In-laws will only look after one of our children due to age? Is this normal???

[hotpot]

We used to live 100 miles away so In-laws would come and visit us we would visit them. We moved closer (1 hour away) when DS1 was 18 months and they started having him for a day out and then over-night. They had him every few months for a weekend visit.
We now have DS2 currently 9 months old, they "don't do babies" but aren't willing to learn either and this from a SAHM who raised 2 children almost single handedly, my FIL takes delight in telling us he has NEVER changed a nappy on his own children
They are now wanting to have my DS1 overnight again and make a regular thing of it but he is now almost 4 and knows that he is being singled out over his brother. They have bought a new car (which they do every 2 years or so) and it is so small it won't fit a pram in the boot -they used to collapse a seat down to feed a pram from the boot over the seat so there is no way they can even take DS2 with them for an afternoon
Are we being unreasonable in thinking that they should take an interest in DS2. Are other parents/in-laws like this??? We believe FIL does this to avoid spending time with us and only wants to be with their first golden grandchild, has the novelty worn off with grandchild no2??

Hoptpot, I do sympathise, but to some extent I sympathise with your PILs.

I don't know how old they or if it's even a factor, but some older people do find a baby/2 children hard work no matter how many children of their own they have had.

If it is downright favouritism then yes that is wrong (my PILs are guilty of this and we are currently battling big time with them on this issue).

Are they refusing to see ds2 completely or do they find the prospect of both boys at teh same time rather daunting?

I would be fine with this. A 9 month old needs a lot of looking after compared to a 4 yo imo. As long as they invite ds2 to stay when he's 4 yo I'd be fine with this really. My ds was 3 yo before he stayed at my parents house with his sister (6 yo).

I think you are being a little unreasonable in expecting an elderly couple to have a 4 year old and a baby to stay overnight at the same time. I am not saying they shouldn't help, or babysit both sons for a few hours, but any longer when your sons are so young and need a lot of hands on attention, is asking a lot IMO.

You will not like my story, I am afraid. I have two sons age 13 and 8 and my mil still only has the older one for holidays. She has taken him for a week at a time since he was 5 years old. I cannot do links but if you do a search under my name you will see a thread I started on this last week.

However, now (and only now) she is planning to do some separate treats with my youngest son.

my mum currently has ds with her for 3 nights, he's 9, while we brought dd, who is 3, home. But she probably wouldn't have WANTED to stay (dd that is) so I don't particularly mind. And she's easy peasy so it does make life easier to just have one child for a couple of days plus I know ds will have a lovely time. If once dd's older my mum actively refuses to have her it will piss me off but I accept it atm. The bloody PITA is that it's when they're the smallest that you could most do with a break - ime once they're 4/5/6 people are a lot keener to take them but it's nowhere near as urgent by then. Your ds2 won't know about it for a while so until he's a bit older I don't think you can make a fuss but I do understand why it would piss you off.

luckily your 9 month old isn't going to notice any favouritism and I'm sure you could make it a big boy treat for ds1 without any major problem either. ours have never stayed overnight without one of us at least to look after them (ds1 is 4, ds2 is 2) so i would say you are doing well already. no way ever would I even contemplate my mil having the pair of them by herself and I'm sure she shares my horror!

My mum would have looked after both of mine from the day they were born if i had let her.
MIL would not have them even for an hour until they were walking.

My mums a star, i should hire her out

My FIL is 59 and MIL 55 and they are very spritely for their age, lots of holidays, walking/hiking that kind of thing.

It is favouritism to a certain extent and they are happy to play with both children with us for a few hours when they are here or we go to them.

My DS2 is dream baby rarely cries, (yes I am spoilt) happy to play with almost anything you give him and them having him isn't for a break from him, my mum 60 not spritely with dodgy knees is happy to look after both children so there is that option for time for me and DH.

I would just like them to take them both to a local park together as brothers. DS1 adores DS2 and DS2 laughs his head off at DS1. DS1 sings to him, plays peek-a-boo with him etc

I don't even want an over-night thing I just want a token gesture. We have had a few run ins with them over the years re DS1 and FIL is a complete arse but we won't punish MIL for FIL's behaviour so we still keep in very regular contact. MIL is lovely so we tolerate FIL !! Hope this sheds light on it!!

I like your mum, kimi!

Word of warning - for years I assumed I would be asking my MIL to have both sons at once. I expected by the time both my sons were over 5 years old that it would be perfectly reasonable for MIL to have both of them, after all there would be no nappies or pushchairs involved. I was so looking forward to time off with dh.

But, things have not worked out like that. My two sons are a handful when they are together. They are much louder, have more arguments, are much more difficult to discipline. I really cannot expect MIL to have them together unless there was an emergency. Due to the distance ( a 5 hour drive on average) if MIL had them both, she would have to have them for a few days, to make it worthwhile.

Althought my MIL is a fit 69 year old woman, I know it would be really stressful for her, so I would not ask her. However if she has ds2 for a holiday, ds1 at 13 is old enought to be left alone at home while dh and I go out, so we would get some freedom.

I'm afraid my inlaws are the same... they never had mine as babies and even now they are 10 and 8 they only have them one at a time...They don't favour them though ..that would really annoy me...

You don't mention their ages, your inlaws that is...are they young or elderly as TygerM suggests...

x posts....

have posted but your all a bit faster typing than me, it's being a SHAM the keyboard skills are rusty

I think I have just realised that I am truly spoilt, my own Mum is fantastic, she had my sisters 2 children from when they were 3 months old ie looked after them part-time but had them overnight from being days old.

She stayed with me when both my boys were born and did everything bar breastfeed them!!! She is a mum in a million and has no favourites (that we know of or can tell)

So do your Mums look after your wee ones???

my mum is really hands on and takes them both off to the park and stuff like that, she also looks after them sometimes when I was working pt and we even lived at her house for a while. mil is lovely but gets overwhelmed by more than 1 at a time and I wouldn't even do that without either dh or I being there to help out as well

I think it is quite a big responsibility for your MIL because it sounds like she would have to do everything for the baby.

Perhaps she's worried incase something went wrong? When a child is old enough to state likes/dislikes/unwell/cold/hungry etc it's a whole different ball game from intuitively knowing what a baby's feeling unless you know them well. It doesn't sound like they had DS1 from that age.

my mum looks afer mine, always has been very hands on .. but my inlaws don't... but then she had my husband 46 years ago and had no other children or family's children to look after inbetween so she was very rusty.. if fact I don't think she is very maternal/paternal [insert right word] to be honest...

she always blamed my fil for not having the children he's 83 nearly but I think it was just an excuse...

mil looked after DS once when I took DS to a gym session.. it was only for half and hour.. and when I got to her house she was waiting on the doorstep with ds in her hands.. she said he wanted to watch me come up the road.. he was only about 6 months! I guess she was just panicing about having him!

Wow some of you guys are really lucky.
I live in a different country to my parents and my PIL take 1 or both of my children once in a blue moon (I talking when I'm really desperate/once every 4 months or so).
They hardly ever offer either so we have to ask them.

Ah, my inlaws started asking to have DS1 overnight when he was two or so. When he was four, I decided it was ok, and it's been fine.

Now DS1 is 5, and DS2 is 2, and DS2 wants to go as well! My ILs aren't particularly eager to have them both, and I can't say I blame them. DS2 doesn't talk that well, and he tantrums beautifully.

I don't know whether they'll have them both at the same time, but I will expect them to have each of them separately if they won't have both. Just to be fair.

They're very good, though, they take DS1 for a few days, every school holiday, and took him for a week, once. They're maybe an hour and a half away, and they do the trip one way, and we do it the other ... all very reasonable and helpful.

this is fairly common. My mum was like this. Should get better when ds2 is walking and talking.