Someone tell me if this can be fixed?

[Jemimapuddingduck]

I have a young baby and have been struggling with PND since the birth over the last few weeks it's gotten a lot worse and I've started to have suicidal thoughts my scores for depression and anxiety are at the top end of the scale and I've been flagged for extra support from the health visitor and started on antidepressants.

Husband knows all of this, when the baby was born I sat him down and told him I would leave him if he didn't change as he is not emotionally supportive he seems to think being physically present makes him a supportive husband but emotionally there's nothing there he agreed that he maybe need to see a councillor himself and would change.

It's now been several months he hasn't changed he's completely oblivious to how I feel I've spent the last 2 nights sleeping in the spare room without the baby because he won't move out of our bedroom and I can't deal with him anymore.
Today I spent the whole day in bed because I couldn't deal with life all I managed to do was feed and change the baby.
He's come home and we've has a huge arguement apparently I'm draining the life out of him and he's pissed off that he had to go and buy milk for the baby after work because I couldn't manage it today.

I'm at the end of my tether I don't know what to do anymore, he doesn't help in the house unless I nag him then he creates an arguement because I'm nagging.

I spend what little energy I have clearing up after him meaning that the house is horrendously dirty because I spend what little time I have tidying so I can clean and not getting any further I'm exhausted and emotionally drained and I don't know what to do anymore?

I have no family it's just me and the baby if I left I'm not sure I could cope on my own.

Sorry it's all a bit rambling

if I left I'm not sure I could cope on my own

You'd only have yourself and your baby to clear up after, as opposed to a slobby emotional vampire who sucks the life out of you!

From your description, I honestly cannot see why you would want to fix it.

You can't fix someone into being someone else.

when the baby was born I sat him down and told him I would leave him if he didn't change

It isn't fair on either of you to expect him to change personality to be the husband you wish you had.

I expect your PND will lift quite quickly when you are not trying save a relationship that never was right.

Looking after a baby is hard enough without creating a survival condition that relies on someone else having a personality transplant.

He is who he is. That's a person who is emotionally unavailable to you. Nowt you can do to "fix" him into being someone else, nor to "fix" yourself into being satisfied with that. All you ca

Posted too soon.

All you can do is see the incompatibility and rearrange your future accordingly, which most likely means not together.

Perhaps it's really worth reflecting on some big challenges and changes your relationship is facing before you pull the plug. This is a really difficult time for you and I really feel for you, but it's a difficult time for him too.
Firstly, a baby is a huge relationship changer, and people don't seemlessly adjust without some pain.
Secondly - PND is really going to affect your relationship, the way you see things and they way you are toward one another.
Thirdly - boys grow into men, they don't become one overnight with the arrival of a baby - even when they've been told how essential it is - the question is the direction of travel, and progress.
I'm just struck by his comment that 'you're draining the life out of him' - it just says to me that he actually cares, he's being affected so it's not like he doesn't give a sod. He's probably feeling inadequate, unappreciated, criticised, at a time when the life he had is changing forever.
Are you kind to one another, do you tel each other about the good things each of you do, do you try to make each other feel supported? That may be a place to start?
In my experience, children, dogs and new fathers respond better to praise than to being told they are bad. And, from what you say - you might be expecting him to read your mind. He may be oblivious, but are you expecting him to 'just know' and I wonder what signs are there that you think he's missing and how obvious they really are. It's a common misconception in many relationships. ("Surely you must know that me mentioning w and not doing x means I must be feeling y and z" kind of thing.)
Honestly? These are the tough times for a relationship and no one comes through unscarred. He maybe needs to speak with his Dad, or other Dads - and you might need support or counselling for PND because it will affect so much around you and how you interact.
So it may be worth trying to find space to see if there are things which you need from each other in your relationship that could be unspoken so far? Good luck !

You need an intervention. Can your health visitor organise some one on one help for you with the baby? You need to approach the HV and your GP to access some practical, hands on help before you become seriously ill.

I think Dadaist gave you some very good advice. New fathers struggle just as much as new mothers, and although they love the baby it's not the same overwhelming love that mothers feel. So they are more remote. Also, at least when I was at your stage, my DH was quite scared of the baby. I had to teach him how to bath the baby, for example. He was much more relaxed and we felt closer when he could do things for the baby.

You must have loved him. You married him. Things will work out with time and patience. I'll stop now, because Dadaist put it far better than me.

How are you today?

Sounds like you are on your own already, I don't agree with above, I think he knows perfectly well that you are struggling, after all, it's you who has been pregnant and gave birth, not him so in this situation he should be stepping up and helping out, he should be worried about you and the baby, instead he's checking out and blaming you for having to buy his own baby milk.

I'd go it alone if I was you, you might find your PND lifts far quicker than living with this useless man, absolutely ridiculous that he is leaving you to cope on your own with everything, including your PND.

Sorry but if this is his attitude in times of need, the future looks bleak.

Thanks for the replies all not been a great few days the dog has injured themselves and had to get stitches so on top of everything I'm now trapped in the house on my own until next week at least.

Dog can't be left alone and can only go out the garden on the lead I cried when I found out going for a walk is my only escape from the shit tip of a house now I can't even do that he doesn't understand why I'm crying and keeps saying it's only a few days I've tried explaining

My councillor was going to call my HV and GP to get me extra help as she was concerned how rapidly I had declined recently I've not heard anything from either though and don't really expect to, my HV was supposed to be calling me regularly to check up on me but I haven't seen or heard from her since 6 weeks

I understand it's tough for him too but he doesn't do even the basics the dog pee'd on the bed because he's injured he striped the sheets off and left them in a pile on the floor they'll stay there until I put them in the wash same with the towels we use to clean the dog off when he's been out in the wet the other day the dog managed to stand in his own shit he left the shitty towel lying on the floor next to the back door I have a radiator rack I bought to hang the towels on to dry he can't even take 10 seconds to fold a fucking towel or put one in the wash.

I understand how you can be overwhelmed by the baby but he's checked out of basic tasks of basic hygiene he wasn't always like this that's why I said he needs to change as in start giving a shit again

Sorry this post is really long

Maybe you could ask your counsellor to chase the GP and HV? Or you could get in contact with them yourself to ask for help?