I just want to walk into the Sea and never come back

[SilkThreads]

I wont.
I have 2 children, so it's not an option.
But I want to.

I had a horrible childhood, full of abuse, poverty, and lack of family.
When I was 20 I met a man at work.
He had been to a good private School, Oxbridge, wore handmade suits, was a financier. Everything I wasn't. I think I wanted him as a Father really (mine was absent), but I wanted to be near him. It made me feel safe.

I was, (now I look back at the pics) stunningly pretty (relevant later)
Every man I met tried it on, and I didn't know how to say no (due to my conditioning as a child).
So, of course, we had a 'relationship'.
This man and me.
It left me in pieces. Suicidal.
He moved to the US.

7 years after, I was at a low point and called him for help.
He told me he was 'busy having dinner', and hung up.
I never heard back.

A month ago, again at a real low point, I found him on FB and emailed him.
Surprisingly, we had a useful conversation about the past.
He seemed to think I was some sort of femme fatale who had wrecked his life (he 'left his wife', so he says, though he never told me he had one!).
I was able to explain that, actually, I'd been young and vulnerable and he had not behaved well.
He said if he'd known (he did - I told him when I was 20) about the abuse etc he'd have behaved differently. Said he felt very happy I'd come back into his life - I was infinitely precious - friends for life - God had brought us back together etc etc.
Then I was 'wonderful', 'the love of his life'. etc etc.
I am in a very difficult place atm and he wants to help me.
Cherish me forever. 2nd chance.
Head turning stuff.

Then I had to go to hospital to do something to do with bereavement. Awful. Painful. Something I have huge guilt about. Think God wont forgive me re my actions about (long story but one of the most difficult days of my life).
He called me repeatedly to offer support.
I needed it SO badly.
I crumbled.
Started to reply to his words of love and devotion.
Told him I loved him too.
He wanted to meet. Wanted us to make a new life together.
I explained I had two children now, was older, disabled, fatter.
(I'd said that in my very first contact, but he seemed to be ignoring it).

He asked for a pic, so I sent a head and shoulders.
He asked for full length so I sent one (fully clothed)
I was a size 8 when I knew him, I am now a good size 20.
I have been disabled for 13 years and part of the reason I have gained weight is my mobility issues. I am hugely sensitive about it, and he knows that. I don't put pics online, or up in the house, even.

So, 5 days then pass, and he ignores all contact from me.
(We had arranged to meet this Sat.)
Yesterday, I get an email saying he feels he's had 'enough Romantic Adventures for one lifetime' and that he will try hard to see me as a friend.

I feel devastated.
HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID?
(and, my memories of the day at the Hospital are now tainted with him too and I was struggling to cope with that anyway)

Our subconscious mind seeks to fulfill itself, there for when this man offers you these words of love and connection you grab hold of it - you've been starved of it. So, don't beat yourself up for your actions - it's perfectly understandable. Sadly, he's not worth the call though - if he can run for the hills because you're no longer the 20something he fell for, you don't want him anyway. I can recommend counselling as a source of personal help - I have to pay privately but attend every fortnight it cost £40 a session. The best money I've spent - it's an invaluable process. Your GP should be able to get you some CBT sessions.

Yes - escapism. But what has shaken me to my boots is how strongly I responded to it :(

Yes - starved of love and connection. Or I would not have listened to him.
and yes, he would have been a bad call.

The thing I am wrestling with is that I have HAD some really good counselling. Thought I had a better understanding of myself etc.

To drop myself into this pit of mire quite so eagerly is really horrifying.

I just don't feel I can trust myself now.
I don't want to look at myself in the mirror (ie meet my own eyes - I feel ashamed).
THAT is what needs my attention, I guess.

My guess is that it wouldn't have mattered what you looked like in your photo. He sounds like a sad, bored, middle aged man who wanted to fantasise about the time he could still attract gorgeous 20 year old women. He was indulging in a fantasy, sending you (frankly ridiculous) promises of love and devotion, and then you burst his bubble by reminding him that you've both aged. I agree with previous posters, he actually sounds like a total creep. After everything you've been through, to be promising that you'll bear his child is just hideously inappropriate and creepy. As is asking for a full-length photo so that he can inspect the merchandise before making a commitment to meet... especially AFTER all those promises and declarations of undying love! Seriously, what an utter twat.

Please don't beat yourself up. You haven't been stupid, you've been brave. It takes a lot of strength to reach out to someone for support, you just unfortunately chose the wrong person. And it must have been hard to send those photos when you weren't feeling great about yourself, but you did it anyway because you wanted to believe he might not be a shallow, selfish arsehole. He let you down, NOT the other way around.

The best kind of revenge you can get on these kinds of people is just to live your life and be happy without them. Block him and try to move on. It doesn't matter that this happened, you can learn from it and know better in future.

I'm so sorry about everything you've been through

I'm not sure it was the photo either, oddly enough?

I sent a couple before he 'dropped' me (head shots but enough to see I was older and fatter). I told him my size and my exact weight. All about the disability. I told him I was hugely hung up about all of it. So, he knew.

Also, he behaved like this when I was 20, size 8 and pretty.

I think the size bit is MY hang up.
Yes, it was brave to send the pics, I have not had any online for 15 years!

I think I was totally shocked by how much I felt 'woken up' by the sexting.
I bought new clothes / undies / spent 3 solid weeks thinking about sex.

• shamefully!

(I've spent the last decade in jeans, stomping around the middle of nowhere, no make up, separate bedrooms to ex-H (who still wants me, physically, that was not the issue). I had stopped thinking of myself as a 'woman' at all, I think. After 10 years of IVF/poor marriage suffering as result I was just a 'mum' who was really overweight and didn't care anymore.

Then, this woke me up (clearly inappropriately!).

Now, what to do?
I realise I AM missing a physical relationship after all (H told me I was frigid for 10 years). I would like to be loved and cherished.

This man is clearly a loon.

H - I don't think that is repairable.

But, I don't trust myself to seek anyone else out.

My boundaries are still shot to pieces after all this time and counselling, so there is no hope.

I wish I'd just stayed 'asleep'.

We do desperate things when we're feeling desperate, you're reaction to reach for comfort was utterly understandable. I've been in counselling for nearly 3years - does that mean I won't make mistakes, afraid not. But with everything else on my plate can I give myself a break - absolutely. You need to go easy on yourself, it sounds as though you don't have an easy time of it and in all fairness you are allowed to seek comfort. Don't be ashamed of yourself. Look at yourself In the mirror and see the kindness in your eyes, see the love you have for your children, see you and not your mistakes. You are not the sum of your mistakes.

ah, just deleted a long post by mistake.
perhaps for the best (oversharing and identifiable)

I think I should write a book. Exorcise it that way?

SilkThreads you write so well and sound full of pain and conflicted emotions. The man was worth nothing. Please, please block him from all your devices because I would be willing to bet that he will be back, full of more snake oil and lies. You do not need him.

You are very hard on yourself in terms of your progress. You've avhieved a lovely family, you are in difficult circumstances yet manage and look after your DC. You are losing weight and proactively seeking a solution which is very far from easy.

It sounds as if you are 90% doing brilliantly yet focus on the 10% when you are struggling.

Keep posting here and consider asking to have your thread moved to Relationships where there is always a heap of experienced and compassionate people who will support you as long as you need.

Have a nice day and try to concentrate on something good, even if it's a small thing. I find Mindfulness very helpful.

Best wishes.

Oops, silly me,this is relationships.

will he be back? I doubt it
(he first biffed off 25 years ago.
I called him 20 years ago and he didn't want to speak
this time he did, oh how he did, but of course it was all his 'stuff')
I suspect he has taken all he wants from this interaction this time.

mind you, I am travelling down to London soon and he knows all the details of the trip (bastard was going to 'help' me)
I cant change them as all fixed due to price.
I am sure he wont bother to turn up, but I will keep looking over my shoulder and that will take the edge off it for me.
He also knows when I am about to have a big Operation.
My birthday.
My new name and address.

Yak.
what a stupid bitch I am.

You are not a stupid bitch, this man took advantage of your vulnerability. He is a bastard. Be kind to yourself

*But, I don't trust myself to seek anyone else out.

My boundaries are still shot to pieces after all this time and counselling, so there is no hope.*

Hey, don't think that because of what happened you "can't be trusted for a relationship ".
This was an unfinished business with lots of history. And when you both got back in touch, all the expectations came back - this is something that can happen to anyone.
We all want to believe in a love story and destiny - and the most romantic story is the one that never had a proper ending -
until now
Wishing you all the best, you'll be over him soon

Oh and just to add: he's a dick!

What a nasty man he is OP. I guess the silver lining is that there's this new spark in you, which triggered the new underwear and so on. Maybe you can enjoy life a bit more - your way, not for a stupid man.

Luna
re 'unfinished business'
yes, far more than I'd realised.
I sat behind some random Dad at the School show y'day who was only vaguely like THE MAN in height/build/hair etc.
I felt all stirred up
I had to move away.
How nutty is that?
ruddy hell.
I will have to write this out of my system, I can see that, otherwise I'LL be the weirdo not him!
(feeble attempt at joke, 1st time in days...)

I suspect it was all just a fantasy to him, he's 68 now, and ehrm, may struggle physically. I suspect he just got caught up in the excitement, but knew he'd never be able to follow through. He probably never was going to be able to engage in real life. I'd just move on, the issues are clearly his

I sat behind some random Dad at the School show y'day who was only vaguely like THE MAN in height/build/hair etc.
I felt all stirred up shock
I had to move away.
How nutty is that?
ruddy hell.

There's a character in a certain TV show who I fancy the pants off, and I'm pretty sure it's solely because he reminds me of my own 'unfinished business' guy from many years ago.

Actually, that business is not so unfinished now, because I did something very similar to you recently and reached out to him a couple of years ago. I had to go to pretty desperate lengths to get in touch with him - I won't go into details, but suffice to say it was incredibly pathetic and slightly insane. But it worked! And he actually wanted to meet up. I was SO nervous and excited, convinced that he was The One and that this was going to be the story we'd tell our grandchildren one day. Then we met and it was just kind of... meh. I still fancied him like mad, but I realised there was a good reason why we'd been so on/off all those years ago, and why we'd never worked out in the first place.

I think it's great that you felt sexy and exciting for the first time in years! You should hold on to that feeling. It doesn't matter what happened to trigger it, because ultimately that feeling came from YOU and it's brilliant that you were able to feel that way after so long. I think you should do something tonight that makes you happy, however small or silly it might be!

freida well, I'd like to feel 'sexy and exciting' but it's all gone now? :(
I am back to feeling lumpy and pointless.
I chucked the perfume in the bin (the one he asked me to use, so is now forever associated with him and makes me cry).
What is the point of make up? for the kids? (ds is on spectrum and hates me wearing make up as he is not used to it).

I hadn't realised how massively lonely I was in my marriage.
this MAN promised all sort of nonsense. The strength of my response was
A. unfinished business
B. due to the level of starvation of affection I've had

but, what now? I really 'dont' trust myself now but don't want to be alone forever. I am disabled, sole parent to two children, currently not working. I couldn't meet someone, even if I wanted to!!!
so, I feel like I am doomed to be old and alone from now on.
and I SO want to be held, and cherished.

perhaps its just never going to be, for a person like me :(

(I sent the undies back and am trying to keep away from the cheese and biscuits...)

Bluntness yes, I think it WAS all a fantasy to him. I told me of his 'relationship' with a girl from the far east who was 30 years younger. who knows if that was even real? bleurgh.
He now says he is going to try hard to 'turn me into a friendship like he has with fe girl'. Apparantly they never even had sex. He and I lived together back in the day and we had a LOT of sex (that he has remembered in cinematic detail!) and he told me that our connection was the strongest he has ever known,
Yet, within 6 weeks of contact, he has 'processed me' through to that stage in his head.

(re 'follow through' - maybe you are correct? he did say he had 'performance anxiety'. I was really nice about it too.)

You have to get rid of the idea that this man was your only chance of love and happiness.

And you really must look after yourself. Cherish your kids, find an activity you like. Have you got a good network of friends ? Is there any way you could get back in the job market or volunteer work?

I know it's a cliche, but once you feel better in your own life, you will attract nicer people around you.

By your posts, you seem like a good communicator , clever and witty . Don't let it go to waste .

I DO cherish them.
They are my whole world.
Friends - well, I just moved 50miles so I am starting from scratch.
Job market - working on it. Have further surgery shortly.
then we'll see.
I would like to write / blog about all this.
I think it would be therapeutic for me, but don't know if anyone would be interested.

But, yes, this is the lowest I've been for nearly 20 years.
He knows SO much about me. So much vulnerability. From back then.
And I just handed him another bucketful.
He will tell other people from back then too.
So, any dignity I'd gained by moving away from all that, I just chucked away.

Respectfully but what makes you think that other people would be interested in hearing gossip from this man about you? People are just generally not that interested - or interesting themselves. I really wouldn't worry about it.

You have your dignity and you've moved away for a fresh start. Nothing has changed about that, you still have it. You're making a new life for your children and yourself and that is and should be your priority. Nobody can take that away from you either, so press ahead. :)

Oh, this man and another man were thick as thieves when I knew them.
They both behaved badly towards me. Separately and together.
The other one used to describe me as his TOY.
I learned that this man (above) is still in contact with (in thrall to) the other one. I have no doubt that he will pass on the details of our recent contact.
I don't suppose anyone else would care. But the two of them will have a good laugh, I have no doubt at all.

I HAD my dignity. I don't have it now, after what I told him.
Whether he / they think that or not, that is how I feel about it.

Well I don't think that somebody's dignity is that easily lost actually, Silk. You can believe you've completely surrendered everything to this man if you want to but you have children and your focus needs to be on them.

I'm sorry to say this because I know you're in a tender spot at the moment and I'll try to be gentle but, do you think there might be some part of you that is trying to prolong the agony a bit? Enjoying the bitter/sweet pangs that are the remnants you have left from your 'sparky' life once this man was in the picture? Because it made you feel alive? You are STILL alive, you're still the woman that you were, nothing has actually changed other than your feelings have been hurt by somebody who wasn't worthy of your time and attention. He was and is a faker.

So the worst case scenario - twit tells his friend that he played you, they have a little boy smirk about it - and move straight on to football or sheds or whatever woman they have their eye on... so what? Why are you continuing to give them so much power over you, what you feel?

You say that you've had good counselling in the past? Maybe it's time to go again for some more, to get this man out of your head once and for all. It all sounds exhausting and you do have my sympathy for that but you can't change what has been, only what happens from this point forward. Your children deserve your thoughts more than this thoughtless twit does. He really doesn't matter and doesn't deserve the space in your head that he's currently occupying.

Life wasn't 'sparky' when he was 'in the picture'. There was a LOT of unfinished business (not in a romantic sense, but other senses). I represented myself well in that discussion with him and was proud of it.
If it had ended there, I would have been really happy.

Then something awful happened and I was vulnerable and he wormed his way back in. Then there was a romantic/ escape fantasy.
That is now not there. But the issue is why I fell for it so hard.
Yes I was vulnerable but I am shocked at how easily I tumbled into it.
Yy he was and is a faker, I agree.

Twit tells his friend (its more complicated than that -friend of twit is a person in quite a powerful position. I changed my life and my name to get away once before and now I have blown all that).

My focus IS on my children. It has been for a decade. It will remain so.
That's why a blurt on here and a sob in bed is a safety valve.
I can assure you, I am not trying to 'prolong it'.
It will take time to hold my head up again.
I will just have to live through the feelings and try to learn from it.