What more can i do??

[enigma247]

I am totally at a loss & nigh on giving up on 20 years of my life, I'm a currently very confused man & would appreciate your unbiased opinions of where i am, what I'm doing & any advice given will be greatly received. I have been with my partner for 20 years, we have 3 kids who i love beyond the realms of possibility! We have a great lifestyle, 2 to 3 holiday's a year, I'm lucky enough to have a great job that means no money worries, i spoil my kids & partner with love, affection & they want for nothing either emotionally or physically. So what's wrong?? My partner shows no interest in me whatsoever, we have no physical realtionship, not even a cuddle which i crave more than anything else, i tell her regularly how much i love her to just receive an "ok" or "thanks".. I listen to her (& even feign interest when her stories are boring!!), i buy flowers, Iron, Hoover & generally help out wherever help is needed. I cant go on living this life, I'm unhappy, sad & don't know what else i can do, i may add I'm not a doormat or anything like that, we don't have full blown arguments just the odd irritating conversation which goes no further than that. I'm not an ugly guy & have had offers, well more 'hints' with colleagues, customers & ladies I've talked to on a night out with my friends etc, i am quite flirtatious & confident too yet this isn't something i want to explore further or should i?? Its all compounded by Christmas etc as whatever decision i choose to make wouldn't be until 2017. Thank you for reading this & hope you can advise, i will answer any questions honestly as i don't want to just give up on my family

*Wouldn't not would have an affair fgs!!

If you are the same age, it's worth asking if she may be experiencing hormone fluctuations leading up to the menopause. This could cause her to feel tired, low mood, and definitely not up for sex.

She has said "It's not you, it's me" but has she taken any steps to see the GP etc? If she is hitting menopause and it's affecting her, it's worth her discussing options with her GP. HRT can be a great option for some women.

Also, it sounds like she is a SAHM, which is great if you have little ones, but if they are now all in school she may be feeling bored and unfulfilled, which could spill over into the whole relationship. You mentioned she goes out with friends, which is great, but does she have any other interests outside the home?

My other half I think could have written this about me!! Problem is in my case I'm aware of emotional affair stuff that went on 11 years ago and now appears to be going on with someone else, problem is I haven't plucked up courage yet to make clear I know about the 11 year one , although he does know I am concerned about the recent one and dismisses it. Thing is something like this does affect how you see someone and how you feel physically. Oh and he does no housework and is perpetually angry about life's crap

I have been lurking MN for a couple of weeks to seek similarities with my own issues, but registered today just to respond to you! On a positive note, from what you've said, your relationship over time has been in much better shape than mine. That is really good. Is your partner a SAHM? It may be possible she is depressed with the monotony of day to day, and if she is pre-menopausal or menopausal, her hormones can be making her pretty vulnerable. Just something to get to the bottom of before throwing in the towel.
Hubby and I have been together 22 years, married for 18. I still care for him but am not sure I still love him. Why? There has been physical and emotional abuse in the past that pulled me away. I slowly detached myself. I often denied him sex as a result. Negative behaviour on both sides, of course. I am dealing with low grade depression and exhaustion working full-time throughout our marriage and caring for our two dc's who are both on the autism spectrum. We have other issues that make me question why I stay, but from what I can tell by your posts, probably don't apply to you.
I am sorry you are going through this - I sense your partner isn't as cold as she may sound, and probably doesn't feel good about herself when she answers "ok" when you say you love her.
Don't overlook the weight gain either. It's great to have a partner tell you you are loved no matter what you weigh, but for many women do not underestimate the strong link between depression and weight gain.
Wish you both well

totally agree with NotTheFordType

She sounds switched off. I was wondering menopause too.
The best thing is maybe just to keep talking and keep listening. Not so much to solve a problem as to understand what she's thinking.

I really feel for you both to be honest. But don't have an affair, because that will damage your children much more than a divorce will.

We had a proper in depth talk on Thursday as i took the day off, we went for a walk & a coffee & on getting home she explained that for some unknown reason she's feels very sad & down & empty about life in general, lots of cuddles were had & we're going to the Doctors together on Monday. Thank you all for your kind words & hope you all have a great Christmas x

I also feel a bit ashamed that i didn't pick up on the situation earlier too but hopefully everything will be ok from now on

That's good news (if you see what I mean). I hope that you can get things sorted, I wish you all the best.

Well done OP for having that chat, and good luck in sorting this out.

Lovely to hear that OP!