Should I leave

[Confused030380]

I need an unbiased opinion and would really appreciate everyone's thoughts.....

I'm in a relationship that I am not happy in. I do love him though very much. I live with my partner and our two children. We have never married. Although, we are engaged and have been for 10 years. He asked me to marry him in the first year or so of our relationship And it was a complete surprise. I have been more than ready to get married for years, but he hasn't. There's always been an excuse every time I've broached the subject. I know him well enough to know I am being fobbed off and he is never going to do it.

That aside, he won't share anything either. We live in the house he owned before we met so it's all still in his name. We don't even have a joint bank account. He pays all of the household bills and mortgage and I pay for all the childcare, holiday, clothes etc. it works out about even financially. However, I know legally (I sought advice)that I don't have a leg to stand on and if I decide to walk I walk away with nothing.

I have a good job and I can afford to leave and support both kids financially without his help.

My partner doesn't get on with my father. To the point my partner has completely cut himself off from my family and refuses to have anything to do with them. Without boring you with the details I know that my partners reasons for this course of action are completely unreasonable. Even my partners own friends believe his stance is unreasonable and he should put things right. They have also told him this. My issue however is this, my partners refusal to have nothing to do with my family breaks my heart. My partner knows how much it's hurting me and has said that he is sorry that he hurts me, but it's tough and I have to deal with it because it's never going to change.

I've tried to deal with it (5 years now) but I constantly feel upset by it and I'm now depressed about it. I'm struggling to want to stay with my partner because I can't accept or forgive him that he knows he's hurting me and will do nothing to make it stop. I've explained I may leave if he can't make changes to stop hurting me and he said that's my decision but he won't change his stance.

What do I do?..... accept there's no marriage coming,respect he wants nothing to do with my folks, focus on the positives in the relationship and carry on for the kids or leave because I can't take the hurt anymore and there's no compromise with him.

Is the way he is being with me enough to leave him? Or am I being selfish and not concentrating on what's good in the relationship?

I just want to be happy and know I would be if he met me half way on the above issues, but I've lost all hope on compromise and know if I want the relationship to continue I have to accept things as they are.

Despite how much I love him, I know I will move on, but it's the kids that are keeping me here and putting up with the hurt.

I just don't know what to do 😢

If you want to be writing exactly the same post in one year, five years, ten years, then stay.

If you carry on doing what you're doing, you're going to carry on getting what you're getting.

He won't change. You can. Good luck.

You do know you can leave simply because you're not fulfilled by the relationship?

Your relationship shouldn't be making you feel this way and your OH should not be dictating to you, your relationship with your family. Why would you continue to put yourself through this? If you've discussed all of your issues together and there's still no change, then, surely you don't want to waste the rest of your life living in hope?

.... I've explained I may leave if he can't make changes to stop hurting me and he said that's my decision but he won't change his stance.....

How on earth can you love someone with such a shitty uncaring attitude towards you. He doesn't love you and this will eat away at you, and sadly your resentment will grow and grow (not surprisingly) :0(

My ex hated my family. He was also emotionally abusive and I realise that actually my family were too supportive of me and he wanted to cut me off from them so he could isolate and control me. But that's another story.

His treatment of my family actually was the main reason I left recently. The straw that broke the camel's back. My family have been through a lot this year, my dad is quite old now, and yet they travelled nearly 100 miles to see me and my DC every other weekend because my ex never wanted to drive to see them ("why should I travel all that way on my day off from work") When my lovely parents came up here, I resorted to meeting up with them in restaurants with my DC because ex really made them feel uncomfortable in the jointly owned home that ironically, my parents contributed to on my behalf. I'd stand there after our meal and watch them walk off to their car in the car park, ready to drive back, their shoulders stooping due to their age and also tiredness from the long journey, and the wave of sadness and sense of injustice nearly took my breath away.

The resentment will just build and build, is all I can say. It will eat you up, especially if as you say, your partner has no real reason to hate your family. I will never ever be with someone who hates my family again. They have to be nice to them.

I don't think he loves you, to be honest. Because ultimately he knows his actions are hurting you and won't change. He seems to be ok with you leaving him over it!! He should be tolerant to your family at the very least. I think you deserve better x x

I know I will move on, but it's the kids that are keeping me here and putting up with the hurt

Although you may not have intended your words to be read in this context, "the kids" are "puttng up with the hurt" of the rift beteween their df and their dgps as the tension this causes between all concerned won't have gone unnoticed by them and, furthermore, their df's intransigence in this matter may adversely influence their future adult relationships.

I must question the legal advice you have received which appears to have convinced you that, should you decide to leave, you have no option but to "walk away with nothing" and would suggest that you source a family solicitor who has specific expertise in the somewhat complex area of law pertaining to the separation of unmarried couples.

If you can show that there was "an agreement to marry" that has been broken, under the Law Reform (Miscellaneous Provisions) Act 1970 an engaged couple who separate have the protection of any law which relates to the property rights of married couples.

While this does not extend to allowing the court to change the ownership of property between you and your ex-fiance, you can make application to the court to decide on the division of the contents of the home and for the return of any property that your ex may withhold from you. The court can also order your ex-fiance to pay compensation if you have to leave the home.

In addition, under The Children Act 1989 you may be able to apply on behalf of your children for a share of the property, or for the property to be transferred to you as the parent who is caring for the chldren until they come of age when, depending on what has been agreed/the court has ordered, it will pass to them or revert to their df.

Regardless of the above, should you leave you will of course be entitled to claim child maintenance and can calculate what you can expect to receive here: www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

It could be that a harsh dose of financial reality may be sufficient to shake your fiance out of his current unreasonably stubborn position, but if he doesn't change his tune it may not be necessary for you and the dc to move out with all the upheaval and financial expense this will entail.

You just don't sound right for each other. I get his stance & that's his prerogative. If you're not getting what you want, then walk. Why are you so hung up on a wedding, with a bloke who doesn't want anything to do with your family? I'm struggling to see what your actually doing with him