DH addicted to porn - help!

[lostincornwall]

I am really struggling to come to terms with the fact that my DH seems to be spending increasing amounts of time (he thinks without my knowledge) looking at internet porn. Admittedly, since DS was born 2 years ago I haven't been exactly game but as he now seems to prefer "working late" in our study to coming to bed with me, I am starting to panic. I can't get this image of him - sad, pathetic man - and these porn images out of my mind. I caught him last week (at 2pm for god's sake!) looking at a site but he refused to discuss it, saying someone from work had sent it through. Does anyone have any advice as I am struggling to get past "yuck" and make something of our otherwise perfectly happy life?

Again, Daddycool, if you have seen such an image (and what were you looking for to see it in the first place?) rather than simply hypothesizing such an image, it's not quite as clear cut an issue as you seem to think. How do you know, for one thing, whether the image you saw(or are hypothesizing) isn't that of a mutually enjoyable, longstanding relationship? OK, it might not be that likely but it dertasinly isn't impossible for adults with a big age gap between them to enjoy sex with each other and even to record their sexual activities and circulate the pictures. Are you suggesting that 18 is too young to take decisions about what you want to do? Or that it's wrong that 18-year-olds (or anyone) should have to do stuff they don't like simply to make money? In which case, what about all those 18 year olds (and everyone else) working long hours in unsafe conditions for lousy money in the food/construction industries? Some people take one look at the average minimum wage job and decide that porn offers much more money for shorter hours even if it's not the most delightful of experiences.

why do people like you completely dodge common sense and analyse everything down to the very last little possibility?

FFS, the man is looking at porn. his wife is upset and he should stop doing it. The issue is black and white, not that grey area that is open for debate and analysis.

But it is the issue isn;t it? Morality? Exploitation? Addiction? Obession? Bad comunication?

and muminfife is right. I've got completely carried away. complete hijack and unecessary debate. I do apologise.

anyone got any other suggestions?

I think the obsurd structuralist argument about images is okay in a uni, in a theoretical debate. But you'd be nuts to think it actually has any bearing on how people really view porn. And the law thank god knows it too. The police officers looking at images in Operation Ore don't take that stance adn neither do I I'm afraid.

Defend porn all you want, but Daddy Cool is right. This woman is struggling with he husband preferring these 'images' to his real life. That's real, her pain and confusion is real.

Apologies to the OP for thread hijack. Afraid that other forums I use tend to start on one subject and wander off all over the shop so that's kind of the way I go on as well.
Daddycool, Monkeytrousers, I'd love to carry on this debate. How about we take it to "am I being unreasonable" and start a thread there?

I'm so pleased I've been able to fire your imaginations with another topic for debate. A lesson well learnt here on what was my first (and probably last!) post for help. Thanks though to the few of you who did try to offer some cocrete support - MuminManchester in particular. I shall take your lead.

LostInCornwall, don't take the debate which ensured personally. I know it's hard as it was your thread. The simple fact is that people who are lucky enough to feel entirely confident in their relationship seem to be unable to possibly see how porn can be harmful. Take away some of that confidence (in whatever way; just something that might make them doubt their other halves love/commitment to them) and they would have a different opinion about their DH's porn habit.

Thanks Shiny - don't mean to take it personally but am feeling particularly crappy so will gladly flail myself with any stick available - hypothetically speaking of course. But then perhaps...!

Hi LIC - Glad you braved it back, I do hope you won't let it put you off future postings. Porn is one of those subjects that can just open the floodgates.

I don't know about you, but the broader political debate was the least of my concerns when things needed sorting with dh last year, indeed it was an intensely personal issue that I didn't feel able to discuss with even my closest friends. I did have to work out exactly what my own feelings were before I was able to put a case forward in a calm & reasoned way though, as I said in my first posting, it then took a few attempts to initiate the big chat before dh was ready to sit down and listen!!

Despite our overwhelming desire to try again quickly for another baby, I knew I couldn't continue the emotional and physical isolation from dh through another pg and this drove me to finally confront a situation that, if I'm honest, I should have faced years ago. It was possibly the best and most positive thing I have ever done and has been surprisingly empowering.

I do hope that you and dh feel able to talk things through soon. You may be pleasantly surprised to find out exactly how the other feels? Would love to hear how you get on and am always here to listen (believe it or not, I can manage that when not droning on and on... )

Thanks so much ManMum - I think I am still at the stage of really deciding how I feel about this but realise I have to discuss it with DH to ensure we do have a real future together. I'm keen to get the ball rolling so will keep you posted. I need to get rid of this tight knot in my chest and find a way to deal with this - I'm glad to hear you have managed to get back on track.

Oh I remember all too well that horrible knot in the chest that you mention - such a good description. Am keeping my fingers crossed that things work out as well for you they have done for us. Hope to hear from you soon.

ManMum - just in case you are still watching! We had "the Chat" - wasn't as bad as I had built it up to be. We both managed a calm, rational conversation about it and he recognised the negative impact it was having on us regaining our intimacy, so we are going to make a concerted effort to get back to where we were BC. Like you, I was so pleased I took charge of the situation and brought it out into the open - far better than seething in silence! Thanks again for your words of wisdom - hope you are having a good day. It is raining cows down here in Cornwall - wish I was back up in the sunny North again! Thanks again

Sorry to hijack thread but I've discovered my dh is still looking at porn on my computer - despite my asking him not to. I could accept him occaisionally looking at soft porn, but he's been looking at sites with the titles teen sex and gangland porn and this disturbs me. I don't like the idea of these sites and the women involved in producing them, teen seems too young and I didn't know he was inteerested in that. Our sex life isn't as good since I had dd (almost 2), its still reasonable a couple of times a week, but dh seems to want it more than ever, particularly since dd was born, I thought this was down to me wanting it a bit less (was probably 3 per week before dd ) but we got the computer shortly after dd was born, perhaps its his porn habit thats increased his sex drive? He also gropes at me more - just grabbing at my breasts and bottom and is less tender and affectionate which makes me want sex less too. I know I need to talk to him, I don't know if I trust him, I mentioned it briefly and he came up with the excuse about a friend at work telling him about a supposed fishing site which was a porn site and then others popped up - we have a pop up blocker. Maybe I should get a parental control software on the computer - dh isn't very good with computers and it'd stop him. Help?!

LIC - Am so pleased to see that the chat went well, that's wonderful news! . Won't pretend that I haven't had to raise the subject since our first talk but it's so much easier to do, indeed, I feel I've regained a sense of control.

LittleB - Don't know whether you'd feel able to do so, but as part of sorting things out with dh, I asked that we establish a collection of images together so it became ours, not his. He was pretty taken aback at the suggestion, indeed a bit shy about it at first but we now have small library of stuff that we can "use" together as part of foreplay but which I don't object to him using independently occasionally because I'm not offended by the content.

Still can't quite believe that I've posted all of this stuff onto a website .

LittleB - sorry for not responding sooner, have been away, but I know how desperate you must feel to post something so intimate on a website. I know a pop-up blocker might seem like a possible solution, but that woulnd't really deal with the issue and probably would only be a temporary barrier until your DH found a way around it. I can see why you would be troubled by the content of some of the sites - have you had a look at them? They might sound worse than they are. Like you, I did notice that once DH had started using porn this fuelled his need for more sex than usual - similar situation to you in that I was less bothered whilst he seemed to be more interested. That is until the porn effectively replaced me. It really is a tough subject to broach - we have been married for years and I still felt odd having to discuss this secret thing. I think it is key to try to find some common ground. My DH was mortified when I explained how it was making me feel - preferring porn to being with me. Picking the right moment was tricky but I am so glad I was able to say how I felt about it and regain some control, rather than feeling like an intruder in his little secret. I do feel better about things now - for the time being at least - and realised we have to find a way of incorporating it into both our lives and not just always his. That's it really - hope it helps because I did get a lot from some of the posts on this thread, particularly ManMum and Shiny. Hope you are feeling ok - let me know how you are.

I find Cyber sitter and Net Nanny works for us

LittleB - I hope you are finding the postings on this thread of some use and that, perhaps, you have been able to begin sorting things out with dh?

LIC sounds like a different person in her last posting - particularly if you look at her initial appeal for help - and I can really only echo everything she says.

Will be keeping an eye out to see if you post back. Best wishes

LittleB - just wondering how you are doing? Hope you have managed to find a possible start on sorting things out. Let me know how you are?

Just checking in to see how LIC and LittleB are doing? Hope you're OK and have a chance to post some time

LIC - so sorry to hear you have been going through this. I have just discovered that dh was using it for 2 years and had an affair for the past 1 year. He was also using internet dating sites to have sex chat and exchange pics. He admits he's got a problem -no shit!

As far as libido is concerned, I did have some problems as I had an underactive thyroid. However, we still had sex 2-3 times a week on average. I don't have a problem with porn per se when it is viewed together (not anal, teen sex or anything similarly degrading)but he never discussed it with me and I was too self-conscious to bring it up.

Now everything is ruined. I would say, in my case, that internet porn resulted in an affair because it distanced dh from the people in his life that he supposedly loves. Imo that is the danger of internet porn and it's incidious lure.

i know my partner looks at porn wen im not in...i just let him get on with it cos i know he must be going stir crazy from the fact he gets pretty much none from me! all men do it, some are just better at hiding it!

The worry is what that porn usage leads to (in case of dh - an affair) and that was despite him having fairly regular sex with me.