Feel really terrible but my mum really smells bad

[HateThinkingUpUserNames]

This is a difficult thing to write about as I feel terrible about saying bad things about my mum. She is a nice person and we get on well generally. I'm 36 and she is 68. I am in contact with her on a daily basis and will pop round at least once a week but often more.
She (and my dad as well) have never had the best personal hygiene. Full washing like baths and showers was maximum once a week when I was growing up.

I moved out quite a few years ago now so to be honest I don't really know how often they wash these days. It was never really an issue as such because at the end of the day it's their business and they were happy and it didn't seem to affect anything. They'd always wash before special occasions or company etc.

But in the 6 months or so I've really noticed how bad my mum smells. It's pretty overpowering even from a couple of feet away. It definitely wasn't always this bad. She's also a smoker so I've always been used to the stale smoking smell but this isn't that. To me it smells like urine. I'm pretty sure she does have issues with urine incontinence which isn't her fault at all, but there must be ways to manage it so you don't smell bad all the time?

I said earlier we are pretty close and we are.... but we've never been a family that discuss things like that. She responds very badly to criticism so I really have no idea how I could bring it up kindly. No one wants to hear that they smell.

I'm asking for advice today because I was in the car earlier with her and the smell was so bad I had to open my window. It was freezing out. She kept asking why the window was open and I said I felt a bit sick from a dodgy lunch. But it was practically making my eyes water. Went to her house for a few hours, and when I got home I could still smell the smell. I sniffed my trousers and where I'd been sitting on the sofa it had stuck to my clothes so strong I gagged. So I really don't know what to do. I've bought her nice bath/shower things in the past just to encourage washing generally but I find them in cupboards years later. So I don't think the subtle route will help. It's made worse as she rarely washes her clothes (sleeps in same t shirt she's worn and we re wear for a few days unless going somewhere special etc)

Please if anyone has any advice I'd be so grateful! I'm starting to dread seeing her and going to her house. Thank you.

I would just tell her. Not helpful I know but it is your mum and if you can't tell her then who will?

Would you be able to chat with her gp? A dr could address both any leakage and also just regular hygiene. It sounds a bit odd, esp if she's always been this way inclined. Is she depressed maybe?

First step is work out the source of the smell. Often it's dirty/unwashed clothes rather than the body. But it can be other things too for example some kinds of cancer produce strange and unpleasant body odour changes - cervical cancer I think is one of these.

Very often the problem isn't body hygeniene -it's not changing /washing clothes enough. Underwear/trousers will absorb urine over time this becomes unpleasant.

Second step is once you've got a better idea of the smell source (and you can do this by elimination- finding an excuse for her to change into clean clothes/ have a pampering bath/shower etc) then you need to work out what the reason for it is

eg. if it's unwashed body odour, she may prefer baths/loathe showers but find it difficult to physically get in an out of the bath alone so doesn't do it at all.

if Its unwellness body odour, she may have noticed but put off going to the dr through fear.

if its dirty clothes odour, this may be anything - sign of depression/lack of interest in self care; laziness; incompetence; forgotten/early onset alzehiemers how to use the washing machine; unable to manage and fear of asking for help.

Thirdly, when you know the source and have a rough idea of the root cause then you can tackle it.

TBH if the smell was so bad you had to open a window that is a golden opportunity to explore the problem gentley and carefully- just be honest but proceed very very slowly.

Oh and forget the "subtle route" this is your mother!! If you can't be direct, kind and honest who will be. It's not the time for buying bath oils, soaps and deodourant.

It maybe you need to book her a laundry/cleaning service - but you can get there with kindness.

I had to do this with my stubborn old Dad, he was in failing health and just started not caring about his own hygiene.

Could you bite the bullet and start with something along these lines?

"Mum I know we don't talk about this stuff, and personally I wish I didn't have to have this conversation with you, but as your daughter who loves you I feel I have to. We need to do something about your hygiene levels because I am not sure you realise.... etc"

She could be using regular sanitary liners or pads instead of one's made for incontinance. Poise ect will neutralise odors, whereas regular pads will smell horrible. So I would bring her some Poise and have the talk HeartsTrumpDiamonds suggests. The furniture you sat on will need to be cleaned and covered with a throw that can be washed when needed. Good luck.

Chat to her GP? [shock

She is an adult who is fully competent. You can't approach her doctor. He/she wouldn't be able to talk to you anyway, OP.

I think you have three options: tell her directly, continue to tolerate it without telling her or withdraw. The best one is the first one. She may have gone 'nose blind' as she is so used to the smell.

Actually trifle there's nothing to stop you or anyone else ringing someone's GP and expressing concerns about them/their health. The GP can't discuss anything with you, true, but they can listen. Of course for that to do any good then HateThinking's mum would have to be the kind of person who actually visits /uses their GP!

Honestly I think the kindest approach is just to have the conversation with her as openly as you can - ask if clothes washing is becoming difficult and you could help/hire in some help, check that she has had a checkup recently - as PP have said some medical conditions (not just cancer) change the way you smell and can be an indicator that something is wrong, check that she has the right pads if she's using incontinence products. If she refuses to discuss it, can you talk to your dad and get him to haul her along to the GP (then call the GP and give him/her an idea of your concerns before the appointment).

Wait until you are out somewhere, in a public place or somewhere there are other people close by, then say that you can smell something unpleasant. I know that often people who smell don't realise it, but if I was in a room with someone who announced they could smell something awful, the first thing I would do is check it wasn't me.

I really feel for you OP. I couldn't tell my mum this without really upsetting her, so you may have to think outside the box...

mumonashoestring: Nothing apart from the fact that it is intrusive and inappropriate, maybe. I would be furious if my GP even confirmed my registration with the surgery to a relative.

'Is your washing machine working ok, Mum? only I've noticed your clothes smell a bit stale. Let me take a bundle home and get them sorted for you.'
'ooh, I think this carpet needs a good clean...'
'oh dear, it's not very fresh in here, is it. Are you managing your housework?'
'ok, I'll cook the dinner, you go and have a nice bath. It will do you good'

just tell her - as a woman of about the same age I know it is sometimes tricky with the 'sensitive' bladder - but unless she is depressed and therefore does not care it may give her the push to do something about it.
I grew up with no mains water/proper bathroom and once a week baths but now I must absolutely must have a daily bath/shower and all clothes get washed daily after wearing once.
Maybe because she is a smoker she does not notice other smells? but you must tell her if it is a washing/medical problem. She may well ignore you (are there other members of the family who can back you up?) but she needs to know.

The problem with that pklme is that OP will then become directly responsible for her parents with she becoming their parent. That approach therefore is not the way to go.

I would also think that your parents rarely if ever see the GP and spend most of their lives within their own home. This is also an issue I think of many years standing; you mention that they have never had the best personal hygiene anyway.

OP - I would speak to your GP re your mother's hygiene issues because this person has likely come across this sort of scenario.

The GP won't even listen or come to the phone in my experience. I tried to express concern over a neighbours alcoholism and the effect it was having on her and our community - drunk driving, having to pick her up out of the road, concern for her kids etc. And was told the GP couldn't even come to the phone. I then asked if I could send an email and was told the GP wouldn't read it.

I found out where the GP lived through the grapevine and put a printed off copy of the email through the door. No idea if it had any effect. Ended up involving police (driving & theft) and SS (kids). Not a happy outcome in the end

Talk to her. I've been through the same recently with both my ageing parents. If it is incontinence she needs to go to the GP and see if there is anything they can do. Also they may well then get the incontinence nurse engaged to help your mum work out the products she needs.

I know it's not easy but the frank conversation is the best way, she is your mum. I hated having to have this chat with mine but it was getting intolerable with their house and clothes smelling etc and my dd who is 7 didn't want to hug them anymore so the bullet needed biting xxx

Unfortunately you are not going to be able to take the subtle route. You are going to have to be direct.

Sit her down, and firstly tell her you need to talk to her, you have been worried about how to broach the subject because you do not want to upset her but you have to say it.

It would be unkind not to say anything , if it was you I'm sure you would like a close member of family to be the one to tell you.

Good luck

Another one advocating the direct route - it sounds far too bad for any kind of subtle approach. If she takes criticism badly, you are going to have to be careful not to sound as though you are criticizing - rather try and be objective, calm and stick to the facts.

I also think it's likely to be inadequate laundry as much as anything else especially if she wears the same clothes to sleep in and during the day for days at a time. Any slight urine leakage will build up over a few days, and the smell will also get into the upholstery of sofas and chairs.

It will only get worse, so best take the bull by the horns. Good luck!

I had to have a difficult conversation with my mother on a different subject. Her driving had gotten worse and worse to the point where I didn't want my DC's going anywhere in the car with her. My mum totally overreacts to any sort of perceived criticism and I braced myself for weeks but I had to act int he end. I read up on assertiveness and used that approach. So you name the behaviours/issues without getting personal (it's the smell, not your mother per se that's the issue). Say how it is affecting you, DC's etc. And you can then offer some solutions.
I started by picking a good time when she was fairly calm, no kids around and plenty time. I was then honest and said I wanted to talk to her about something very difficult and I felt awkward saying it but I hoped she would understand. I said that I had noticed her driving had become less and less good and that I was worried about the DC's going in the car with her. I said it was making me anxious and uncomfortable. She blew up and was extremely defensive. This is where the assertiveness part comes in - you stay totally calm and don't deviate from what you're saying. She told me her driving was great. That her friends never complained about it. That she'd never had an accident (sheer luck!) etc. Then took a huff saying Fine, I'll never look after the DC's again. I suggested refresher/advanced driving lessons and that I would pay for them and if her driving was better that she might start to enjoy it more (she was becoming very nervous too). But that if nothing changed then the DC's couldn't go in the car with her.
She took a few weeks to come back to me on it and then went off and did her advanced driving lessons. She actually loved them and is enjoying being a more confident driver.
Different situation I know but just trying to say I know how super hard it is to say something to your mother in this situation but that you do have to grasp the bull by the horns (gently) and just keep your eyes on the prize - imagine how nice it will be to visit without the smell issue, how much better you mum will feel etc.

My DH had to tell his mum she smelt. As soon as she entered the house you could smell it, it was body odour , mainly stale sweat, and very over powering.
He straight out told her she smelt bad and needed to wash, she said she didn't and washed every day. DH said you must wash your clothes as well, they smell stale. He checked she knew to use an anti perspirant rather than just a deodorant. She worked in a shop and did a lot of church groups, he told her it wasnt fair on other people and they were obviously too embarrassed to tell her.
It took a couple of weeks but she took notice .
If your mum smells of urine she might not be using any pads and the smell is going onto her clothes .

If you can't cope with telling her this, what on earth will you do when her incontinence pants need changing?

OP, Im almost 60 and use small Tena panty liners on a daily basis. Its been that way since I went through the menopause. Things just end up a bit more relaxed due to hormonal changes Ive been told. I would only ever want my daughters to tell my if I started to smell and I urge you to tell your mum.

Your post has reminded me of a lady I met one evening. She was extremely lonely and had just lost her husband so she joined a book club attached to her church. Anyway she came in and before I knew what was happening (I just used to go to the book club) the women in the group all scarpered with a look of horror written all over them. I was shocked and went across to the lady but before I was within feet of her I realised why they'd all ran away - the smell of urine was awful. Im not excusing what they did at all and I did stay with the lady all evening, as well as another few evenings, but to be honest it was hard going - please don't let your mum be that lady.

I told my elderly mother she smells - as kindly as I could, (urine - lots of reasons but she’s not admitting to being particularly incontinent, although I know she is a bit at least). Anyway, she now hates me & thinks I’m cruel & evil. All very upsetting, can’t reason with her. Have always had a close but old fashioned relationship with her. This is very upsetting. She is virtually not communicating with me (& she does need a certain amount of support although has been very independent, now in her 90’s) . Anyone else had to cope with this ?