that goes with it.

It is fair to say life has been a little stressful.

DH is a farmer and the nature of his work is such he can't just take time off at the drop of a hat because we're responsible for livestock - he was working the morning of his parents funerals for e.g. because he had no choice. He spends a lot of time working alone, and is a typical "macho" farmer in that "I'm fine, no, seriously, I'm fine - i'm coping fine"... and throws himself into his work more.

About 12 months ago, DH managed to quit smoking properly. He was doing brilliantly. For the last couple of months, I've been convinced I could smell cigarette smoke on him when he's come in, but thought I was going a bit bonkers because I never "caught" him or saw evidence of it. I mentioned it once or twice, but didn't push it as I was always met with "no I'm not".

Last week, DH needed a medical which should have come up negative for nicotine in his system and instead came up positive. He admitted to me that he'd been smoking since his dad had died because of all the stress and that he'd lied about it because he thought I would be angry. He also admitted that he wasn't really coping with things.

Now my question is this - the lying about the smoking, DH and I have dealt with that - he is genuinely an amazing guy, considerate, pulls his weight, etc, etc, and he knows I am annoyed about the lying, but I also understand why he did it. It is not a characteristic habit for him.

How do I deal with the smoking? I obviously want him to stop - we have a 2 year old DD, I don't want her to grow up thinking smoking is a normal thing. He hasn't and doesn't do it around her. I'm inclined to let it slide for a bit, as he is under huge amounts of emotional stress and it's his coping mechanism, and then tackle it in the new year, but again, I don't want him to resort to doing it in secret, which is what he was doing.

WWYD? Ideas?

Thanks for reading my essay!

I think you need to talk to him about how he feels and what he wants. He obviously doesn't want to be a smoker - hence giving up in the first place - so he is probably viewing this as a temporary coping strategy. He may even have set himself a quit date already.

I think you should stop being his mum/teacher and start being his supportive wife. So instead of 100 lines, how about a hug and asking him if there's anything you can do to help.

You say 'I'm inclined to let it slide for a bit'. If my spouse took this attitude with me it would piss me right off.

He has had a terrible time. Yes, smoking is not ideal but the feeling of being monitored and supervised would be intolerable, to me, and would make me more inclined to be secretive and resort to harmful 'coping' mechanisms.

DP smokes, I've made it clear to him I don't like him. BUT it's completely down to him when and how and if he quits smoking.

I love him and it's his health I'm worried about. I also know that he won't quit unless he wants to and he does it for himself.

Leave your DH to deal with his smoking as he sees fit, have a talk bout it but then leave him alone. It's his decision.

After the awful year he has had (both of you) I would say he didn't tell you because he didn't want you to think he was weak (a quitter). Like you said he is the macho type. I would let it slide for now, as you said he doesn't smoke in front of DC. Maybe next year you could say to him something like " now things have calmed down a bit, are you ready to try to give up smoking again"
sorry about your crap year hun

I would be hugely didsapointed that he's putting his drug addiction above your relationship. Stress dependant smoking is a learnt behaviour & not natural

It maybe worth him contacting Cruise for some bereavement support. Farmers are notorious for putting on the macho 'I'm all right' front when they often need some support.

Even thought I am an ardent non smoker, in the grand scheme of what has happened this is small fry and as others have said it is important that you offer non judgemental support to get through these difficult times.

Maybe he can get an e cigarette? It will stop the craving and when things a less stressful he can stop.

The only risk he may feel it's healthier so carriers on.

Lets face it, 2 parents, 3 cats and a flooded house, farming itself - how many of us would be on a bottle of gin a day?

Thank you all for your input, it is appreciated.

Stiffenedpleat - I think that your comment is a little harsh, TBH. I've given plenty of hugs and done anything I can to help make it easier for him.

Jazzflu - what I actually meant was rather than let it slide before telling him off, so to speak, was to not mention it at all rather than start nagging. However, you raise a very valid point about the feeling of being monitored and that making it more likely he would be secretive about it, so thank you, because I hadn't thought of it quite like that and it's something I'll very much take on board.

Mouikey -Cruise is a great idea, thank you.

Thanks ladies.

The poor man!

I was an intentional secret smoker for many years. I kept it secret from my ohs because if it was secret it would restrict the cigarettes I was able to smoke. If I'd been open about I would have hone back to a packet a day.

It's a very hard habit to break and one I always go back to when the going gets tough, I was on 30 a day at one point.
People stop when they want to stop, if it was my partner I wouldn't say another word about it, leave him alone and when he's ready he will quit and not a moment before

Give him a break!!!
I appreciate your worried for his health etc etc and that you don't want your child growing up to think smoking is accepted by you however it's not your choice or decision!

I also appreciate that your trying to come across as supportive however in times of extreme stress having someone nit picking at you as that's what it will feel like.,will only make him feel worse.
He probably is annoyed at himself anyway but after the awful time you guys have had I think you need to just lay off and not mention it!!

I gave up smoking for two years alongside my dh however we have had a really bad time in the last few months and both of us have started again. Instead of giving each other grief about t we both said when each individual decides they are ready to stop we will. When you've been through a lot of emotional trauma you really don't need the extra stress.

My mil took it upon herself to go on at dh about the smoking and even bought a vape and propped it up in the kitchen.
After a few weeks of the comments he told her he's a 41 year old grown adult and doesn't have an opinion on things they do that he might consider unhealthy and she has no place to say anything. I totally agree that I expect that kind of comment from parents but not from a partner.
What I'm trying to say is cut him some slack.

Your daughter is going to grow up in a world where lots of people do lots of things she doesn't always agree with but it's called freedom of choice.

Poor guy has been through hell, I can totally understand why he is smoking again.

And it is an addiction as I am a smoker and it's so hard to quit, has nothing to do with his love for you and your relationship; it's a personal thing and in times of stress, is probably helping him.

I'd suggest a vape and ensure he always smokes outside, of course you can tell him you are worried about his health and that of the family but at the end of the day, he needs to want to stop, telling him that he should will make zero difference.

Ok so he's finally admitted he's not coping and smoked as a coping strategy. You need to support him in trying to focus on boulstering his coping skills, not the cigarettes.

DH stopped. Started during the fucking horror that was his mum's suicide.

For about a decade he couldn't think about quitting again, because that made him remember why he started again. That became a vicious circle that he struggled with.

Then he found vaping... so, whilst he still has a mental block about quitting altogether, he is healthier, smells less, spends less and is generally happier now he doesn't have to hate himself quite so much, for having started again!

That your DH has said it out loud is a good start. Don't push, don't even offer... just support his suggestions, his attempts.

As a smoking cessation worker (for just under 20 years) I would strenuously advise against using the "You think more about your drug habit than you do about me" line someone came up with upthread. That does nothing but entrench the habit, with added "fuck you".

Thank you all for your thoughts - they have really helped me clarify my approach to DH, which is to leave him alone regarding his habit and not mention him smoking at all.

I actually really appreciate all your input and how to deal with it - again, thank you.

Oh gosh, GIVE THE GUY A BREAK!

You are not his minder. He can smoke 100 a day if he likes.

Seriously you need to back off.

I've never smoked, but DH used to. I never once told him to quit. He's an adult. He did eventually, totally off his own back.

Fwiw, my sister and bil both started smoking again after bil father died. It didn't last long. It's a coping strategy.

I am sorry to hear about the awful year you've had.

Farming is hellish stressful (farmer's daughter here) and the suicide rate amongst farmers is higher than the general population - not that I'm suggesting for one minute this is a possibility, but just saying that the stress that can be experienced by farmers shouldn't be underestimated. They often work alone and have to get on with it when caring for livestock no matter if they are ill, they have a parent's funeral to attend to, or if the skies are falling in!

I think Cruse is a good suggestion - and maybe one of the farming charities? RABI or FCN? They are farmers themselves and understand the issues and if nothing else can provide an understanding listening ear.

As for the smoking - well it's not ideal but it sounds like your DH just needs a bit of a crutch to get through a hellish year. Vaping is also another good suggestion.

I feel for you - having watched my dear dad struggle through hell, high water and the worst winter in living memory to see to his cows on a daily basis no matter how shit he might be feeling makes me think farmers deserve a medal!

I would mention it to him OP, but with the approach that you know about the smoking, want to reassure him it's not going to cause rows but that if he needs your help in quitting, whenever he's ready, you're there.
Definitely see if he will speak to someone about his grief.

I think you've come across a bit teacher-ish as you were trying to be matter of fact and it's resulted in some unnecessary harsh replies.

Well, smoking isn't great, but you know I think you have to pick your battles OP, and your DH and you too, have had a hellish year, and it would drive many people to more than a crafty fag.

I'd ignore it. He doesn't smoke around DD, which is good. (By the way, smoking is the norm for loads of people, so she will as she grows up see that some people smoke, it's their choice).

I think I'd broach it again after a few months, if he's still smoking, and if he wants to quit encourage him and support him to do so.

But ultimately he's an adult. It's not a nice habit, but it's his choice, and always will be. Lots of smokers smoke in secret, often because they know all too well how strongly people hate it. But it's incredibly hard to quit as I'm sure you're aware.

Good luck and I hope things improve soon

As a farmers wife I totally understand everything you said. They are very stubborn and will always say they are fine. It's a hard job being a farmer but an even harder job being the wife . Hugs