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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

ex smelling of alcohol

8 replies

Hoping4alotterywin · 06/12/2016 18:00

Hi,

i genuinely don't know what to do and am feeling extremely guilty. My ex has my two little ones (DD who is 8 and DS who is 4) every other weekend and Monday and Tuesday evenings. There has been one occasion in the past where he has turned up for them absolutely reeking of alcohol and i have driven them over to his instead. Tonight he's done it again but assured me that he was drinking at lunch time. i think he's lying (to be honest I'd put money on it) I didn't drive my two over to his tonight as I had to let it go as my DD was getting upset thinking we were going to have a fight (we weren't raising voices or anything like that) I did say that I didn't believe him and asked him for the truth but I also said he can never turn up again for them smelling of alcohol. If it does happen again what should I do? refuse for them to see him? I am beyond frustrated with him. Has anyone had a similar experience?

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 06/12/2016 18:20

Oh yes. Years of grief.

After the first time, I made him promise not to drink at all if he were going to drive him. He insisted I promise the same, and never have. Clearly he didn't mean it. I had driven to his at 7.30pm to drop off football kit for our 6 yo's football match. House in darkness, drove to the pub, caught them coming out. He stank of beer, and to my shame I was too scared to pull our son out. Ran up the road watching his tail lights (his home is less than half a mile from the pub, ffs.) Then collared his mate in the pub who confirmed he'd had at least 2 fucking pints.

So contact reduced to 2 hours on a saturday, no overnights, and I had to school our poor son that he must never ever get in a car with his dad at the wheel. I do all the fetching and carrying.

I've upped it to 6 hours. And after all the tirades of abuse about how I'm insane and evil and he'll take him off me and teach him to hate me and he doesn't drink at all, waaa waaa waaa, lo and behold he got done for drink driving. Prick. Tried to hide it, I waited until his ban was nearly over before I mentioned it in an email. Cue more abuse.

I'm afraid you have to step up. It's horrendous, preventing overnights, and doing all the fetching and carrying, but what choice do you have if you don't want to live in fear of burying your kids.

BumDNC · 06/12/2016 18:35

You call the police and report a drunk driver and refuse to put the kids in the car. He could kill them

BumDNC · 06/12/2016 18:36

I know that was brief and harsh but my dad is a drink driver and I won't get in the car with him or allow my kids in a car ever with him. There is no grey area here

Trifleorbust · 06/12/2016 19:37

Does he have a contact order? I think refusing to let him drive them is totally reasonable if you have reason to suspect he is over the limit. Refusing to let him see them is more questionable.

Hoping4alotterywin · 07/12/2016 09:19

Thank you lovely ladies for your thoughts - I don't want them to not see him but equally I want my ex (somewhat naively) to realise that he needs to step up to. I'm hoping it won't happen again but rest assured I won't allow them in his car if it happens again. Xx

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2016 09:32

I guess that this is an informal arrangement between the two of you. I think a contact order should now be in place because its not working out.

You're hoping that he is going to step up and that this will not happen again; how many times have you said that to yourself already before now?.

MrsBertBibby · 07/12/2016 09:37

Why "if it happens again"?

How many chances does he get to kill or maim your children?

People who drive whilst drunk have a drink problem, in that they prioritise drinking over their own and everyone else's lives. Hoping won't change that. He already knows he is breaking the law and jeopardising his children, but booze trumps that. Booze trumps everything. End of.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 07/12/2016 09:40

I'd have kept them home with me, and I say that as a recovering alcoholic who was often drunk in charge of the DC (to my shame), so I can tell you from bitter personal experience that leaving them in his care is a Bad Idea.

Imagine if he passed out and they wandered into the street. Someone would call the police, who'd make a referral to social services. You'd then be questioned as to why you'd hand the DC over to him in the first place, and possibly face many months of scrutiny. I don't even want to think about what would happen if he crashed the car when they were in his care.

I appreciate that I'm describing a bit of a miserable scenario, but it has the chance of happening. Your ex's alcohol issue is his problem, but that doesn't mean it has to become your DCs' problem too Flowers

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