Not sure I love/like my DH anymore

[SeamusMacDubh]

Situation: married for 5 years, 2 DC aged 1 and 2, he works , I stay at home with the DC.

I just don't feel like I love him anymore, a lot of the time I don't think I even like him anymore. I question what I saw in him in the first place and wonder how I could have made such an error in judgement that lead to me marrying him.

I feel trapped, I can't leave him because we have small children, I have no way to support us and no where to go, my mother has money tied up in our house so I can't split everything down the middle if we did separate (not that I seriously think about that anyway). I feel a duty to our DC to give them a childhood with two parents.

I think he has no idea how I feel, he's almost completely ovlivious to our life as it is, he seems to have no idea how things are done around the house or how to be, what's appropriate/not.

I'm rambling a bit but I've been wondering whether to post for a while and have finally got the courage to or whatever. I don't even know what I want the outcome to be.

I sometimes feel that if he didn't come home one day that things would be simpler. Though that sounds awful and insensitive to people going through that.

I don't know what I want from this thread, I just thought it would make me feel better.

Is it really him that you have 'gone off' or your situation?
You sound completely uninterested in life. Do you think there is a possibility that you are down/depressed ? Can you really not remember how you felt when you met your DH ? Is it possible the sheer hard work of 2 babies in 2yrs has just exhausted you ?

If it is DH and you are sure there is no other issue, can I ask , are you intimate with each other ? Sex is the glue that helps exhausted new parents keep connected. If that's gone off the menu due to tiredness, it is easy to end up as resentful flat mates.

My situation is (or was - I left my ex recently) exactly the same as yours. My DC are the same age and what I will say is that it is very hard work having two children back to back and at that age too. It is exhausting. Do you have any support with child care? Or a cleaner to help with housework? Does your H help out at all round the house?

Can you say what your partner does to make you feel trapped, what is his behaviour like, is he loving?

Oh fuck. Marilyn I feel like you've hit a nail I've been burying on the head.

Big hand hold, OP. I don't have any advice but you're not alone

I'm not uninterested in life, I enjoy (for the most part, I am human and have off days!) spending time with the children, doing our weekly routine of baby groups, nature walks, errands about town etc. And I wouldn't say I'm depressed. DH is depressed and is on antidepressants though I don't think they help much, he's constantly exhausted and hard to motivate and his behaviour/attitude impacts on family life.

DH doesn't do anything to make me feel trapped, my current life situation does. If it wasn't for the DCs, I don't think I would want to be in this marriage and would have said so by now.

It's hard to understand how I've (we've) got to this point, as I said I think DH is oblivious to my feelings, I certainly haven't made them plain, I have no desire to pick that scab and have to deal with the fall out.

Having two young DC has made life harder, I'm the one who gets up several times a night to them, though DH constantly says how tired he is, he does get up early for work and does a physical job but I don't think he should be as tired as he says. He has been tested for sleep apnoea at my insistence because he is so tired.

But there's other things, like how his phone is permanently glued to his hand, how he prioritises watching football over spending time together or as a family, his lack of interest in me and the children - though if you ask him he's heavily involved etc. (He said he was proud of 2 year old DS the other day and followed up with how proud he was of himself for raising him so well, I honestly thought it was a backhanded compliment/joke at his own expense because it's me that is raising the kids and setting the good example but he was totally serious).

We don't have much of a sex life, I'm not very attracted to him at the moment, he's put on weight (we both did but we said we would both try and lose it, I did, he didn't) but it's more his personality that turns me off.

Hmm. Well Seamus, I have been exactly where you are. Firstly I want to point out that the drudge of daily life will probably be harder without him. So you could think is it him or is it having two very young and ~probably~ demanding young children. Really think about this.
Ok, lets say it's the children. God it is hard isn't it? It gets marginally easier year by year until they become teenagers then it's a sharp decline back to horrendous. It's is so very hard. You need to have a partner to help with this parenting malarkey and he doesn't sound as if he is stepping up to the plate.
So let's say your problem's root lies with him. It sounds like it is. He sounds self absorbed. If he is constantly tired he should address this. See his GP. Take a multivitamin. Drink redbull. Whatever it takes, including putting down the phone, turning off the footie and asking you what he needs to do to lighten your load. He needs to do SOMETHING. Just the attempt to contribute will help even if the result makes only a marginal difference as it might make you feel he is invested in your marriage. If you are a team, you can support each other.
Best of luck Seamus.

DH doesn't do anything to make me feel trapped, my current life situation does

But then you go on to list a number of things he does (or doesn't do, rather) as a parent that mean you are not getting the support you need. You really need to address these issues with him otherwise resentment will soon set in and get worse over time. Believe me, I speak from experience! Raising two children of that age as a SAHM is a tough job (and a physical one too), and if he is not pulling his weight, you will continue to be unhappy. Have you tried telling him that you need a hand when he is not at work? If so, what was his response?

My ex was abusive, so his behaviour further exhausted me and ground me down, but abuse aside, he was as unsupportive as yours is and I found myself becoming increasingly resentful. He would only help out with the DC when he felt like it, so the bulk of the child care fell on me 7 days a week. And actually now it's over, at least I don't have the resentment of watching him do things HE wants to do on his time off from work, while I had no time off at all.

I'm not going to lie: being a single parent to two DC of that age is incredibly hard, as I'm now finding, but in many ways it is easier without an unsupportive partner around. I don't have him interfering with my day to day parenting, I have less washing to do, less ironing, less mess to clear up, less shopping to do. There are some benefits Plus when ex has the kids not much as he can't be bothered with the hassle of it all I actually get some time off!

What makes you think things would be split down the middle financially if you left him? Do you have a Declaration of Trust in place setting out who owns what in the house? Can you prove your mother's contribution?

More importantly, is there any equity in the home that would be yours / in your name do you think? As sadly, if that is the case, you would not be entitled to legal aid. But maybe your parents could pay your legal fees until you sell the house and could pay them back?

You are married and are the primary caregiver to two young children, so I believe (I'm not a solicitor though!) your needs will rank higher than his when dividing up the property and assets. Also don't forget he will be paying you maintenance (go onto the CM options site to work out how much based on his salary). Plus you can claim income support (until your youngest is five), along with child tax credit and child benefit. The site Entitled2 can give you an idea how much these would be. Funnily enough, I am better off now than I was with exP! So don't automatically fear the worst x

Don't remotely think for one minute that you're doing your kids a favour by staying together just so they can have two parents. Big mistake. I was exactly the same until I learnt better from the lovely mums on mn. Took me a long while though.

If you leave because you are unhappy, how would he cope looking after the kids?

Thanks for replying. DH did go to the GP about his tiredness, they tested his blood and did the sleep apnea testing, all clear, they told him to get more sleep and not use electronics before bed (ha bloody ha) but he just ignored it all, if I mention not being on his phone, he gets arsey with me.

To be honest, the reason why I haven't spoken to him about all of this is because I really don't want to have the arguments, he'll say that this isn't how things are, that he does help blah blah, then he'll know how I feel and that'll be another thing making him depressed and less motivated and I can't see it improving our situation. I really don't think if I spoke to him that he would hear "I'm unhappy" I think he would hear "I'm ungrateful and I think you're lazy/a bad dad".

Thanks for all the advice about finances and how others have handled this sort of situation.

And how do I think he would cope with the kids alone, not that I would ever leave the kids, I think they would suffer a lot and be unhappy.

Why did you marry him? What did you see in him? Were you completely mistaken, or is what attracted you to him still there, somewhere?

I was going to ask you what you get out of this relationship now?. Something is keeping you within this so what is it?. You cannot stay simply for the sake of the children and wanting to show them a model of two parents out of some sense of misplaced duty because this model is dysfunctional.

You are with a depressed person who has ignored all medical advice to lay off the electronics and get more sleep. He is not taking any responsibility for his actions here is he?. In the meantime you are also copping his depression fallout; your children are seeing two miserable parents here.

I wouldn't like him either, he does nothing in the relationship and is a crap dad but if you don't say anything to him then how do you expect anything to change - I'd not be happy with a person that showed no interest in me or his children, that's awful, I think you are minimising what is in fact a crap relationship.

Do not stay for the kids sake, it's not right, either sit him down and tell him how bad you are feeling because he does have a right to know or stay as you are but you won't be happy, who would be, a relationship takes effort on both sides, affection needs to be regular and compliments as well as supporting each other, you're not getting any of that.

Hello OP,
I've been in your shoes. Husband who has barely any meaningful involvement with his kids, claiming to be (and pretending in public to be) the world's greatest dad. Claiming to be put upon and popping antidepressants and feeling 'hard done by'. Being angry and shouty and impossible to talk to and barely lifting a finger.

Yes, being a single parent to 2 young children is very hard. But it's better by far than this. At least your 'supposed' to be on your own in this situation. The workload is lighter in parts, emotionally you would be instantly happier from not actually 'living a lie' and your children will grow up with much better role modelling.

IME making the decision to leave is the hardest part. Keep posting on here, do it when your ready. The rest has a habit of falling into place.